The Blatant Forrest Gump Rip Off
by Commander
Summary: Being an idiot ain't no box of cheese.
1. Different

(AN: Dear readers, I bring you my next venture into the world of FOP fanfiction… and that would be a _Forrest Gump_ parody. Why _Forrest Gump_, you ask? Well, the characters—namely Cosmo and Wanda—fit perfectly into the roles of the movie. And I like parodies, besides. Plus, _Forrest Gump_ is my second favorite movie of all time; only _Mary Poppins_ beats it. And I love _The Fairly Oddparents _too! I only hope I can do justice to both this wonderful show and this wonderful movie.

It's been hard already, trying to decide how many of the original elements of the movie to slide into my story. I deliberated for days (not all in one sitting, but you know what I mean) as to whether the characters should be left fairies or turned into humans. However, as I'm fitting Timmy Turner into this story, I thought I'd make it easy on myself and decide that they're all humans. Some with very strange hair colors, but there you go. Also, I've heard that the writers, gasp, have created a family for Wanda. (smiles sheepishly and tries to hide her fanfic "A Fish Called Wanda") As I have no clue about any of that, I just decided to have Wanda in this fic live with an uncle. Whatever, it works.

Speaking of "A Fish Called Wanda", however, I will bring in a few cameos from that fic into this one. Be forewarned. (laughs evilly)

_The Fairly Oddparents _belongs to Butch Hartman and Nickelodeon, the movie _Forrest Gump _belongs to Paramount, the original novel of _Forrest Gump _was written by Winston Groom, and I own nothing but this second-rate fanfic. Please don't sue me.)

O.o.O

Fate.

It is a strange thing. At first glance, it seems to be merely another word for destiny… but what is destiny? What is fate? Is it a predetermined course of events? Or does whatever happen just… happen? Just because it did?

The wind plays with a feather floating in the air, blowing it this way and that. Was the feather supposed to be blown in a certain way, or did it just happen, and that's the way it is?

Did fate lead the feather to land at the feet of a man, sitting calmly on a park bench?

The man looked at his foot, noticed the feather, and picked it up, inspecting it. His bright green eyes sparkled as a smile broke across his face. "Wow, this is the prettiest feather I've ever seen!" He opened up his briefcase and pulled out a Curious George book, placing the feather in between the pages. Setting the book back in the worn briefcase, he snapped it shut and resumed his original position of staring straight ahead, waiting for something.

A man crossed the street and sat down next to the green-eyed sitter. He smiled again, seeing that he had a companion. "Hey there!" he said to the new man.

The new man stared.

"My name's Cosmo!" the first man continued, completely unfazed. "Cosmo… uh… Smith!"

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Uhsmith," mumbled the new man, opening a book and burying his nose into it, ending further conversation.

This didn't stop Cosmo, however. "Would you like a piece of cheese?" he asked, zipping the box between the man's nose and his book.

The man shot a quick glance at Cosmo and shook his head sternly.

"Okay then!" Cosmo didn't seem to mind. "More for me!" He grabbed a small hunk and popped it into his mouth. "You know, my mama always said that life is like a box of cheese. You never know what you're gonna get!" Cosmo paused for a brief moment. "Actually, I don't think she ever did. But it still sounds good, right?"

The man grunted, looking for something to throw at his overly-talkative and low on brains bench companion.

Cosmo diverted his attention from his cheese to the man's pants. "Those look like comfortable pants!" he said. The man groaned, but Cosmo didn't seem to hear. "I bet you could walk all day in those and not feel a thing in your crotch!"

For the first time, the man looked Cosmo directly in the eyes. "My crotch hurts."

Cosmo looked a bit taken back, but he still maintained eye contact. "I remember my first pair of shoes," he said suddenly.

The man blinked. "What does that have to do with anything else you've said?"

"You know," continued Cosmo, "if I think hard enough—although any thinking is hard for me!—I can remember my first pair of shoes." Cosmo's eyes crinkled in deep thought, and, just as he had said, it looked like a bit of a strain for him. "Mama said they'd take me anywhere! They were my 'normal shoes'."

O.o.O

"Alright, son, you can open your eyes now." The shoe salesman rolled his eyes nondiscreetly at Cosma Uhsmith, who shot him a glare. "You know, Mrs. Uhsmith, you've gotta teach your kid to not be… afraid of shoes."

Little Cosmo opened his eyes and gasped. "Wow! You put new things on me, and it didn't hurt a bit!"

The shoe salesman shook his head at Cosma. "Your son's… stupid, isn't he?"

Cosma's eyelids clasped over her mint green eyes defiantly. "Stupid is as stupid does."

"What's _that _supposed to mean?" the salesman asked.

"It means," growled Cosma, "that my son is just like everyone else… except he's far more loveable!" She shoved a wad of dollar bills into the salesman's hands. "Come on, my little Cosmo-lolo, we're leaving!"

"Wait, lady! I need two more bucks!"

It was too late. Cosma and Cosmo were already out the door.

Cosmo was enjoying his new shoes immensely. "Look, Mama! Look what I can do!" He abruptly sat down and dragged himself along on his butt, with his feet sticking in front of him. The shoes made dark marks on the pavement. "Wheee!"

"Cosmo, get up!" cried Cosma, pulling her son up by the wrist. "Now sweetheart, I want you to listen to me. You're just like everyone else. You are _no _different."

She took a few steps, and Cosmo followed, but she suddenly stopped, spun around, and knelt down to his level. "Did you hear what I said, Cosmo? You're the _same_ as _everyone _else."

O.o.O

"Your son's… _different_, Mrs. Uhsmith."

Cosma scoffed at the school principal. "Of course he's different! He's much more loveable, and friendly, and talented than any other of your students—"

"That's not what I meant," interrupted the principal testily. He pulled out a chart. "This is a graph of IQ results. Your son scored a seventy-five, which is riiiight here." With a pencil, he gestured to a spot just below a line that boxed in a large, dark gray area of the chart. "And we require at least an eighty for public school. We're going to have to send him to a special school, where he'll be taught at a pace that he can learn—"

"Absolutely not!" snapped Cosma furiously. "Are you saying that my son is not good enough for your school? He's going to be with every other child his age and get the same opportunities as they do, grow up just like them, and when he's older become CEO of some corporation and give me a share of the profits!"

Throughout all of this, Cosmo was sitting on a bench outside of the principal's office, finding great amusement in picking at a loose thread on the cushion.

"_My mama wanted to get me into the best school possible," said Cosmo, stretching out on the bench, pointing his shoes up in the air. "She knew that she just had to get me into that school, even though she was mad at the principal! And she did!" _

"Well, I showed him!" said Cosma triumphantly, sitting on the edge of her son's bed. It was night and Cosmo, dressed in his pajamas, seemed eager for a bedtime story. "I told you I'd get you into that school, Cosmo-lolo! Although that principal needs to hit the road, in my opinion. Imagine, refusing to let you in! I think it's time for a very long vacation for him."

"What does vacation mean?" Cosmo suddenly asked. "You know, like where Daddy went!"

Cosma bit her lip. Her mind drifted to her husband and the incident with the flyswatter, the rat poison, the dynamite, the yarn, and the doorstopper… she wondered if they would ever find all of his body. "Vacation's when you go someplace… and you don't ever come back," she finally finished.

"_I guess you could say it was just me and Mama," Cosmo continued, "but it really wasn't, since we had this huge house that had been in her family for a zillion years, or something, and she let people stay in them! That's how she made money. If we had a really good week, she'd give me money to go buy cheese! Mmm… I LOVE cheese! Almost as much as pudding! Even more! But not quite as much! Anyway, we were always getting all sorts of different people… some were really weird! I remember one guy, though, and he was COOL! He had a guitar, and I'd never heard anything like it before!"_

Cosma knocked on the door. "Mr… Presley, is it? Supper's ready!"

"Okay, thank you, ma'am! That sounds good! I'll be down in a few minutes!" a voice answered.

And another voice… "Mmm, supper! What are we having, Mama? Pudding?"

Cosma swung the door. "Cosmo, what have I said about bothering the guests?"

"Oh, that's alright, ma'am," said the guest with the guitar. "He's just showing me a few moves."

"Oh…" Cosma's lips thinned, but she managed to smile and head back downstairs.

"Now, show me that move of yours again." The guest picked up his guitar and started to sing and play. "You ain't a-nothin' but a hound dog… cryin' all the time… well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend o' mine!"

With the last cords after the verse, Cosmo swung his hips back and forth to the beat.

O.o.O

"A few years later I saw that nice young man on television," said Cosmo. "They called him the King, he was that good!" He bit his lip and frowned. "But I guess that he… sung too many songs, or something! It must be hard being a king. I wouldn't know." Cosmo shrugged and smiled again. "Then again, I hardly know anything!"

Again, the smile left, and Cosmo looked strangely serious. He looked at his briefcase and touched it absently. "But I do know my memories… and you know, it's funny how you can remember some things, and other things you can't?" A look of pure sadness came over his face. "I remember my first day of school. Very well."

O.o.O

"Here's the bus, Cosmo!" Cosma picked up a lunch box and handed it to Cosmo, who was sitting on a stump on the side of the road. "Now, you behave yourself—although I know you will!"

"Mama," said Cosmo, his eyes growing wide, "I heard you and the principal talking, and what if all the kids are smarter than me? What will I do?"

"They _won't _be," growled Cosma. "Remember what I told you? You're the same as everyone else."

Cosmo looked down at the ground and nodded… although inside, he didn't believe her. He knew he was different… different in a bad way. He had seen the way everyone pointed at him when he was in town, the way they talked in whispers when they thought he couldn't hear. He could hear them now, ringing in his head… "That boy's an _idiot_." "He's _stupid_." "He's gotta be the most _moronic _kid on the planet."…

Feeling a tear well in his eye, Cosmo abruptly stood up and climbed on the bus, not looking back at his mama. He knew that if she even caught a glimpse of that tear, she'd make him stay home… and be more of a weirdo. He _wanted _to go to school; he _wanted_, more than anything else, to fit in and be, as his mother said, just like everyone else!

And yet he knew that everyone on this bus, everyone at school… everyone he'd ever meet in his entire life would just think of him as an idiot.

He had scarcely climbed up the stairs of the bus when he stopped, staring at the bus driver.

She turned and stared at him, blowing a big bubble of bubblegum and popping it. "What are you waiting for?"

"My mama told me to never take rides from strangers," said Cosmo, his eyes wide.

"Kid, this is the schoolbus."

Cosmo considered this.

Finally, he blurted out, "I'm Cosmo, Cosmo… uh… Smith!"

The bus driver blinked. "I'm Dorothy Harris," she finally said.

Cosmo smiled. "Well, now we aren't strangers anymore!" he cried. With that, he climbed up on the bus and looked down the rows of kids, all staring at him as if he had three heads. Some were snickering.

Cosmo could feel his stomach tie up in a knot. No, no, no. He couldn't do this. So what if he was a freak for the rest of his life? At least he'd be safe at home with his mama. He couldn't handle the stares. No, he couldn't!

He turned, as if to get off, but too late, the bus was already moving.

He stepped up to a seat with just one occupant. The boy sneered at him. "This seat's taken."

He turned again, to another half-empty seat. The girl shook her head. "Can't sit here."

Feeling more and more panicked, he looked at another boy in a seat by himself. He glared maliciously. "Don't even think about it, Idiot-boy!"

The bus rang with laughter. Cosmo felt tears trickle down his face; the kids laughed harder; Cosmo's face flushed red as he felt his whole body shake with embarrassment.

_Cosmo, while recalling the incident, seemed strangely calm. "There's a lot of things that I don't remember," he said slowly and quietly. "I don't remember being born, and I don't remember my daddy, and I don't remember the first time I locked my mama out of the house accidentally, even though Mama told me that she had to wait two hours until someone let her in." Cosmo let a small smile flicker across his face, but it quickly disappeared. "I don't remember any of that… but I do remember the first time I heard the sweetest voice in the whole wide world."_

"You can sit here if you want."

Cosmo spun around and stared at the speaker. It was a little girl… the most beautiful creature that Cosmo had ever seen. Her hair, curly at the bottom and swirly at the top where her bangs were, shimmered like a rippling sea of pink, too delicate to touch. Her round pink eyes gazed up at him, and a small smile materialized on her gentle innocent face.

"_It was the most beautiful sound in the world," Cosmo remembered, almost choking with emotion. "And the most beautiful face in the world …"_

Young Cosmo stood and stared at the girl—an angel, she had to be an angel, she wasn't just any girl—completely stunned. Not only had this sweet, gorgeous being directed her angelic voice to him, but she was the only one on the bus who would let him set next to her!

The angel girl's smile faded. "Well, are you going to sit down or aren't you?"

Cosmo finally remembered to breathe.

"Uh… yeah!" He flopped down next to the angel girl and looked to the back of the bus, somehow feeling that if his eyes rested on the girl for too long, he'd somehow scar her spotless beauty.

"I can't believe no one else let you sit by them," said the angel girl. Cosmo's heart stopped—she was talking to him _again! _"Everyone on this bus is a big doo-doo headed meanie."

For a bus filled with small children, this was quite the insult. All of the kids gasped and stared at the angel girl, looking very much like Cosmo had when she had first spoken to him, except with a lot more anger.

Without thinking, Cosmo grabbed the angel girl's wrist. "They _are _meanies!" he cried.

He dropped her wrist suddenly—he had touched her, he had tainted her flawless skin! "Sorry!" he said, his lip quivering as he gaped at the angel girl, wondering if she, in all her angelic goodness, could forgive him…

The angel girl shrugged. "That's okay."

Cosmo could hardly fathom it. Now he _knew _she was an angel, for only an angel could forgive such an unspeakable crime.

"Hey, what's in your lunchbox?" the angel girl suddenly asked. "I think my uncle packed me an apple… he knows I hate them, but that's about all we have. Not like he cares, anyway." The angel girl's face clouded, and Cosmo could feel his heart breaking for her. But as quick as it had happened, it was gone. She turned and looked at him. "Do you want to trade me something for my apple?"

Cosmo liked everything that his mama had packed for his lunch, but he wasn't about to let the angel girl be unhappy. "Sure!" he cried, opening his lunchbox. "Do you want a slice of cheddar cheese, a slice of gouda cheese, a slice of mozzarella cheese, or a slice of Colby Jack cheese? Or…" He bit his lip, not wanting to give away his lunch, but he would rather go hungry than let the angel girl go hungry. "Do you want my cheese sandwich?"

The angel girl looked puzzled, yet amused. "All you brought is cheese?"

"Yeah!" cried Cosmo. He stopped, and looked at the sandwich. "Well, and bread. But still, cheese is the fifth, sixth, and seventh wonder of the world! That and pudding."

The angel girl blinked. "Are you stupid or something?"

Cosmo shrugged. "Mama says stupid is as stupid does!"

"What's _that _supposed to mean?"

"I dunno," said Cosmo with another shrug. "But Mama tells it to everyone who asks that! I think it means yes." He suddenly looked a bit panicked. "Does that mean that you don't like me anymore?"

The angel girl shook her head. "No, I still like you." She offered him her petite, perfect hand. "My name's Wanda."

Cosmo grabbed the angel girl's—Wanda's—hand and shook it. "My name's Cosmo! Cosmo… uh… Smith!"

O.o.O

(AN: Well, I hope you like it so far. Please read and review! :) I probably won't be able to update until August, as I'm leaving for a three week vacation soon, but hopefully I'll be able to write some more when I get back!)


	2. Cheese and Pudding

(Whoo, I'm back from vacation! Thus, here is chapter 2!)

O.o.O

"From that day on, Wanda and me were always together!" said Cosmo with a smile, clearly remembering some of the best days of his life. "We were like cheese and pudding! Always together!"

The man sitting next to Cosmo gave him an incredulous look. "Cheese and… _pudding?_"

"Uh-huh!" nodded Cosmo. "There was this big tree close to my house, and we went there all the time. I taught her how to climb it, and how to fall off it, and how to scream at the top of your lungs as you fell off it! And she…" Cosmo's eyes filled to the brink, not with tears, but with pure, passionate love for his Wanda. "She taught me how to read, and how to add and subtract… she really helped me get through school." His voice faded off, remembering. "A lot of times, we'd stay in that tree even when it got dark."

O.o.O

The streaks of red and yellow from the setting sun had nearly left the dark blue sky, but in a tree in the countryside, two small children, a boy and a girl, were still sitting on one of the branches, their legs dangling.

An owl hooted, reminding them of how late it was.

Cosmo turned to Wanda, looking almost apologetic. "I need to go… Mama might get worried about me," he said.

"Your mama's _always _worried about you," said Wanda. She suddenly reached out and grabbed his hand, resting both their hands on Cosmo's leg. "Just stay here… a little longer…"

Cosmo was stunned; and there was no way he could refuse Wanda, especially after taking his hand like that. "Okay, Wanda, I'll stay here with you!" said Cosmo with a smile.

O.o.O

Remembering the incident, Cosmo sounded a bit mystified. "For some reason, Wanda didn't ever want to go home," he said softly. "So I stayed with her, because… I needed her, but I think she needed me too… isn't that weird? But I couldn't help it." Cosmo sighed. "If she asked me to jump off a cliff I would have… not like she ever did, but still… she was my most special friend." Cosmo considered that. "My only friend," he corrected himself.

He turned to his companion, who, apparently to all but Cosmo, had no interest in hearing more. "Because I didn't have any other friends, you know," said Cosmo.

The man sighed. "Allow me to get out my violin…"

"In fact, everyone else teased me."

"Can't imagine why," mumbled the man sarcastically.

"But if they did when Wanda was there, boy, were they in for it!" laughed Cosmo.

O.o.O

Cosmo and Wanda were walking slowly down a dirt road, Cosmo jabbering on about anything and everything, and Wanda merely listening.

Sometimes the young girl wondered why, of all the friends she could have, why she chose Cosmo. It wasn't like she had an unlimited choice of friends, but still, she definitely wasn't the social outcast that Cosmo was. A smile spread across her sweet face as she realized the answer—her Cosmo was so funny and caring, that it was really hard to fathom why other people made fun of him. Sure, he was a bit stupid. But so what? That was part of his charm.

"…and then Mama swatted the raccoon with a broom!" said Cosmo, telling his tale with such flourish that Wanda giggled.

"What did the raccoon do?" she asked. "Did it run away?"

"Of course it did," said Cosmo, giving her a strange smile. "Wouldn't you?"

Wanda's smile dimmed. "I probably would… but sometimes it's better to stand and fight."

Cosmo laughed so vigorously that Wanda's gloom, temporarily at least, vanished. "Oh, but anyone who fights with my mama is even stupider than me!"

"You're not stupid," said Wanda suddenly, without thinking.

Cosmo sighed and gazed at her sadly, with the strangest expression that Wanda had ever seen on him. "Please, Wanda… don't lie to me. I know I am."

"You're not as stupid as most people think," said Wanda softly.

Cosmo opened his mouth to say something—and a large rock suddenly slammed against his head. "_Ouch!_" he cried, rubbing the spot where it hit.

Wanda spun around and glared at the culprits—three boys in their class, who, when they weren't pulling pranks on their teacher, were mercilessly teasing Cosmo, by both words and actions. "You creeps!" she snarled. "Can't you leave him alone, just for once?"

The boys responded by pelting Cosmo with more rocks. The dazed boy fell over.

Wanda ran to Cosmo's side and helped him up. "Run, Cosmo! Run away!"

"But I thought you said that sometimes it's better to stay and fight!" said Cosmo, the side of his head bleeding by one of the more nasty hits he had received.

"Not this time! _Run!_" Wanda pushed Cosmo to a start, just barely ducking for another airborne rock. Cosmo took off, slow at first, but slowly getting faster… and faster… remembering the urgency with which Wanda had commanded him to run…

The bullies, laughing, jumped on their bikes and pedaled off after Cosmo, still clutching rocks in their hands. Before Wanda could grab the wheels in a feeble attempt to stop them, they had shot past, at a speed that Wanda had never seen _anyone _ride.

"Run, Cosmo, run!" she screamed, hoping to God—if there even was a God—that Cosmo could hear her.

But Cosmo _could _hear her, and as if just the sound of her voice was a jolt to his battery, his run suddenly bolted into a sprint.

How on earth…

Yet, despite the sudden speed that Cosmo found, the bullies were still getting closer and closer. Wanda's hands were clenched so tight, her knuckles were dead white; her face was locked in the grimace of a young girl about to burst into tears; and she was biting her lip so tightly that she drew blood; but she managed to release her tensions for one moment, just enough time to yell again, "Run, Cosmo, _ruuuunnnnn!_"

And suddenly Cosmo was running even faster, dust was literally trailing behind him. He leapt a fence and tore off into a field, leaving the bewildered bullies to gape open mouthed as Cosmo sped out of sight.

Wanda was open mouthed with shock as well.

"_It's kinda funny," laughed Cosmo, "but after that every one expected me to be some sort of really fast runner, but the only time I ever ran that fast was when Wanda told me to… or when I was going to go visit her." His laugh abruptly stopped. "Now, remember when I said that Wanda never seemed to want to go home? Well, she lived out on the edge of town with her uncle… you see, her mama and daddy went up to heaven just after she was born. I went and visited her all the time, of course. Her uncle was really nice, always kissing and touching Wanda…"_

It was a bright, sunny day, and young Cosmo Uhsmith was on a typical mission of his—he was running to Wanda's house. It was a Saturday… no school, but still, Cosmo made every effort to see Wanda every day, even though his mama didn't seem to like that much.

But how could he spend the day with anyone else? Everyone else teased him on what a moron he was. Well, everyone except his mama, whose expectations of her son were so high that even a smart person might have trouble fulfilling.

No, Wanda—whom Cosmo was still convinced was an angel—was the only person who knew how stupid he was, but didn't seem to care. She never made fun of him, and she never tried to make him change.

She was perfect.

Sometimes Cosmo wondered why someone as glorious as her would let an idiot like him even stand in her presence. But such was the mystery of Wanda… the mystery, and the wonderful thing about her…

Cosmo rounded the corner and there was Wanda's house—a ramshackle, run down old building. He was at the door in no time.

"Wanda!" he called out, banging on the door. There was no answer. Cosmo thought for a moment—maybe she was out in the back, where the cornfield was.

There she was, in her worn checkered dress, her pink hair pulled back into a sloppy ponytail. She was picking dryly at a corn leaf, her eyes downcast. Cosmo stopped immediately and drew in a long, shaky breath—something about her today made her look so hauntingly beautiful—more beautiful than usual, even—that it was all he could do to breathe in her presence.

She slowly lifted her face and her large, round, sad pink eyes rested on Cosmo. Cosmo could feel himself shiver. "Hi, Cosmo," she said quietly.

Somehow, Cosmo was able to talk. "Wanda, why weren't you at school yesterday?" he asked. "I needed you there—like I do everyday," he said suddenly, his voice shaking.

His hand flew to his mouth—although he knew for himself just how much he needed Wanda, he had never wanted her to know. Wanda even looked a little surprised, but her head suddenly jerked back towards the house. "Shh. Uncle's taking a nap."

Suddenly, a door slammed inside the house. "_WANDA!_" a loud, terrible voice suddenly yelled. Cosmo jumped; it sounded like Wanda's uncle, but he had never heard him sound so frightening before.

Wanda's wide eyes grew even wider with fright. "Come on!" she whispered urgently, grabbing Cosmo's wrist and pulling him into the cornfield, deeper and deeper.

It was all Cosmo could do to keep up with her, and yet he knew he had to—something was wrong, Wanda was scared, he had to be there with her!

"You'd better get back here, girl!" Wanda's uncle's voice carried through the air with a sickening clarity. Wanda ran faster, Cosmo almost skip-stepping to keep up with her. The corn leaves slapped against the face faster and faster, and Cosmo had no clue of where Wanda was leading them—or if Wanda knew where they were going, even.

Finally, Wanda sank to her knees, almost horror-stricken, but she managed to speak as soon as Cosmo knelt beside her. "Pray with me, Cosmo, _pray _with me!" she whispered. Cosmo, just as wide-eyed as Wanda, nodded dumbly.

Wanda's small palms pushed up against themselves and her prayer tumbled breathlessly out of her mouth. "Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far far away from here. Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far far away from here. Dear God…"

Cosmo's lips tried to move, but didn't. He knew that he should be helping her pray, but as he looked at Wanda, he could only think of one thing, one single thought blocking out everything else, for nothing else mattered.

Wanda was scared.

He reached out a hand to touch her. Wanda jumped back, almost yelping. Tears welled up in her eyes and leaked out on her face, which was starting to tighten from terror. "Sorry," she whispered. "It's just that when my uncle touches me…" And finally, after holding it in for so long, Wanda's face crinkled and she began to sob. Cosmo began to cry too—he might not be able to touch her, but he could be there for her and cry with her.

Yes, he could love her.

O.o.O

"God works in mysterious ways," said Cosmo thoughtfully. "Because he didn't answer Wanda's prayer that day. Instead, he had the police come and say that Wanda didn't have to live in that house anymore. She moved in with her grandma, who lived just down the road from me. Which was great, because now she lived so close to me! She'd even come and visit me… at night." Cosmo's eyes burned softly with the love that had filled them before, remembering. "She'd come to my room a lot at night, saying she was scared. Maybe she was scared of her grandma's dog. He was a mean dog! He stole my cheese once!" Cosmo stopped. "Or maybe… maybe she was remembering her uncle's house…"

O.o.O

It was late, very late. Cosmo's mama had already read him his bedtime story, turned out the light, and left the room. Cosmo was almost asleep when he heard the slight rustling of a nightgown open the door from his balcony and step in the room.

Cosmo sat up. "Wanda…" he said, almost wonderingly.

"I'm scared," said Wanda simply, although she didn't need to. That was what she always said when she came into Cosmo's room late at night. Wordlessly, Cosmo scooted back on his bed, leaving room for Wanda to slide in. The young girl sank gratefully down on his bed, and Cosmo drew in his breath slowly—although this was becoming an almost nightly occurrence, he could still never get over the fact that his beautiful, precious best friend was sleeping so close to him.

Yet Wanda wasn't sleeping… she wasn't even close to falling asleep. She had thought that, once out of her uncle's terrible house, she would be able to forget about him, but not so… no, every night when she tried to sleep, she could hear his rough voice, she could feel him hitting and slapping her for no particular reason… but what was worse, she could feel him _touching _her in places that felt wrong… some that even hurt…

She let out a breath with a strangled sob, and she could feel Cosmo jerk involuntarily next to her. Wanda turned around to face him, knowing that he heard her cry, and feeling rather ashamed about it.

Cosmo's green eyes bore into her with such tenderness that Wanda was almost taken aback. "Why are you crying?" he whispered, tears filling his own eyes as he asked.

"Why are _you _crying?" she whispered back.

"Because you are," was the simple, gentle reply.

"But you don't even know why I'm crying," said Wanda quietly. "And it's nothing that you've ever had to deal with…"

"It doesn't matter," said Cosmo quietly.

Wanda's face scrunched up and her crying became audible. "Cosmo, I… I wish so much that my parents were still alive… maybe they would have loved me." Her voice became almost harsh. "Because no one else ever has. Definitely not my uncle… and I think my grandma wishes that she didn't have to take care of me…" Her mouth dried up as her eyes watered more, and Wanda buried her face into her hands, bawling.

"But Wanda…" Cosmo himself was having trouble talking also, as the sight of Wanda's breakdown had almost triggered one of his own. "Wanda, _I _love you!"

He had said it without thinking, and almost gasped in horror—it was one thing telling her that he needed her, but now she knew the _whole _truth! Strangely, part of him relaxed with the relief of letting out this long-kept secret, but it was quickly overshadowed with fear—what if she laughed at him, what if she didn't want his love, what if she told him he was too young and stupid to know anything about love, what if, what if, what if!

Wanda's arms slid around Cosmo's neck. "I'm glad you do," she whispered into his ear, sending goose bumps down Cosmo's spine. She nestled her face in his shoulder, no longer crying audibly, but tears were still running down her face, and now down Cosmo's arm.

Cosmo could hardly breathe. "Wanda—" his voice was less than a whisper "—Wanda, may I touch you?"

Wanda lifted her face up to look in his. Her mind swirled—what if he would hurt her, like her uncle had? She had never trusted _anyone _before…

…but finally, she realized that there was one, only one person on the entire planet who she could trust not to hurt her. "Yes," she whispered.

Slowly, almost fearfully, Cosmo's arms glided across Wanda's waist. It was Wanda's turn to tremble at his touch. She had never, ever imagined that a touch could feel so good. The only person who had ever touched her like that before was her uncle, and that had terrified and hurt her. But Cosmo's arms around her calmed her; he made her feel safe and… yes, loved!

Cosmo pulled Wanda closer to him, finally able to touch her, to somehow comfort her against all those terrible things that haunted her… but how could it ever be enough to help her, to protect her?

Wanda laid her head down on Cosmo's shoulder. "Thank you," she whispered gently.

"You're welcome," whispered Cosmo automatically. Wanda, despite herself, giggled.

And safe in each other's arms, the two children fell into a grateful slumber.

O.o.O

(AN: Another chapter down, go me! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews, and see you at chapter three!)


	3. A Confusing Time

(AN: I'm sorry for not updating this sooner—it's actually sooner than I usually do, because it normally takes me about a month to update… but I've been trying to update this thing for about a week now and have had _horrible _writer's block! Well, anyhoo, I'm glad that I finally got this chapter out, because I'm going to be leaving for college in less than a week and don't really know how much time I'll have to write. (Probably a lot more than I do now, but whatever…) So here's chapter three—thanks so much for the reviews, Skyhiatrist, Shizzle, WLiiAfanatic, Fairy1234, Trixie21, Band Geek 727, yakko's gal, Live2Write4Ever, and Faye Lunacorn! You're all that and a box of Cheez-Its.)

O.o.O

"Did you know," said Cosmo to his companion, who was now fashioning a noose out of a random rope he had, "Wanda and I were friends all through high school?"

The man gave Cosmo a rather pathetic, "mercy-I-beg-of-you" look. "Well then, I bet she made a lot of these during high school…"

Cosmo laughed out loud. "What, necklaces, you mean? Noooo! Wanda never wore jewelry. But anyway, like I was saying, I think it's time for another flashback… CUE THE SCENE BREAK!"

O.o.O

It was Saturday… quite possibly Cosmo's favorite day. He didn't have to go to school, he could just spend the entire day with Wanda!

Now in high school, Cosmo hadn't gotten much smarter, although thanks to Wanda's patient tutoring, he was still with all the kids his age at school. He had grown rather tall but was rather skinny and clumsy. His green hair had grown even messier throughout the years, making him look quite out of place with the clean cut look that all the other kids had—it was the early 1960's, after all.

He was sitting on that same stump outside of his house that he had sat on waiting for the bus every day since the first day of school. But today, of course, was Saturday, and right now, Cosmo was counting the army of ants below him. Not an easy task, even for someone with a longer attention span than Cosmo.

"Twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty—wait, I already counted that one! Where was I? Oh yeah, twenty-four, thirty-eight, nine hundred seventy-two! Ooh look, a dime!"

He leaned over to pick it up… and then fell off the stump.

"Whee, that was fun! Let's do it again!" he cried, his face covered with ants.

"Hey Cosmo!"

Cosmo stood up, brushing the ants off of his face. Half skipping, half running down the street was Wanda, in her simple dress just below the knees, her long hair free and flying behind her.

"Wanda!" cried Cosmo. "Hey, want an ant? Or a dime?"

"Well…" Wanda deliberated for a moment. "I'll take the dime."

"Okay!" Cosmo dropped it into Wanda's hand. He looked at her other hand, which was clutching a letter. "What's that you're holding?"

Wanda grinned. "That's what I came here to tell you about." She opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. "I've been accepted to that high-end college I applied to!"

"Coo-al!" cried Cosmo happily. "Which one did you apply too? I need to go there too!"

Wanda's face fell. "Uh, Cosmo… it's an all-girls school…"

"Oh…" Cosmo considered this. "Well, I could disguise myself as a girl!" he finally said, pulling out an outrageous green wig, a frilly dress, and lots of makeup.

"Cosmo… you can't come with me."

"But…" Cosmo's lip quivered. "But I need you, Wanda! You can't leave me here! You're my only friend—"

"And I'll _always _be your friend, Cosmo," interrupted Wanda, sliding her arm through his.

Cosmo smiled and sighed, sounding as though he were in pure bliss. "I'll always be your friend too, Wanda," he said to her, giving her that same smile that both pleased and puzzled Wanda. Cosmo continued. "And even though you'll be far away from me, I'll come and visit you every chance I—OUCH!" A rock thrown against his head prematurely ended his conversation.

"Oh great, not you guys again!" shrieked Wanda at the boys, the same ones from their childhood, laughed and jumped into their car. "Can't you ever just—"

The car revved up violently.

Wanda's face turned white. "Run, Cosmo, run!" she cried, pushing Cosmo to a start.

"Okay!" Wanda's command was all Cosmo needed. He was off like a shot down the road.

"His legs sure are faster than his brain is!" laughed one of the boys in the car. They shot past Wanda, although she was running too.

"Run, Cosmo, _ruuun!_" she shouted again, although it seemed doubtful that Cosmo could even hear her, as he was about one hundred yards away and had just jumped a fence on the side of the road.

_Well, _thought Wanda to herself, _that should stop those creeps from following him…_

Not so. The car tore through an area where there was no fence at all and continued following Cosmo through the field.

"God, he is so dead," moaned Wanda.

O.o.O

Cosmo, however, wasn't dead. All he needed was for Wanda to say so, and by God, he did it! And if she wanted him to run fast, then he would!

He was back on a road, running, but the guys had followed him all through that field and were still keeping up.

"Jeez!" gasped Cosmo. "They—pant—must—pant—be—pant—breaking—pant—a lot of—pant pant—driving laws!"

Despite his speed of running when Wanda told him to do so, that car was catching up on him, and fast. Desperately, Cosmo tried to kick in the afterburners—but he just slowed down out of fatigue—he had used up all his fuel back in the field, it seemed.

The car was now just inches behind Cosmo and, thinking fast (_Whee, I'm getting smarter! _he thought proudly to himself), abruptly turned ninety degrees to the right and continued running… straight through a football field. And the team was practicing that day.

"Alright, men, put your backs into it! You're playing like a bunch of girls!" yelled the coach with a pre-women's lib comment to his team.

The play began and the quarterback threw the ball to a teammate. The other practice team immediately sprinted after the guy with the ball… and so did some guy with green hair… in fact, he ran _past _everybody…

The coach stared. "Who in the hell is _that?_" he asked his assistant coach.

"Oh, that there's Cosmo Uhsmith," said the assistant coach dryly. "Just a local idiot."

Cosmo, having long since passed the guy with the ball, ran across the goal line. The guy with the ball just stopped and gawked… and then was suddenly tackled.

"_Now, you probably wouldn't believe it if I told you… but I'm gonna tell you anyway!" laughed Cosmo. "You see, I didn't think I'd ever get into ANY college, because I wasn't smart enough, but I actually did! I got to play football in high school, and I even got to go to college for it!"_

Cosmo stood blankly on the college football field, the huge crowd cheering exuberantly. One of his teammates darted to him and passed him the ball. "Run, Uhsmith!"

"Uh…" Cosmo hesitated. It was one thing running for Wanda, but running for a guy he really didn't know all that well?

"RUN!"

"Okay, okay!" Cosmo tore down the field, desperately remembering, like so many times before, what his coach had told him—"When you get the ball, run to our goal line and don't let anyone from the other team knock you down!"

So he ran… got a little sidetracked, nearly ran off the side, everyone yelled and pointed him the right way, he ran past the goal line, still holding the ball, he continued running, he ran right threw the marching band that was getting ready, he ran out of the stadium…

"_They even put me on this thing called the All-American team, where you get to meet the president!" said Cosmo. "Now, at the White House, they have a lot of free food, and free Dr. Peppers…"_

Cosmo, dressed in his best suit, was gazing lovingly at the food laid before him—all the CHEESE! The rows and rows of cheese! He popped in one, and another, and another…

"_Well, I just couldn't let all that cheese just SIT there! And oh boy, was it TASTY! If being president means you get to have cheese like that every day, then I would love that job! Except… I don't think I'd like all that speech-making they have to do. But anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the cheese! Well, I ate so much of that cheese, I needed stuff to drink it down too, and so I must've drunk about fifteen Dr. Peppers!"_

But now, just mere moments after drinking his last Dr. Pepper and feeling like he really, REALLY needed to make a pit stop, Cosmo was suddenly pushed into a line and had to move up, little by little, as everyone ahead of him shook the president's hand…

"Congratulations, how does it feel to be an All-American?"

"Very good, sir."

"Congratulations, how does it feel to be an All-American?"

"It's an honor sir."

It was now Cosmo's turn. President Kennedy gave Cosmo's hand a firm grasp. "Congratulations. How do you feel?"

Cosmo quickly weighed two opposing forces in his head—weather he should be polite, or honest. He went with honesty.

"I REALLY HAVE TO PEE!" he screamed, tearing off to the bathroom.

Laughing through the dust Cosmo kicked up, Kennedy quipped, "Did you hear that? I believe he said he has to go pee."

O.o.O

"Someone shot that nice president," said Cosmo with a sigh. "And then, a few years later, someone else shot his brother, too. I wonder what it would be like, having a brother? Well, if it means you get shot, then I'm glad I don't have one." He paused for a moment, thinking to himself.

"College was kinda confusing, and lonely," he finally continued. Suddenly, a bus rolled up, cutting him off.

His seating companion looked at the bus gratefully. "That's my bus… thank God…"

"Okay!" said Cosmo. "It was nice talking to you!"

The man stood up and made a run for the bus, nearly tripping and falling into the open door. A woman who had been sitting on the other side of the man, thus not having been noticed by Cosmo until just now, scooted over. She was a few years younger than Cosmo and was holding a small boy in her lap, straightening his shirt.

"I think it is for everybody," she said to Cosmo.

"What is?" Cosmo asked innocently.

"College," said the woman. "You know, you said it was a confusing time in your life."

"Oh yeah!" The departure of his first companion had almost gotten Cosmo completely off track of his story. Almost—but not quite. "Did you go to a boys' and girls' college, or just girls'?"

"It was coed," said the woman.

Cosmo furiously searched his memory banks, trying to remember what "coed" meant. "Oh!" he said finally, giving up. "Well, Wanda went to an all girls' school, like I said earlier, which meant we couldn't go to college together. But I went and visited her every chance I got!"

O.o.O

It was late evening. The wind was cold, the sky was dark blue, almost black, and the atmosphere gave off a generally lonely feeling. The rain didn't help cheer things up, either.

Cosmo leaned against the side of the dorm building, sheltered under the awning above the door. He was waiting for Wanda. He had seen her roommate, who said that she was out with a friend but should be back soon before yelling that he was a guy and wasn't allowed in an all-girls' dorm.

So Cosmo stood outside, shivering from underneath his letter jacket, sporting the football letter that Cosmo had so strangely received in high school.

The slosh of wheels on wet pavement brought his attention to a car that had just rolled in. Cosmo squinted in the window—yes, that was Wanda in there! Wanda with…

He gulped. She was in there with a really handsome guy—medium length honey-blonde hair framing his handsome, chiseled face. And he could faintly hear a love song coming from the car… he could see the faint, blurred forms of Wanda and that striking boyfriend of hers making out… the boyfriend pushed Wanda against the car door, hard…

No, that was _too _hard to be an accident!

Forgetting the rain, Cosmo jumped up and ran to the car, almost ripping the door off. He grabbed the guy by the shirt collar and pulled him out roughly.

All his football training had made Cosmo, while not necessarily buff, stronger than one would think from his skinny frame. Still, though, Wanda's good-looking boyfriend was stronger than Cosmo was, and the two struggled for a few moments… very brief moments. For Cosmo had suddenly remembered a bit of "unsportsmanlike conduct" that had gotten a lot of his teammates in trouble.

Cosmo jammed his kneed up, right between the guy's legs, hitting his "private part" dead-on.

And suddenly, for the first time, Cosmo became aware that Wanda was yelling something.

"Cosmo! What are you doing?" she screeched as her boyfriend fell in a heap on her lap, rather inhibiting her progress of getting out.

"Who _is _this guy?" cried her outraged boyfriend, pointing an accusing finger at Cosmo.

"He's an old friend of mine, he doesn't know any better—"

"Get out of my car!"

"Cougar, wait! Don't do this to me!" cried Wanda, feebly, I might add, as Cougar pushed her out of his car with ease. "Don't leave—"

The door slammed and Cougar drove away faster than you could say "jello monkey".

Pushing her hair out of her eyes, Wanda marched towards Cosmo, who was standing by a tree dumbly. "Cosmo! What are you doing here? Why did you _do _that?"

Cosmo stared at the ground, not knowing what to say. He had obviously done something wrong. Wanda evidently liked that Cougar guy's company… even though he hurt her! But… but did that mean Wanda _liked _to be hurt? No, no, that wasn't true! Cosmo just couldn't stand back and let someone hurt her!

"He hurt you," Cosmo mumbled inaudibly.

"It didn't hurt that bad," snapped Wanda. "And he didn't mean to, either."

"If I were kissing you, I'd be so careful I wouldn't even bump you," he whispered.

Wanda froze. Well, what could she say to _that? _She knew it was true—Cosmo had always been so gentle with her, that even if they were dating, if they were making out, even if they were making love, Cosmo would handle her like a precious porcelain object… not that rough treatment she was so used to by her other boyfriends.

_It would be NICE to be treated that way, _she suddenly found herself thinking.

"I know, Cosmo," she finally said with a sigh.

"What's the matter?" Cosmo asked, having detected the sigh.

"Nothing, just… I can't stay mad at you for very long, that's all." She almost smiled at him.

Cosmo _did _smile. "Yay! I can't stay mad at you long either… actually, I'm not sure if I've ever been mad at you…"

"What about that time I laughed when you spilled your lunch tray all over yourself?" said Wanda, unsuccessfully trying to hold back a giggle. "The day they served chili? You looked so ridiculous!"

Cosmo thought about this. "Yeah, I guess I was kinda mad at you that day."

The rain was still coming down strong. Wanda pulled a wet strand of hair from her eyes. "Let's get out of this rain, shall we?"

O.o.O

"I _can't _take off my clothes in front of you, Wanda! You're a girl and I'm a guy!"

Wanda sighed and smiled. Boy, did Cosmo have a lot to learn about the world. "It's just to dry them, Cosmo. You don't want to sit around in wet clothes, do you?" She pulled off her wet blouse and skirt. Cosmo quickly averted his gaze.

The two were in Wanda's small, cluttered dorm room, filled with books, dirty clothes, and half-eaten food items. Cosmo sat on the bed, shivering and chattering his teeth loudly. Wanda sighed and grabbed two towels from a dresser.

"Come on, Cosmo. You're going to catch pneumonia if you stay in those." After hanging her own soaking clothes to dry, she sat down next to Cosmo, handing him a towel. Cosmo shivered again, every bit as much from seeing so much of Wanda's flesh as from the cold.

"W-what's pneumonia?" he asked.

"It's like a cold, only worse. You wouldn't get to play football," she added, smiling wily at him.

"Oh… okay." Cosmo took off his shirt and quickly wrapped himself in the towel, but it was still enough time for Wanda to get a good look at his chest. She viewed him in awe, not having realized how much muscle that football training had endowed upon Cosmo. True, he was no hulking muscular hunk. However, those muscles seemed to give his lean, slender body a sort of grace and form that Wanda couldn't help but stare at.

"Hmm… you look good, Cosmo," she said.

Cosmo finally looked her in the eyes, doing his utmost to not look at her bra as his gaze averted upward. "What?"

"You're really attractive," she said with a sly smile. "I'll bet you've got a lot of girls fawning over you at the university."

"Not… not really…" It took everything in Cosmo's power to say something, anything to her, for his mind was still embracing those four words… "You look good, Cosmo."

She thought he was attractive! She had a gorgeous boyfriend like that Cougar guy, and then she called him attractive. Cosmo had to stop himself from singing. Oh, long had he hoped for Wanda to say that! Long had he gazed upon her, finding her too beautiful for words, but never had he expected her to think _he _looked good!

Seeing Cosmo's beaming smile, Wanda smiled and wrapped her arms around his waist. "I'm surprised," she murmured, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Now twice as elated as he was before, Cosmo held Wanda in his arms too, and the two rocked each other…

…much to the horror and disgust of Wanda's roommate.

O.o.O

(AN: Another chapter down! Don't know how much time college will give me to update, but I would think it would probably be about the same as high school did. So hopefully I'll be able to update soon!)


	4. You're In the Army Now

(AN: Hi-ya! College has been treating me just peachy but, as it is Labor Day weekend and my parents didn't let me come home, I had plenty of time to update this fic… and my other two fics as well! Thanks again for all the reviews, and to Band Geek—yeah, Cougar was pretty mean in this story, but I had to do that, you know, to fit into the story better. And I wanted him to make an appearance too… so there we go! And now, on with the chapter.)

O.o.O

"All it took me was five years of playing football, and I graduated from college!" said Cosmo, giving the mother and son sitting next to him a smile. "Well, five years of college, and a bunch of studies of things that I never really understood… but that's what those tutors were for!"

The woman nodded.

"A lot of people thought I wouldn't graduate at all, but I showed them!" laughed Cosmo. "And Mama was so proud of me!"

O.o.O

"I'm so _proud _of you, Cosmo!"

Cosma instinctively straightened Cosmo's graduation gown as she gave him a hug. "You showed all those idiots that you could make it in college!"

"Yeah, and guess what I leaned in college, Mama?" said Cosmo excitedly, like a five-year-old. He made his hand into a fist, stuck it up through his gown sleeves and in his armpit, and started "farting" out the tune of "Hail, Hail, The Gang's All Here".

"Uh, that's nice, dear…" said Cosma uncertainly. "Didn't you learn anything _else _though?"

"Well…" Cosmo considered this for a minute. "I learned something about… what was it… the English Civil War?"

"Oh, good!" said Cosma. "You're all set then!"

"I am?" asked Cosmo, shocked.

"Well, not yet."

A new voice said those words. Cosmo and Cosma spun around and saw a man in an army uniform holding pamphlets. "You still need worldly experience to really make it out in the real world. Have you given any thought to your future?" The army man handed Cosmo one of the pamphlets and sauntered off to another victim.

"Thought?" asked Cosmo in confusion, looking at the pamphlet, which read "I WANT YOU FOR THE U. S. ARMY".

"Absolutely not!" hissed Cosma. "I forbid you to join the army, Cosmo!"

"Well, I don't really want to…" Cosmo's voice trailed off as he opened the pamphlet and began to read it. "Hey, Mama! Listen this! 'Join the army and you'll be manly and tough!' I wanna join the army! I wanna be manly and tough!"

"I said, I forbid it!" snapped Cosma. "And that's the end of that!"

"Mama, I'm twenty-three years old! I can make decisions for myself!" said Cosmo, his lip jutting out.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" said Cosma, her eyes narrowing fiercely. "You're not joining the army, and that's final!"

O.o.O

"Hi, I'm Cosmo!"

"NO ONE GIVES A DAMN WHO YOU ARE, GET YOUR ASS ON THE BUS, YOU'RE IN THE ARMY NOW!"

"Uh… Okay!" Cosmo leapt up the rest of the stairs on the bus and looked around for a seat, the heavy rain from outside pounding in his ears and making it even harder to think than it usually was for him.

He spotted a place to sit and moved towards it.

The man sitting there moved over defensively. "This seat's taken."

Cosmo looked again at another seat. The other occupant placed his bag on the seat. "Taken."

"_Now, at first I thought I was making a mistake… and besides, it was REALLY reminding me of the first day of school!" remembered Cosmo. "And I hadn't even gotten to basic training yet!"_

Cosmo tried again and looked at a seat with only one occupant—a man with buck teeth and a silly pink hat. Seeing Cosmo looking at his seat, the buck toothed person moved his suitcase to his lap. "Sit down if you want to," he said in a friendly tone.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Cosmo sat down next to him.

"_Being in the army something completely different from anything I'd ever done before!" admitted Cosmo. "I didn't know what kind of people I'd meet, or what kind of questions they'd ask me, or how much of my knowledge of the English Civil War I'd be needing. But hey, I found out soon enough!"_

"Hey, have you ever been on a shrimping boat?" said the buck-toothed guy.

Cosmo blinked. "Uh, no… have you?"

His companion also blinked. "Well… no. But I was going to start up my own shrimping business! But then I got drafted. But I'll start it up as soon as I get out of the army!"

"Why do you want to?" asked Cosmo. Although he knew that he wasn't as smart as most other people, he still couldn't see why anyone who'd never been in the shrimping business before would suddenly want to start.

The buck-toothed man's eyes turned into hearts. "Trixie Tang," he said in a dreamlike voice.

"Who's that?"

Buck-Teeth shook himself out of his trance. "Oh, she's only the most beautiful and perfect woman in the universe! But she wants nothing to do with me. However, her father's in the shrimping business—he got rich because of that! So I figure, all I gotta do is start up my own business and she'll be all over me!"

"Wow, I never thought you could attract women with shrimp!" cried Cosmo, trying to imagine himself wearing shrimp all over his body and wondering if Wanda would actually find that attractive. "I've gotta try that sometime!"

"I can help you there!" The buck-toothed man opened his suitcase and pulled out a lot of books on shrimp. "I've been researching shrimp, you see, and…" The man stopped. "But wait, you don't even know my name." He extended his hand; Cosmo shook it. "My given name is Timothy Thomas Turner, but everyone calls me Timmy. Can you believe that? It's like a little kid name!"

"My name's Cosmo Uhsmith… People call me Cosmo Uhsmith," said Cosmo with a shrug.

"_Well, the army was a lot different than what either Timmy or me thought!" said Cosmo. "Our knowledge of seafood and English wars didn't seem to help us much… but boot camp wasn't that hard, actually…"_

"UHSMITH!"

The big, muscular drill sergeant shouted straight in Cosmo's face, and it was all Cosmo could do to stand up straight. The drill sergeant continued shouting. "I, Jorgen von Strangle, toughest drill sergeant in the universe, have seen my share of puny recruits, but you are by far the puniest, stupidest one that has ever stepped foot in the prestigious boot camp! WHAT IS YOUR SOLE PURPOSE IN THIS ARMY?"

"Uh… to eat cheese! No, wait, to… to march around and polish my boots! Wait, that's not it…" Cosmo began sweating profusely. Jorgen von Strangle, looking at his little note card that said, "To serve my country well and obey the orders of my commanding officer," snorted, knowing that the puny, idiotic Uhsmith would never even get close.

Finally, Cosmo broke down and started to sob. "To do whatever you tell me, drill sergeant!"

"GOD DAMMIT!"

Cosmo winced again, knowing he said something wrong.

"That's the BEST answer I've EVER heard! I thought you were a moron, but you've obviously got SOMETHING working up there! NOW STAND BACK AT ATTENTION, PUNY RECRUIT!"

"Yes, drill sergeant!"

"_So the army wasn't as bad as it seemed to be at first, really. All you had to do was make your bed real nice, keep your boots nice and shiny, clean up any pudding that you dropped on the floor, and always answer every question with, 'Yes, drill sergeant!'"_

O.o.O

The army consisted of other things too, like learning how to clean and load guns. Timmy, as usual, was chatting informally with Cosmo about the only thing that seemed to be on his mind—shrimping, and how he would win Trixie's heart because of it.

"The shrimping community down south is what holds the economy together, don't you know? It's also a very competitive business. I figure, all I gotta do is make a good name for myself while not blowing Trixie's old man out of the water, and I'll have it—"

"DONE, DRILL SERGEANT!" Cosmo suddenly hollered at the top of his lungs.

"UUUUHSMITH!" Jorgen's voice seemed to be very drawn-out. In an instant, he was looming over Cosmo.

"Why did you finish that so quickly?"

"…you told me to, drill sergeant!"

"Jesus Christ! For a moron, you're a genius!"

"Huh?"

"Disassemble your weapon and assemble it again!"

Cosmo immediately obeyed.

"Well, anyway, like I was saying," continued Timmy, picking right back up where he started, "I don't think it'll be hard for me. You see, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbeque it, sauté it, boil it…"

O.o.O

Cosmo and Timmy were polishing their boots.

"…shrimp salad, shrimp pasta, shrimp gumbo, shrimp flambé…"

O.o.O

Now the two friends were cleaning the bathroom floor with toothbrushes.

"…shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp on a stick, shrimp sandwich…"

Timmy suddenly stopped. Cosmo stopped too and looked up at him.

"That's about it," said Timmy dryly. Cosmo nodded, and the two continued their task.

O.o.O

"_Nighttime in the army is a lonely time," remembered Cosmo simply. "I mean, during the rest of the day, we were always too busy to be thinking about home and stuff. But at nighttime, I always thought of Wanda, and Timmy always thought of Trixie, and even the other guys looked at magazines with girls in them."_

"Hey, Uhsmith!" said someone, throwing a magazine on Cosmo's lap. Cosmo shot him an annoyed look; he had been trying to sleep. Trying was the key word, however—at night, thoughts of Wanda would never stop running through his mind and keeping him awake into the wee hours of the morning.

"Check out the tits on her!" said the guy who threw the magazine, in a voice that sounded excited, for some reason.

Cosmo picked up the magazine and winced—it was a naked woman! He wasn't supposed to look at that! He quickly flipped to another page, hoping that he would see someone with a little more clothes on.

And he did, alright.

"Whoa, is that…" he whispered, although it was pointless to ask—of _course _it was Wanda! Wanda, wearing her college jacket and giving that strange, sad gaze of hers that both enchanted and haunted Cosmo.

"_For some reason, Wanda got in trouble for those pictures—I don't know why, they were really pretty!—and she got kicked out of college! But it wasn't that bad though, because someone found those pictures and offered Wanda a job! So I went to go see her, and she was working in this really cool club!"_

Cosmo may have considered it "cool", but most other people would consider it "seedy", and only Cosmo seemed oblivious to that. Although, even Cosmo could tell he was out of place—he was in his army uniform, and everyone else there seemed to be wearing whatever the first clothes they had found that day were… and some of it looked like it was found in a dumpster.

As he walked in, there was a woman wearing almost nothing who was just leaving the stage. Cosmo covered his eyes and grimaced to himself. Wanda wouldn't be running around with next to no clothing on… would she?

"Alright, thanks Amber!" said some announcer guy. "And now, please put your hands together for the lovely Bobbie Dylan!"

The curtain opened and Wanda was on stage—she wasn't wearing much, it was like she had just jumped up on stage wearing only a swimsuit, but at least it was _something_.

"Uh, Pete?" she said to the announcer guy. "I can't find my guitar… like I could play it anyway…"

Cosmo scratched his head. Why were they calling her Bobbie, why were they making her play a guitar, why were they making her go out on stage wearing nothing but a bikini… this _was _Wanda, right?

"That's alright, darlin', you can stay on anyway!" said one of the members of the audience loudly. A lot of other people laughed—not very nicely, either. Cosmo could feel his muscles tighten—_they were laughing at her!_ And not in the laughing way if she just told a joke—no, this was mean laughter. This was the kind of laughter that he always faced. It was the mean kind.

"Yeah, sure," muttered Wanda, rolling her eyes.

One of the guys from the audience suddenly reached up and tried to grab Wanda's ankle.

She kicked him off. "You jerk!"

"You should expect it, if you came here," muttered Pete.

Now two more were clawing up towards Wanda—and Cosmo couldn't stand it anymore.

Driven by some sort of other power, Cosmo grabbed a table and hoisted it above his head—still skinny, but now, with football and the added bonus of boot camp under his belt, _much _stronger than anyone would give him credit for.

And then, he hurled it across the room, knocking all those jerks to the ground.

Cosmo couldn't keep back a loud laugh.

"_Cosmo? _What are you doing here… and why did you throw that table!" shrieked Wanda.

"Oh great," mumbled Cosmo under his breath. "I must have done something wrong again…"

O.o.O

"You can't keep doing this, Cosmo!"

Cosmo didn't say anything. He and Wanda had left the club and were now walking in the cold night air. Wanda shivered a bit from underneath her jacket.

Wanda turned and gave him an exasperated glance. "You can't keep trying to rescue me all the time!"

God, was is difficult to talk! It was like someone had sandpapered Cosmo's throat. He tried to say something, anything, but all he could do was think to himself, _God, Wanda's changed so much… but… but she's still Wanda, and…_

"I… I can't help it!" he finally managed to blurt out. "I love you!"

Wanda stared at him in a "You're joking, right?" kind of way. Cosmo was confused and dismayed by that expression. "Remember? I told you I did! When we were kids!"

"Yeah, when we were kids…" Wanda shook her head. "But you didn't know what love was. You _still _don't," she added coldly.

Cosmo froze. Was she right? Was that feeling, that feeling that overtook him every breathing moment of his life since he first met her something less than love? Wanda would know, of course; she knew more about everything there was to know about than Cosmo—well, everything except football and boot camp.

"Well, I feel _something _for you, Wanda," he finally whispered. "And if it isn't love, it sure feels like what I thought love was supposed to feel like."

Wanda barely heard him. Instead, she was looking down at the river underneath them.

Cosmo's coming in and, in a sense, pulling her out of there was a sign, it had to be. A part of her knew that she shouldn't have done this—she shouldn't have taken that indecent job… but hey, it was a way to get money, right? Especially since she was thrown out of college. But what did they care? Why should she care? If you've got it, flaunt it, right?

And yet, some small part of her knew that it was wrong… that she should be doing something else with her life instead of giving guys erections all the time.

But it was too late now. Without a college education, what else could she do?

"Do you remember when we were little and we used to pray for God to turn us into birds?" she whispered quietly.

"Yes," said Cosmo, shuddering at that memory—even though it hadn't been _his _uncle, sometimes that terrible voice still gave him nightmares.

"Do you think I could fly off this bridge?"

"Uh, no…" Suddenly Cosmo noticed how one of her feet was slowly slipping off the railing. Without thinking, he grabbed Wanda and pulled her off.

"No, definitely not!" he cried. "Don't _do _that! Even I know that—"

He stopped, unable to say anything else, as his mind swarmed with imagining what he would do if Wanda were to die.

"Yeah…" Wanda sighed. No; killing herself wouldn't make any difference, she decided. "I gotta get outta here…"

Conveniently, a car was just now crossing the bridge. Wanda walked out into the road, flagging it down.

"Wanda," asked Cosmo, "where are you—"

"I don't know, and I don't care, and you shouldn't care either," she said suddenly. The car stopped. "Can I have a ride?" she asked the driver.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't care."

"Get in."

Cosmo watched his beautiful angel open the passenger side door, and some part of him realized that he might never see her again, especially since…

"I wouldn't be able to go with you anyway," he blurted out. "They're sending me to Vietnam."

Wanda froze and stared at him.

"It's this whole other country," clarified Cosmo. "I hope they have cheese there…"

Wanda turned to the driver. "Could you wait just a minute?" She jumped off the step to the truck and went to Cosmo, putting her hands on his shoulders.

"Promise me that, if you're ever in any danger there, don't try to be brave. Just run away, okay?"

Cosmo nodded. "Okay."

"You promise?"

"Yes," said Cosmo. All Wanda had to do was ask him, and he was like her slave.

Wanda let go of him and started back for the truck.

"Wanda, I…" Cosmo's voice stopped. He knew what he wanted to say, but he knew that, for whatever reason, what he felt he felt and what he actually felt were two different things, according to Wanda, even though he had no idea was real love must actually feel like, if those powerful emotions that flooded him every time he even thought of Wanda weren't even love. "I'll write you every day!" he finally said.

It wasn't what he wanted to say, but it was close enough.

Wanda just looked at him, sadly, and then got into the truck… and drove off.

O.o.O

It wasn't love.

But if it wasn't love, what then _was _it? Why did he feel this way… it was so powerful, something that seemed to weigh his heard down and send it soaring at the same time—but it wasn't love! But then again, if there was an emotion greater than this, Cosmo couldn't help but think that it would be so powerful that it would kill whoever felt love…

Cosma sat down next to Cosmo. They were on a log outside of their house, overlooking a valley.

"I _told _you not to join the army…" Cosma's voice started off reprimanding, but suddenly she became choked up with tears. Cosmo felt sick to his stomach.

"Just… just don't get yourself killed!" she cried, hugging him tightly. Cosmo hugged his mother back, wondering…

"Mama… what's love?"

"Love?" Cosma's tears stopped flowing and she gave him a strange look. "Why do you ask?"

"Because… because I thought I was in love, but I guess it wasn't love… so I want to know what love really is—"

"Hold it." Cosma glared at him. "You were _in love? _With who?"

Cosmo fidgeted. "Well, I _thought _I was, but she told me I wasn't—"

"_WHO?_"

"Uh… Wanda," he finally said with hesitation.

"_WANDA?_" Cosma stiffened. "That little wench friend of yours? Well, whoever told you that you weren't in love with her is right! She's a bad influence, and—"

"I _know _my own emotions, Mama," whispered Cosmo suddenly. "And I know that I could never feel the way I do for Wanda for _anyone _else. I don't know much, but I do know that."

"You… I won't let Wanda or any other woman take you away from me!" Cosma suddenly cried, jumping off the log and storming back into the house.

And Cosmo, left all alone on the log, buried his face into his hands and sobbed.

O.o.O

(AN: Wow. This chapter was pure crap. I literally had to force every word out of me. Sigh. Let's hope the next chapter is better, huh? If you're still reading this, I shall see you whenever I might update next. Cheerio!)


	5. War, What is it Good For?

(AN:

Wow.

Thank you all _so _much for the reviews for the last chapter. I swear I didn't say that I thought the chapter was crap just so I could get showered with praises; I honestly and truly thought it _was_ crap. And then I get a wave of reviews saying that I'm insane for thinking so. You people must see something in my writing that I don't.

Heck, I'm so grateful I'll name you all again—Skyhiatrist, Shizzle, WLiiAfanatic, Fairy1234, Trixie21, Band Geek 727, yakko's gal, Live2Write4Ever, Faye Lunacorn, that person with no name (ha!), Lilylynn, almostinsane, SashaJay, dArkliTe-sPirit, Aerinsoul, and EvilspyAchacial. Sixteen different reviewers already. I'm really honored. And I thank ALL of you for your kind words. I can't tell you how much they mean to me.

So again, thank you very much. I'm touched. (sniff)

Okay, on with the actual author's note. I'm sorry this chapter is a little late—I've been pretty good about getting a chapter up in one of my stories weekly, but this past weekend I went home and spent quality time with my family, which, of course, takes a little precedence. Ha ha. But I'm back in my dorm now, and I shall bring you chapter five, a la mode! Enjoy!)

O.o.O

"_Now, everyone told me that Vietnam was going to be completely different from home, and besides all the beer and barbeques and sweaty guys, IT WAS! There wasn't even any cheese there!" cried Cosmo, sounding horrified, recalling the strange new country._

Cosmo and Timmy, in their army camouflage, jumped out of the helicopter and landed on the strange ground of Vietnam.

"I hear there's really good shrimping here," said Timmy. "Although, not that I would know… I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SHRIMPING!" And the fully-grown army private broke down and sobbed.

Cosmo blinked. "Timmy, you know _way _more about shrimp than I do! Then again, you know way more about almost everything than I do!"

"If I can't win my one true love with shrimp, how else will I be able to?" cried Timmy, huge tears leaking out of his eyes.

"Uh… win her with pudding? That's what I always tried!" Cosmo added cheerfully.

"The best way to a woman's heart is through her stomach," said Timmy thoughtfully. "Maybe I can learn how to make a tuna noodle casserole…"

Cosmo suddenly grabbed Timmy by the arm and pulled him off the ground. "Weren't we supposed to… do something important right when we landed."

Timmy's eyes bulged. "Check in with the lieutenant! I forgot! Come on, we'd better hurry!"

It was now Timmy's turn to grab Cosmo by the wrist. Timmy shot off to a small hut, with Cosmo following, half running, half stumbling.

The man who was obviously the lieutenant gave a sneer at the two imbeciles tripping over themselves to go get to him. He was a rather tall, skinny man with thick-framed glasses and thin black hair. "Are you two morons my new recruits?" he asked, almost mockingly.

Timmy and Cosmo immediately straightened up and saluted professionally. "YES, SIR!" they hollered.

"DON'T salute me!" snapped the lieutenant. "Do you know how many snipers there are out there who'd just love to have just one chance to take out a lieutenant like me? Then again, they might have KNOWLEDGE that I am a lieutenant… thanks to the Viet Kong's practice of employing… FAIRY GOD PARENTS!" On the last three words, the lieutenant fell into a fit of spasms, accented on each syllable.

"This guy's a looney!" whispered Cosmo to Timmy. Timmy chuckled.

"Do NOT call your commanding officer a looney!" shrieked the lieutenant. He paused and took a deep breath. "I'm Lieutenant Denzel Crocker," he finally said, nodding at each of them.

Timmy and Cosmo didn't know what else to say to their lieutenant, so they both just nodded back. Crocker looked at Timmy's mouth.

"What's wrong with your teeth?" he snapped.

Timmy's eyes fluttered down to his rather large and conspicuous buckteeth. "I was born with buckteeth, sir," said Timmy finally. "There's nothing I can really do about it—"

"Well, you're going to have to!" snapped Crocker. "Or else you'll get that caught on a trip mine!"

Timmy immediately tried to close his bottom lip over his teeth.

Crocker sighed. "Stare at the board until the lunch bell rings," he finally said, very dryly.

"Huh?" both Timmy and Cosmo asked.

"Oh, sorry!" cried Crocker, shaking himself out of a somewhat funk. "I used to be a second-rate elementary school teacher obsessed with FAIRY GOD PARENTS!"

"But now you're a second-rate lieutenant obsessed with fairy godparents?" Cosmo ventured.

"SILENCE!" hollered Crocker. Timmy and Cosmo paled and took a step back.

Crocker shot another glare at them, then turned around and walked towards another private. "The most important thing that you'll ever own out here is socks," he said to them, but not looking, as he walked on.

"Uh… why not monkeys?" Cosmo asked.

"I said SILENCE!" roared Crocker, spinning around to face them. Timmy and Cosmo had now turned death white.

"_Lieutenant Denzel sure knew his stuff!" recalled Cosmo. "And he should have, too! Did you know that someone in his family had died in every—single—American war? I guess you could say he had a lot to live up to… or die up to… saaaay, how _would _you word that, anyway? Oh well, back to the narrative!"_

After chewing out the other poor unfortunate officer, Crocker turned back to Timmy and Cosmo. "There are two standing orders here," he said to them, still giving them that sour, "get the hell away from me" look. "Number one, take good care of your feet—"

"Do you have some sort of foot fetish?" Timmy asked innocently.

"How many times do I have to say _**SILENCE?!**_" bellowed Crocker. Timmy turned so pale he was almost invisible.

"Uh… what's the second order?" asked Cosmo, who, too, had turned strangely transparent.

"The second one, which I highly doubt you two will follow, is to try not to do anything stupid… like getting yourself killed… especially by FAIRY GOD PARENTS!" Crocker spazzed his way into the makeshift toilet.

Cosmo blinked at Timmy. "I sure hope I don't let him down," he said finally.

O.o.O

The next few weeks were dominated with constant walking, walking, walking.

And Cosmo had absolutely no clue of what was going on.

"_I had absolutely no clue of what was going on," remembered Cosmo. "But it was okay, because I sure got to see a lot of the countryside! And it was… well…" His voice trailed off. "I guess it wasn't always fun," he admitted. "Sometimes, Lieutenant Denzel would get these funny feelings, so he'd tell us to get down, and shut up!"_

Crocker, leading his platoon, suddenly threw his arm up in the air, halting his troops. With a swift hand movement, he motioned for them all to hide by the side of the path.

"Get down! Shut up!" he snapped at them.

His troops immediately obeyed.

"_Now, you know that I don't know much… so you already know more than me anyway!" laughed Cosmo. His voice suddenly dropped to a whisper, remembering the silence of the troops after Lieutenant Denzel's order. "But I think that some of America's greatest young men served in that war—either that, or I think pudding is tasty. I kinda lost my train of thought there. What was I saying? Oh yeah! There was Chester, from Chicago…"_

A rather dirty but still friendly-looking young man with messy blonde hair shot a look of questioning at a black man with a rather large head, seeming to house a very large brain…

"_And there was A.J., and he was from Truth or Consequences…"_

A.J. shot the look back to Chester and rolled his eyes towards an Indian young man who wore glasses.

"_And there was Sanjay, who was from Delhi… waaait, that's not in America! Of course, he might have just been born in a deli. Let's go with that!"_

Sanjay, in turn, shot a look to another guy wearing glasses, but who also had en enormous boil on his cheek. "Psst, hey Elmer!" hissed Sanjay in his curious accent. "What's going on?"

Elmer shrugged. "I don't know… do you know, Bob?"

"_And Elmer, he was from… well, I don't remember where he was from," said Cosmo. "But he had a boil named Bob. That was really creepy!"_

Up at the front of the line, Crocker apparently decided that there was no danger after all. "Alright, on your feet, you miserable little pip-squeaks! This job doesn't pay enough…"

"_There was always something to do in Vietnam!"_

"Fire in the hole!"

**BAAAAMM!**

The hole behind Cosmo and Crocker exploded like none other. Cosmo grinned at it once the dust had cleared. "Coo-al!" he cried.

Crocker rolled his eyes. "Uhsmith, you idiot, check out that hole," muttered Crocker, handing Cosmo a pistol (dangerous combination!).

"Yay!" cried Cosmo, practically leaping into the hole.

"_One day, it started to rain, and it didn't stop for FOUR MONTHS! Four months of rain!" Cosmo sounded horrified. "It was terrible! It rained… well, every type of rain there is, but I don't want to explain it all, so let's just say that I was ALWAYS wet. ALWAYS! It even rained at night!"_

"I can't sleep with all this rain," Cosmo mumbled to himself. It was nighttime and the troops were camped out on the ground—the soaking wet ground. Cosmo huddled up in his poncho in a vain attempt to warm up.

"Hey, Cosmo." Cosmo turned his head to the voice; Timmy was scooting up next to him, wrapped in his own poncho.

"Hey, Timmy," said Cosmo, making no attempt to hide the unhappiness in his voice.

"This stinks, doesn't it?" moaned Timmy.

"Yeah, it smells like stinky feet," said Cosmo.

"Hey, I'll lean up against you, and you can lean up against me, and then we won't have to sleep with our heads in the mud, okay?" offered Timmy.

"Okay!" It was the first good thing that Cosmo had heard that day.

"Hey Cosmo… I've been thinking about something."

"Does it involve shrimp?"

"Well, actually… yes." Timmy's voice suddenly became faster and almost business-like. "So I want to win Trixie's heart, but she won't have me. And you want to win Wanda's heart, but she won't have you. Since we're both in the same boat figuratively, why not be in the same both literally?"

Cosmo blinked. "Uh, I lost you on the word 'so'," he admitted.

"What I'm trying to say is, once we get out of the army, do you want to join the shrimping business with me?"

Cosmo blinked again.

Well. Did he? It wasn't a question he had lied awake thinking of constantly—shrimp was never a big factor on his mind, not the way Wanda, cheese, and monkeys were.

But still… once the war was over, what _would _he do? He didn't really have any other plans, and shrimping with Timmy might actually be kinda fun.

"Okay!" said Cosmo finally.

"Yay!" cried Timmy in an almost Cosmo-style type of voice. "And I've got it all figured out too. We can just live right on the boat, and split everything fifty-fifty! Once we get rich and prosperous, and when Trixie and Wanda finally open their eyes and see how wonderful we are, we'll marry them and they can live on the boat too! And we can raise families on the boat… and then, like, my son and your daughter could get married and their children would carry on the shrimping tradition! How does that sound?"

"That sounds like a great idea!" cried Cosmo, imagining little crosses between himself, Timmy, Wanda, and Trixie (at least, the vague picture he had of Trixie, as he had obviously never seen her before) running around on a boat, eating shrimp.

"_Timmy DID have a great idea!" remembered Cosmo. "I even wrote Wanda about it—although I left out the part about our grandkids, cuz I thought that might scare her. I wrote her all the time—not everyday, but almost. I'd always tell her what I was doing, and how much I wanted some pudding, and all that. And I signed the letters 'love' because, well, I didn't know how else to sign it," said Cosmo finally. "I didn't know how to spell 'sincerely', and besides, 'love' seemed to be the only thing that fit! Well, anyway, back to the story… one day, the rain finally stopped!"_

As the troops were trudging through the jungle, the rain, very suddenly… stopped. Cosmo stopped walking for a moment to look up at the suddenly clear sky. So did many of his companions.

A sudden ripping noise shot through the air, as the man next to Cosmo suddenly fell over.

Then all hell broke loose.

"We're being attacked!" Crocker screamed over the bullets and explosions that were filling the air. "I knew it! They tracked us with their FAIRY GOD PARENTS!"

Cosmo instinctively dropped to the ground and crawled to the ditch where the rest of the platoon was firing at will at the unseen enemy.

"We need reinforcements!" Cosmo could hear Crocker screaming on the backpack phone over the endless firing. "We need help! We need FAIRY GOD PARENTS!"

Cosmo turned to look at two of his companions, who were setting up a large gun to fire back—but were suddenly blown away.

"Aaaaah!" he screamed, despite himself.

So this was why Mama didn't want him to join the army…

Crocker pulled the phone he was yelling into away from his ear. "PULL BACK!" he screamed.

"Pull back what?" Cosmo screamed back.

"Run, Cosmo!" It was someone else yelling this time; it was Timmy. "Run!"

And then Cosmo remembered what he had promised Wanda.

"_Promise me that, if you're ever in any danger there, don't try to be brave. Just run away, okay?"_

And Cosmo jumped up and ran.

And ran.

And ran.

"_I ran, and ran, and ran… just like Commander typed!" said Cosmo. "I ran so far, that pretty soon I was all alone, which was _not a good thing."

Cosmo was out of the jungle… and he was the _only _one out of the jungle.

He turned and looked behind him. "Timmy?" he called out in timid dread.

No answer. No response.

Cosmo ran back into the jungle.

"_Timmy was my friend! I couldn't just leave him there!" cried Cosmo, the tone in his voice clearly indicating impending doom._

He ran, but this time he was running _towards _the danger. Towards! But he could just leave Timmy behind. He couldn't leave Timmy to—no, no, Timmy couldn't die. He wouldn't.

Cosmo suddenly heard a moan, and he instinctively spun around and aimed his gun at the person who made the noise—and then lowered it. "Elmer!" he cried out.

There was Elmer, "the boil guy", laying on the ground, with a pained expression on his face.

Cosmo could feel a sob work its way through his throat. He _had _to find Timmy, and yet he couldn't just leave Elmer here too! Elmer was hurt!

He reached down, and, using all the strength he could muster (now that physical training, from boot camp all the way to high school football, was finally being put to good use… that is, other than beating up people who hurt Wanda), hoisted Elmer up on to his shoulders and stumbled his way out of the jungle and to the beach area that he had found earlier.

"Hey, thanks—OUCH!" cried Elmer as Cosmo dropped him on the ground. Cosmo didn't even reply. He spun around and ran straight back into the jungle.

"_I kept running back and forth… every time I went in there, I heard somebody saying, 'Help me, Cosmo! Help me!' So I did… I pulled out Elmer, and Sanjay, and Chester, and A.J., and a bunch of other people… but I started to get scared that I might never find Timmy at all!"_

Cosmo was starting to feel exhausted, but he was pushing threw the jungle again, looking for his friend—and suddenly tripped and fell flat on his face.

He gasped in horror when he saw what he had tripped on, or rather who—it was the form of one of his buddies, Vincent. At least, it _might _have been Vincent. His face was so blown apart, it was hard to tell.

"I'm tellin' ya, they're all over this place! The only way to get rid of 'em is to blow them all to smithereens! Either that or wish for them to go away with our FAIRY GOD PARENTS, but we don't _have _them, do we?"

Cosmo fell to the ground and grabbed Crocker's shoulders. "Lieutenant Denzel, Vincent's dead!"

"I _**KNOW **_he's dead; my whole Goddamn platoon has been wiped out!" shrieked Crocker.

"Not all of them!" cried Cosmo. "I've saved some of them, and I'll save you too!" With that, he lifted Crocker into the air.

"Put me down, God dammit, leave me here! That's an order!" cried Crocker.

Cosmo usually obeyed the orders given to him by his commanding officer, but not this time. He continued to head in the direction of the beach, despite Crocker's protests.

"I said, you freaking moron, leave me here! Get out of here and leave me be!"

"_And then… it felt like something just jumped up and bit me!" cried Cosmo in recollection._

"Ow!" cried Cosmo, stumbling and falling to the ground, still holding Crocker. "Something bit me!"

Crocker pulled out his gun and began firing at… something. "You son of a—"

"Hey!" cried Cosmo, struggling back to his feet and continuing taking Crocker to safety.

In no time, he was on the beach where all the other men he had rescued were. Cosmo deposited Crocker on the ground and turned to go back to the jungle, but Crocker grabbed him by the collar and jerked him down.

"I didn't ask you to pull me out of there!" he cried.

Cosmo tried to pull away from his grasp.

"Where the hell do you think you're going!" cried Crocker.

"To find Timmy," said Cosmo.

"I've got an air strike coming in there that's gonna nuke the entire area! You stay here and that's an order!"

"I've gotta find Timmy!" screamed Cosmo, finally pulling out of Crocker's grasp and running back into the jungle.

Air strike? Nuke? Whatever the heck _that _meant, it sure didn't sound good.

His running had turned to a forced quick walk by now. He stopped by a tree and panted, trying to catch his breath… oh God, he could hardly breathe! And yet every second wasted could mean the matter of life and death!

"Cosmo…"

Cosmo spun around and there, lying on the ground, was…

"Timmy!" Cosmo gasped in relief. He had found him, finally, finally! He knelt down to pick him up… and noticed the dried leaves that Timmy was clutching to his chest. They were wet and red.

Timmy noticed Cosmo looking at the leaves. "I'm okay, Cosmo…" he said in a terribly weak voice.

Cosmo pulled the leaves off of Timmy's chest and saw, bored into his chest, a hole leaking blood.

"Oh, Timmy…" Cosmo knew that, although he didn't know all that much, that was a pretty serious wound there.

"No, really, I'm alright…" Timmy's eyes fluttered and his limbs shook involuntarily.

Cosmo pulled Timmy up off the ground and, drained though he was, started back on the familiar trek back to the beach.

With each step he seemed to get faster, and faster, all the while the whirring on helicopters and planes above him…

_That must be the air strike! _thought Cosmo.

And when he felt the heat of an explosion not too far from him, he realized what the air strike must do.

So he ran faster.

Finally, somehow, he reached the beach and fell to his knees, still holding Timmy.

"_If I'd have known that this would be the last time I was ever gonna talk to Timmy, I'd have thought of something better to say," recalled Cosmo sadly._

Panting, Cosmo looked straight at Timmy. "Hey… Timmy."

"…Hey Cosmo…. Cosmo? Why did this happen?"

"What, you mean the war, or you getting shot?"

Timmy grimaced in pain and grief. "Both."

"_And then, Timmy said something I'll never forget…"_

"Cosmo?... I wanna go home…"

Cosmo's face crumpled into a grimace too as he watched Timmy's breathing become more and more labored.

"_Timmy was my best friend besides Wanda…" Cosmo remembered, trying to choke back tears, "and even I know that that's not something you can find just lying around! He wanted to be a shrimp boat captain, marry Trixie, and start that whole shrimping empire… but instead, he died right there on that beach in Vietnam."_

O.o.O

(AN: Well… I didn't like this chapter, again, but this time I sorta have an excuse—I'm not used to writing a war story, even just a single war chapter. It's not something I have first-hand knowledge of! (Then again, neither is love, but that hasn't stopped me from writing about it.) So I'm sorry that I pulled off another sucky chapter. I think it should be easier for me to write next chapter though, so let's keep our fingers crossed! Thanks for reading, and see you next chapter!)


	6. With Honor

(AN: I really hate starting off every author's note with the same words… but I apologize for the wait. College is a little more work than I had previously imagined… plus, writer's block and laziness doesn't help much. ; I've had a lot of papers and projects due recently, and in my spare time, I've gotten distracted by things such as The Muppet Show, John Adams, chocolate cake, and vacuuming up dead Japanese beetles in my dorm room. But anyway… thanks for all the reviews! And welcome to the party, Growly Genet, Amras Felagund, MisstressMoonDemon, and C. Anon! I hope you continue reading!

Oh yeah, by the way (just have to mention this), to all of you who were expecting Jorgen to be cast in the Lieutenant Dan role… to be honest, I was originally planning it that way too. I'll admit—Jorgen's my favorite character on this show. (What in the name of my massive biceps…?) And Crocker was going to be the drill sergeant. However, when I thought about it… isn't that what JORGEN is? A drill sergeant? I also realized that Crocker could probably convey more of the raw emotions better than Jorgen could, which is essential to the Lieutenant Dan role. So I swallowed my pride and swapped the roles.

Okay, now on with the chapter.)

O.o.O

"And that's all I have to say about that," finished Cosmo quietly.

"It was a bullet, wasn't it?"

Cosmo spun around. "Huh?" The woman and her child were gone. In their place was a rather portly man in a checkered suit.

"That jumped up and bit you."

"Oh!" Cosmo recalled that, during his narrative, he had mentioned that strange feeling of getting bitten, or so it had seemed. "Yes sir! That's what it was, alright! Right on my fanny!"

The man blinked. "Excuse me?"

Cosmo smiled. "My butt. My behind. My posterior—heeeey! I didn't know I knew that word! Posterior, posterior, pos—"

"Okay, okay, I get it, you were shot in the arse," the man interrupted.

Cosmo blinked. "What's an arse?"

"It's another word for posterior."

"Oh! …What's posterior again?"

"I give up," sighed the man.

"Well, anyway… everyone told me it was million dollar wound, but I still haven't seen one single nickel of that million dollars! Although if I did, I'd name her Philip," smiled Cosmo. "But anyway… My butt hurt, a lot. A WHOLE lot. So I was in this little hospital place for awhile. It wasn't much fun," he recalled. "Every time I tried to walk, I kind of waddled, since my butt was still in so much pain! The only good thing was the ice cream I got! I could eat all the ice cream I wanted! YAY ICE CREAM!"

O.o.O

Sure, being in a hospital was boring. And he couldn't stop thinking about what he could have done differently, what he could have done to save Timmy's life. And, of course, Wanda was permanently etched into his mind… and heart.

But still, Cosmo couldn't deny how much he was enjoying all this free ice cream.

"Mmm, ice cream!" he sang to himself happily as a weary nurse wheeled his bed to the window. Cosmo took a lick off of the ice cream cone in his left hand—the one in his right remained unlicked. "Too bad the only flavor they have is vanilla, though. I would have liked some cheese flavored ice cream!"

The nurse merely sighed at this.

"Hey, Lieutenant Denzel! I got you some ice cream!" said Cosmo with a smile, handing over the ice cream cone in his right hand to Crocker, who was on the bed next to him.

Crocker didn't move. He was turned away from Cosmo, and Cosmo couldn't have known how blank his normally blood-shot eyes were.

"Lieutenant Denzel! Ice cream!" said Cosmo, waving the ice cream around the lieutenant's face.

Crocker listlessly took the ice cream cone and threw it in his chamber pot.

"Eew," said Cosmo, shrugging off his friend's strange behavior and devoting his entire attention on his ice cream cone.

"Time for your bath, Lieutenant," a nurse said to Crocker.

Crocker raised his arms up to grab a small handle hanging off of the ceiling and tried to pull himself up… not with complete success. The nurse helped him. Crocker's legs—that is, what was left of them—dangled uselessly.

Someone had told Cosmo that Lieutenant Denzel's legs had been shot up so badly, they had had to be amputated just below the knees.

Although Cosmo knew what had happened, it still was somewhat of a shock to see Lieutenant Denzel without legs… without being able to move himself without the help of a nurse, without…

"Uh… Smith? Is there someone named Uhsmith here?"

"I'm Cosmo Uhsmith!" cried Cosmo, raising an arm in the air. The man who had called out his name threw a large pack of letters on his bed.

Cosmo grabbed the letters and pulled off the rubber band, rather surprised. His mother wrote him often, but never thirty letters at once. And she was the only one who…

He read the envelope on the first one—it was one of _his _letters to Wanda, with the words RETURN TO SENDER stamped obnoxiously over his painstaking handwriting.

His breathing quickening, Cosmo looked at the next letter. Another RETURN TO SENDER. So was the next one. And the next.

They all were.

O.o.O

Cosmo hadn't spoken all day.

He sat in front of the TV in the common room of the Vietnamese army hospital, staring listlessly at whatever show was playing—whatever it was, it wasn't registering with him. Even if it did… it wouldn't have mattered. Nothing seemed to matter. Nothing would have made him happy, at any rate.

It was bad enough losing Timmy—oh God, he should have gotten to him quicker! He shouldn't have run so fast, he should have stayed with Timmy the whole time. But now, thanks to Cosmo's blatant stupidity, Timmy was dead. Timmy, one of the only people to fully accept him for who he was—was gone. Forever.

And the other person who had accepted him, for all Cosmo knew, had fallen off the face of the earth. Wanda hadn't received a single one of his letters. What could it mean? Did she move? Did she—God forbid—_die? _Or had she just not wanted to read a single word of Cosmo's unintelligible babble and ordered the postman to take them away?

Something suddenly bounced off Cosmo's head.

"Nice catch, Uhsmith!"

Cosmo rubbed his head and turned to the speaker, a man playing ping-pong. Like most of the people at the hospital, he had a fair share of bandages on—one wrapped around his head and a sling on his arm—but that seemed to inhibit his ping pong game not one iota.

"You look like you could use something to do," said the man in a friendly way, holding out a paddle.

Cosmo shook his head. "I really don't feel like it," he mumbled.

The man blinked. "Are you really that happy, slightly insane but still friendly Cosmo Uhsmith that I've heard everyone talk about? Come on. I know the horrors of war just as well as you, but we've got to get our minds off of it somehow. And if you ask me, the best way to do that is to play ping pong. Come on. Have you ever played ping pong before?"

"No," admitted Cosmo.

"Well then, it's a good time to learn." The man slowly made his way back to the ping pong table. Cosmo, giving in, stood up and hobbled his way there as well.

The man handed Cosmo a paddle. "Now, the key to this game is to NEVER take your eye off of the ball, you got that?"

"I think so…" Cosmo suddenly rammed his head onto the ping pong ball, jamming it squarely in his eye. "OUCH!"

"It's a metaphor," muttered the man.

"What's a metaphor?"

"Let me try this again. The key to this game is to always, and I mean ALWAYS, pay attention to the ball." With that, the man served the ball to his playing companion, who shot it back.

Automatically, Cosmo hit the ball back to the other player.

"You see? You can do it," said the ping pong man.

"_I'm not sure why," recalled Cosmo, "but ping pong came real natural to me. After that, I played ping pong all the time… even when I had no one to play ping pong with! I got so good that people came to watch me play. They said it made me look like a duck in water, although I have no idea why. I don't have feathers, I don't say quack, and I wasn't wet! But anyway… I even played ping pong at night!"_

Well, he didn't exactly play at night.

But he slept holding on to his paddle, his mind wandering like it always did… even while he was playing. For somehow, ping pong was his way of trying, in the only way he knew how, to deal with Timmy's death and Wanda's complete absence from his life. And he channeled all of that built up energy—most people would have been surprised to know that Private Uhsmith hoarded as much anger and despair that he did—with every hit of the ball.

Without warning, however, Cosmo suddenly found himself pulled off of his bed and onto the floor. It was Crocker.

"Now, you listen to me, you stupid moron!" snapped Crocker. "We all have a destiny—nothing just happens, it's all part of a plan!"

"Speaking of plans, you should see the original plans for Mama's house! They're—"

"You IDIOT! I don't CARE! Don't you get what I'm trying to SAY to you? I had a DESTINY to die out there in the field! But you RUINED it, you little shit! You RUINED it! You CHEATED me out of my destiny!"

Cosmo didn't know what to say to that… and he didn't know what to do about those tears that were welling up in his eyes. He had messed everything up—Timmy should have lived and Lieutenant Denzel should have died, not the other way around. Only a complete moron like him could have screwed that up!

"I should have died an honorable death out there, serving my country… but you've condemned me to live the rest of my life as some sort of legless freak!"

Trying to be optimistic, Cosmo said, "Well, you've always been a freak… you were already halfway there!"

Grabbing Cosmo by the shirt collar, Crocker pulled him even closer to him. "Do you know what it's like to not be able to use your _legs?_" he hissed.

"Uh, yes sir, I do," said Cosmo.

Crocker gaped at him. "Did you hear what I _said?" _he snapped.

"Huh? Oh, no! I mean no, I don't know!" cried Cosmo. "I thought you asked if I liked cheese."

Crocker let go of Cosmo and feebly flopped down on the ground. "Don't you understand?" he said, with a calmness that, given Crocker's general temperament and the way he had just been freaking out moments ago, perplexed Cosmo. "This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to me. I was… Lieutenant Denzel Crocker!"

Cosmo blinked at Crocker fearfully. "You're… _still… _Lieutenant Denzel."

Crocker sighed, deciding finally to ignore Cosmo's comments. Instead, he pushed himself up to a sitting position, dragging his stumps of legs along with him. He wasn't looking at Cosmo, but Cosmo could still see the pained expression on his face, and could hear with terrible clarity a sentence that would haunt him for years to come.

"What am I going to do now?"

O.o.O

As if Timmy and Wanda hadn't been enough factors weighing him down… now it was this. Cosmo had messed up Lieutenant Denzel's destiny. Thanks to him, Lieutenant Denzel would have to spend his whole life in a wheelchair… when he should have died that honorable death out in the field…

His ping pong playing had become even more intense now, as he bounced the ball back and forth against the wall faster and faster…

"Private Uhsmith?"

Remembering his military training, Cosmo immediately grabbed the ping pong ball, set down his paddle, and stood at attention, yelling, "YES SIR!"

"Uh… as you where."

Cosmo smiled at that, and reached for his paddle, but the corporal stopped him.

"Son… you've been awarded the Medal of Honor."

Cosmo grinned. "Coo-al! Uh… what's that?"

O.o.O

"America owes you a debt of gratitude, son."

Cosmo tried to keep his straight military face as president Lyndon B. Johnson hung that medal that looked like some sort of silly necklace around his neck. People had told him that he'd gotten some huge army honor—and he could hear his mama whispering rather loudly to the people sitting next to her, "That's my little boy!" but still… he felt a little silly.

LBJ extended his hand, and Cosmo shook it. "I understand you were wounded," said the president. "Where were you hit?"

Cosmo grinned. "Right in the butt!"

There were a few mild gasps from the crowd.

LBJ seemed amused, however. "I bet that's a sight. You know…" he pulled in a little closer to Cosmo—Cosmo had never realized just how tall the president was—"I'd kinda like to see that."

Cosmo considered this.

"Okay, if you insist!" he finally said, turning around and pulling down his pants, showing his posterior wound for all to see.

The gasps were now not so mild… in fact, they were shocked.

"Oh my Lord! COSMO!" shrieked Mama Cosma.

LBJ started chuckling. Softly at first, but they grew in magnitude. Snorting with laughter, he managed to walk down through the path between the crowd, laughing, "God damn, son!"

"_After that, Mama said that she needed to lay down for about five years… I still don't know what she meant by that," admitted Cosmo. "But anyway, I thought I'd take that chance to tour the capital! It was fun at first, but I had to stand in line… EVERYWHERE!"_

Cosmo, standing by the White House, raised up his camera to take a picture of it… but a loud woman wearing a jacket with a lot of patches on it suddenly pushed him into a line of a couple of other army men, although none dressed as impeccably as Cosmo was. "Get in, get in!" she cried. "Alright, everyone ready? Okay, let's MOVE!"

The other army men pushed Cosmo ahead, although he was still trying to take his picture.

Cosmo was still so intent on taking pictures, in fact, that he didn't even notice the bus behind them, and the huge banner on it that said "ARMED FORCES AGAINST THE VIETNAM WAR". But even if he had, he probably wouldn't have thought much of it. Just as long as they were taking him someplace that had cheese.

Unfortunately, they took him right behind the Lincoln Memorial, and Cosmo saw no cheese anywhere.

Somebody tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, you're a good man for doing this!" he said.

Cosmo blinked. "Okay… do I get cheese for whatever it is I'm doing?"

"_They took me to some place where a guy wearing an American flag was yelling at this huge crowed of people… and he said the F word. A lot! F this, and F that… I was getting kind of tired of it!"_

Cosmo was trying to make out what the man was saying until he suddenly realized that he was facing him, motioning him up to the microphones. "Come on, man! Come on!"

"Yeah, you!" cried the loud woman, pushing Cosmo up to the platform.

It was a good thing that Cosmo wasn't all that shy, for he had never seen so many people gathered in one place in his life. They seemed to stretch all the way back to the Washington Monument, and many were holding signs that Cosmo didn't understand… signs that said, "SEND OUR TROOPS HOME!" "HEY HEY LBJ HOW MANY KIDS DID YOU KILL TODAY?" "PEACE!" and, the most confusing of all, many signs with some sort of weird circle with a few lines in the middle.

"Tell us about the war, man," said Abbie Hoffman, the man in the flag.

Cosmo gave him a look. Which war? The English Civil War?

"The one in Vietnam?" he asked, hazarding what he hoped was a good guess.

"The war in Viet-fucking-NAM!" hollered Hoffman, the mikes screeching and the crowed cheering.

Cosmo blinked and stared at the crowd, feeling a bit shy for the first time in his life.

"_There was only one thing I could say about the war in Vietnam," admitted Cosmo._

"There's only one thing I can say about the war in Vietnam," admitted Cosmo, surprised by how clearly the microphones projected his voice. "In Vietnam—"

A policeman there suddenly pulled out some of the wires in the stereo equipment.

The loud woman, seeing it, immediately jumped down to him and started beating him up, while some more of her cohorts tried desperately to reassemble the wires, without much success.

As you can imagine, Cosmo's voice suddenly lost that clear projectiveness.

"We can't hear you!" several people cried from the crowd.

Finally, the loud woman put the right wire in the right tab, and the mikes suddenly blared on again.

"—and that's all I have to say about that," Cosmo finished.

There was dead silence.

Hoffman put his arms around Cosmo's shoulder. "Right on, man," he said quietly, sounding as if he were on the verge of tears. "You said it all." He took a few moments to pat Cosmo on the shoulders, clearly emotionally touched. "What's your name, man?" he finally asked.

Speaking into the microphones, Cosmo said, "My name's Cosmo! Cosmo… uh… Smith!"

Hoffman turned to the mikes as well. "Cosmo Uhsmith!" he announced.

The crowd gave a cry of approval.

Cosmo had no clue what had just happened, but all these strange people seemed to like what he had said.

"_Cosmo!"_

Cosmo jerked up to attention, hearing something faint being carried to him on the breeze… he knew what he _thought _it sounded like, but he wasn't about to get his hopes up. But still… it couldn't be…

Way down by the reflecting pool, someone pushed their way through the crowd and started running through the pool, although it seemed difficult in that dress she was in.

Cosmo stared. He could never, ever mistake that swirly pink hair.

"_Wanda!" _he gasped.

And, without waiting any longer, he pushed his way through the throngs of people on the steps up to the Lincoln memorial, down through the people gathered on the grass, through them, into the reflecting pool—it was her! It was, it was, it was—

Finally reaching each other, Cosmo grabbed Wanda and pulled her into a tight hug, swinging her out of the water.

The entire crowd cheered.

"_It was the happiest day of my life," said Cosmo. "Well, _one _of the happiest days of my life. I guess it ranks up there with a bunch of other ones… but let's just say, I was HAPPY! Wanda and I were together again, and she took me to see some of her friends!"_

"Close that window, you way too interesting army guy."

The blinds suddenly shut in Cosmo's face, and he felt his pupils widen as his eyes tried to adjust to the dimly lit room. The guy who shut the blind—a rather square-ish looking man in a business suit, gave Cosmo a scowl.

"I don't see why we let him in here anyway," said another guy, wearing the same gray suit. "He stands out too much with that green hair and army uniform."

"Agreed, HP, but we did allow Juandissimo and his girlfriend in, and Wanda's hair is a shade of pink that is too fun and bright for our order," said the first.

"What… exactly… _is _your order?" Cosmo asked.

"Shall I break it down, Sanderson?" asked HP.

"Oh yes. Break it down," said Sanderson.

"Oh, cut it out guys," said Wanda, stopping HP and Sanderson before they broke into what must have been a very strange rap (it being the 1960's and all). "He doesn't need to know." She shot Cosmo an apologetic look.

The man next to her, a Hispanic guy with muscles and a face and body that women could die for, sneered at Cosmo. "Wanda, _mi amor, _who is your baby-killer friend who is unworthy of your—and especially my—presence?"

Cosmo scowled. He had just met him, and he already knew that he didn't like this guy one bit.

"This is my good friend Cosmo… we grew up together. We were best friends. Cosmo, this is Juandissimo, I met him down in New Mexico—"

"I suppose rapping would be pointless, as it is only the 1960's," said Sanderson, cutting off Wanda.

"Can we talk about this?" Juandissimo snapped to Wanda at the same time Sanderson was talking.

"We might as well just tell you about what we stand for in our usual boring way," said HP as Wanda , irritated, tried to get away from Juandissimo, but he went after her anyway, pointing and accusing her of something… HP and Sanderson were still talking dryly, but Cosmo hardly heard… and then…

Juandissimo SLAPPED Wanda.

HARD.

So hard, in fact, that Wanda fell backwards, almost to the ground.

That DID it.

Cosmo knew that he was charging as fast as he could towards Juandissimo, but everything seemed to slow down… Wanda's falling, Juandissimo's sneering, his own running, HP and Sanderson's continued boring chit-chat…

But once he reached Juandissimo, time seemed to pick up again.

Which was just fine to Cosmo. He _wanted _all the time in the world to punch that jerk's lights out.

"Stop! Stop!" cried Wanda, although she didn't know who exactly she was yelling at—Cosmo or Juandissimo. Because the first thought that was running through her mind was, "Juandissimo, you bastard, you're getting what you deserve." However, knowing that she was in enough trouble as it was, she pulled Cosmo off of Juandissimo. Cosmo's fists stopped swinging instantly.

Juandissimo struggled to his feet, a hand up to his left eye. He glared at Wanda. _"Yo no te habría traído aquí. Supe que lo habría sido un disastre."_

"Oh, speak English, you jerk!" snapped Cosmo.

Shooting one more glare at them through his one good eye, Juandissimo withdrew.

"That was way too interesting for our boring club," said HP dryly. "I'm afraid that you two will have to leave."

Wanda sighed and looked at Cosmo. "Come on, Cosmo," she said.

Cosmo stood up and followed her… because all she ever had to do was ask, and he'd go. He wondered vaguely if she even knew that.

Before leaving, however, he turned and gave a slightly apologetic look to HP and Sanderson. "Sorry for ruining your really boring group," he said.

O.o.O

"He doesn't mean it, he really doesn't."

"Wanda? What are you talking about? How could anyone EVER hurt you? I never could, not even on accident—it sure _looked _like me meant it!" Cosmo was on the verge of tears, although he didn't want Wanda to know. She seemed to push him away whenever he wanted to help her.

Wanda gave Cosmo a very strange look—almost a sad one. "I know you'd never hurt me, Cosmo."

"You deserve _so _much better than him," muttered Cosmo.

Despite herself, Wanda blushed. She had forgotten how much Cosmo made her feel like a princess.

"I will admit, Cosmo… I was almost glad you beat him up. He kind of deserved that."

"There's nothing _kind of _about it," muttered Cosmo. He fixed his gaze upon Wanda, trying not to notice that stinging red area on her face.

He wanted to touch her so bad, but he was afraid to.

They were outside in the cold night air, just walking past the White House. Compared to how things had been that afternoon, it was strangely quiet.

"That uniform is a trip, Cosmo," Wanda finally said, giving him a smile.

"A trip?" Cosmo asked. "You mean like a vacation?"

Wanda laughed. "No, I mean it looks good on you."

There it was again—Wanda thought he looked good! Cosmo could feel himself stand up a bit straighter, puff out his chest a bit more…

Noticing the sudden change of posture, Wanda laughed. "You're so silly, Cosmo." She wrapped her arms around his waist.

"_We spent that whole night just talking and talking," said Cosmo, sounding wistful. "We were like cheese and pudding again! I told her all about Vietnam, and she told me about all the traveling she'd done, and how she found new ways to expand her mind and reach harmony, which must be out west somewhere, because she made it all the way to California!" Sighing almost sadly, he added, "I didn't want it to end."_

But, of course… all good things must come to an end.

And after only being together for one day… Wanda was leaving.

With Juandissimo.

That fact alone made Cosmo's blood boil.

"I wish you'd stay with me," whispered Cosmo to Wanda. It was morning, and they were standing by the bus that would take Wanda back to California—or wherever she was going.

Wanda shook her head. "I have to go, Cosmo…"

"Wanda…"

Hearing Juandissimo's voice, Wanda spun around.

Juandissimo shuffled his feet, searching for words. "Wanda, I do apologize for what I did last night… it's just this war, and Johnson, and all that other crap…" He gave Wanda what was probably intended to be a loving look, but it was hindered by his black eye and, obviously, those cruel intentions that Cosmo was so sure of. "I would never hurt you."

"HELLO!" cried Cosmo. "You already DID hurt her, you moron! And people call _me _dumb!"

Juandissimo glared at Cosmo, his eyes… or at least his right one, as it was hard to tell exactly what the squinted up left one looked like, full of loathing. He gave Cosmo the finger and sulked off to the bus.

Wanda blushed. "I'm sorry about him, Cosmo…"

"Why did he point at me with his middle finger?" Cosmo asked.

Wanda sighed and shook her head. "Cosmo… we live very different lives, you know."

Cosmo winced. Oh great. This was sounding like a good-bye speech.

No matter what he did, no matter how lovingly he treated her, Wanda kept leaving him. Why? What on earth was he doing wrong? Did she really _like _being abused?

Or… more likely, did she just not want to be with an idiot like Cosmo?

Cosmo could feel his eyes well up with tears. Yeah. That was it.

Feeling a sudden impulse take hold, he unhooked his Medal of Honor and handed it to Wanda. "I want you to have this," he said quickly.

Wanda blinked. "Why?"

"I only got it by doing what you told me to do—running," explained Cosmo. "Besides… I just want you to remember me, wherever you go."

Wanda took the medal and traced it with her fingertip. "Why are you so good to me?" she whispered.

"Because I—" Cosmo stopped himself from saying "love you"—he remembered Wanda's reaction the _last _time he had said that. "Because… because… you're my friend. My best friend. My… I… I wanted you to be my girlfriend, you know," he finally blurt out.

"We'll always be best friends, Cosmo," said Wanda, smiling and hugging him tightly.

Cosmo returned the hug, not ever wanting to let go of her—he didn't care what she said, _he loved her! _If he only knew one thing in the entire universe, it was that one fact. And he might never see her again… because sooner or later, she was going to pull away from him and get on that bus…

Wanda pulled away from him, gave him a gentle smile, and walked to the stairs of the bus.

She climbed on and smiled at Cosmo and Cosmo did his best to smile back through his heartbreak.

Then Juandissimo smiled, and it didn't take much effort for Cosmo to send him a fierce look.

And then he turned away, not wanting to watch the bus that Wanda was on leave forever…

_Tap, tap._

Looking up, Cosmo saw Wanda through the back bus window, smiling at him. She waved and, as the bus slowly started down the road, gave her another finger symbol—but it was different from Juandissimo's—it was both her index and middle finger.

Cosmo waved back, feeling numb.

"_And just like that… she was gone. Out of my life again."_

O.o.O

(AN: I can't end a chapter on a happy note, can I? :) I'd like to apologize for the length of this, but since you've waited so long, I hope you won't mind that much. And also, Juandissimo's lines are "I shouldn't have brought you here. I knew it would be a disaster." I hope I got the grammar right. Darn "should" sentence!

And to Trixie21, don't worry, Juandissimo will appear later too. Yes, I sorta put him in both roles! He's not going to be the passed out guy, but he _will _be with Wanda again when she packs up and leaves. So yeah… this ain't the last of him.

I actually like this chapter this time, especially the Crocker scenes. Hope you liked it too! Until next time!)


	7. God Bless

(AN: I would apologize for the wait, but I'm sure you're all used to it by now. Don't have much else to say this time, except that this chapter has a few religious references. I think that the movie does it very nice and subtle, and I've tried to write them that way, so I really hope I don't offend any Christians, Jews, Buddhists, atheists, blah blah blah… If I do offend, then I apologize. That's not my intention. Okay, enough of that. Here's chapter seven!)

O.o.O

Cosmo stretched out comfortably on the park bench. The man in the checked suit was very good company and seemed interested in his story, and Cosmo was enjoying telling it. "I thought the army was going to send me back to Vietnam, but they decided I was better with a paddle than with a gun. Not that I complained," he added, his voice growing a little softer. He quickly brightened up. "They sent me around the country to the wounded veterans and I played ping pong for them! In fact, I was so good they sent me to China to play! People said we were going to have world peace because I played ping pong with some Communist." Cosmo shrugged. "I still don't understand politics sometimes. But anyway, I was famous after that, so I got to go on all these talk shows…"

O.o.O

"Today on the Dick Cavett show we have the army's international ping pong star, Cosmo Uhsmith!"

The intro music played and someone pushed Cosmo on stage, as he was standing backstage saying to himself, "Wow, that's a catchy tune!" Perplexed, he nearly fell into Dick Cavett, who must have been used to things like this, for he shrugged it off and shook Cosmo by the hand.

"Have a seat," Cavett said to Cosmo, who sat down in the only available seat, which was between Cavett and some guy with glasses and long hair who was smoking something.

Cavett introduced them. "Cosmo Uhsmith, meet John Lennon."

John Lennon gave Cosmo a sleepy half-wave of his hand. "Welcome home," he said in his almost creamy accent.

"So, tell us, Mr. Uhsmith," said Cavett, "what was China like?"

Cosmo sat up a little straighter in his chair, remembering. "Everyone told me it would be completely different from America, and I suppose it was… they didn't have any cheese!"

Lennon leaned forward in surprise. "No processed dairy products?"

"That too!" cried Cosmo. "The people don't have much… and I thought there would be monkeys. But no! No monkeys at all!"

"No small furry primates either?" cried Lennon.

Cavett looked shocked as well. "That's hard to imagine," he said.

"Oh, I don't know, it's easy if you try, Dick," said Lennon with a shrug. "I haven't seen any monkeys in over a month, personally." He leaned back slowly and let his eyes wander, clearly lost in thought.

"_A few years later, somebody shot that man, for no reason at all!" cried Cosmo. "I don't understand people sometimes…_"

Later that night, Cosmo finally left the studio, after a long discussion with John Lennon about the dwindling world population of monkeys. It was nice to finally meet someone who felt as much concern for the monkeys as he did. Smiling to himself, he pulled up his coat in a mostly feeble attempt to keep warm from the cold night air.

"They gave _you _a Medal of Honor."

Cosmo froze.

"I'm hearing voices!" he shouted. "Voices that sound a lot like Lieutenant Denzel!"

"Uhsmith, you idiot, it IS me!"

Cosmo spun around. There, on the landing, was a man with long, tangled black hair, a scraggly beard, and somewhat ratty-looking clothing in a wheelchair. It hardly looked like the Lieutenant Denzel that Cosmo knew, but there was no mistaking those glasses, those eyes, and that lack of legs.

"Lieutenant Denzel!" cried Cosmo happily, finally seeing his friend again.

"They gave _you, _an idiot, a moron, a freak who goes on national television and makes a fool out of himself in front of the whole goddamn COUNTRY, the Medal of Honor?"

Cosmo thought about this for a moment. Finally, he conceded, "Well, if you want to put it that way, then yes, sir!"

Crocker wheeled up to Cosmo and tilted his head upwards to glare at him. "Well!" he finally said, in mock playfulness. "Ain't that just perfect? Well, you know what I have to say to that? God _damn _bless America!"

Cosmo blinked. "Isn't that a little contradictory?"

Crocker would have had a snappy comeback to that, but, when he spun his wheels around to adjust his wheelchair, the wheels slid on the ice, and Crocker suddenly found himself skidding out of control down the ramp. His journey ended with a loud crash and clatter of a wheelchair slamming into a row of trashcans.

Cosmo gasped. "Lieutenant Denzel!"

O.o.O

"_Lieutenant Denzel told me that he was in New York living off the government, and since he didn't have legs, he spent his time strengthening his arms!" said Cosmo. "He was all alone though, so I spent the holidays with him."_

Cosmo was sitting in Crocker's small apartment, laughing at the Christmas special on TV. "I love Christmas!" he said happily. "Don't you, Lieutenant Denzel?"

Crocker didn't seem to be listening. "Have you found Jesus yet?" he asked.

Cosmo's eyes grew wide. "Found Jesus? Why, is he lost! OH NO! Lieutenant Denzel! We have to put out one of those lost person ads—"

His panic was interrupted by Crocker's hoarse laugh. "Whenever I go down to the VA, everyone's talking about Jesus. Jesus this, and Jesus this, have you found Jesus yet?"

Cosmo kept silent, realizing that Crocker hadn't been speaking literally… he still wasn't sure what that meant exactly, but whatever it did mean, it seemed to be how Crocker was acting.

"They even had a priest come in one day," said Crocker. He didn't even seem to be talking to Cosmo anymore; his entire attention was focused on the wall. "He told me that God is listening, but I have to help myself." He grabbed a beer bottle and opened it. "And then he said that all I have to do is accept Jesus into my heart, and then I get to walk beside him forever in the kingdom of heaven. Did you hear what I _said?" _Crocker suddenly snapped, throwing the bottle against the wall. He spun around and stared at Cosmo. "_Walk. Walk _beside him in the kingdom of heaven." Crocker rolled his eyes. "That's kind of out of the question, ain't it? As if God's ever done anything for me… I lost my legs, I still haven't found any FAIRY GOD PARENTS!, I'm living in some shitty apartment…"

Cosmo timidly spoke up. "_I'm _going to heaven, Lieutenant Denzel," he said meekly. "That is, if I don't get lost along the way… I hope there's road signs."

Crocker grinned painfully. "Well, before you get there, hows about going out and getting me some more beer?"

"Yes sir," Cosmo dutifully obeyed.

O.o.O

Soon, New Year's Eve rolled around, and there was only one place Crocker wanted to go and celebrate—the bar. Cosmo was getting a little sick of beer by this time, so he ordered a soda, despite Crocker's loud chuckles.

Crocker was laughing even harder at the next thing Cosmo said, however.

"Once I leave the service, I'm going down to the Gulf of Mexico to start a shrimping business!" cried Cosmo over the roar of the bar. "I promised Timmy that we'd start one together, and our grandkids would carry on the tradition, but since he's dead I'll have to do it by myself… and of course, we won't have grandchildren to pass the company to…"

Crocker couldn't believe his ears. "You, the dimmest bulb to ever illuminate the army, are going to start a shrimping business?"

"Sure! I hope I start liking shrimp, though. It's never been one of my favorites…"

"Look, Gilligan, the day you become a shrimp boat captain, that's the day I'm your first mate!" said Crocker, laughing heartily.

"Good!" cried Cosmo. "I need a first mate real bad!"

Crocker opened his mouth to say something, but two giggly girls ran up to him and threw their arms around his shoulders, halting his speech.

"Hey Denzel," cooed one of them, who had blue hair and eyes.

"We haven't seen you for awhile, sweetie," said the other one, who had purple hair and eyes, in a too-sweet voice.

"I've had company," grunted Crocker. "Uhsmith, meet the lovely Star and Twinkle. Why does everyone I know have a strange hair color? If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was surrounded by FAIRY GOD PARENTS!" Crocker spazzed in his wheelchair.

"Charmed, I'm sure!" giggled Star, the purple-haired girl. Twinkle tittered in an annoying way as well.

"You're sure you're charmed?" asked Cosmo, blinking.

Twinkle suddenly gasped and pointed up to the TV. "Ooh! Ooh! We were just there! Times Square!" Her smiled faded as she gazed at the scene on the TV. "Isn't New Years great? Everyone gets a chance to start over… a second chance…"

"Or a third, or a fourth," Cosmo added.

"_It's funny," Cosmo recalled, "—actually, it probably either isn't funny or unexpected—but all I could think of right then was Wanda, and wondering where she was…"_

O.o.O

Cosmo didn't know where Wanda was, which was probably a good thing. For at that very moment, Wanda was gathering up her belongs from her druggie boyfriend's—or at least one of her boyfriends—house.

She leaned down and looked at herself in the dirty mirror, scowling a bit at her appearance—too much makeup, hair that made her look like a frizzled prostitute, dark circles under the eyes…

_No denying it, _she thought to herself. _I'm downright ugly._

_And whose fault is that? _

_I know. My own. But I don't care. No one else does; why should I?_

Recognizing the thoughts she was having as self-derogatory, Wanda shook her head as if to push them out of her head, spun around, and without looking back at the mirror, left the room, not even bothering to watch the TV…

"Eight… seven… six… five…"

O.o.O

Meanwhile, back in New York, everyone in the bar was counting along with the clock.

"…four… three… two… one…"

Everyone cheered when they saw the ball on the television screen fall and illuminate the "1972" sign. Cosmo laughed happily.

"Yay! It's a new year! I hope I remember this time. I still think it's 1961!"

"Uhsmith…" Crocker rolled his eyes.

Star and Twinkle just giggled at Cosmo, however. "So what now, Babycakes?" Star asked Crocker. "Got any, ahem, special plans for us tonight?"

Crocker grinned. "I sure do!"

"What are your plans?" Cosmo asked innocently.

O.o.O

The plans weren't exactly what Cosmo would have called fun.

He sat in a chair, blinking, wondering what could possibly be fun about turning up the record player really loud, smoke so many cigarettes that you could hardly see through all the smoke, and have a girl sit on your lap and kiss you like crazy?

Because that's exactly where Star was—sitting on Crocker's lap and kissing him passionately, throwing off her shirt, throwing off his shirt…

The warning signals finally flared up in Cosmo, but he had no time to react. In a heartbeat, Twinkle was sitting on _his _lap, kissing him as though she was looking for something she had lost in his mouth.

Cosmo froze for a moment. This… was… _disgusting! _Why was she doing this? He hardly even knew her? Wasn't a kiss supposed to be shared between two people who loved each other? And wasn't a kiss supposed to feel _good? _

He didn't like her. At all.

And he most certainly did not like her kissing him.

And so, he really had no choice but to push her off of him, now did he?

He didn't do it very hard. Although she was being pushy and annoying, he didn't want to hurt her. So, as gently as he could while still getting her off, he pressed his arms against her breasts (not where he wanted to put his hands, but there was really no other place) and shoved her away—

"Jeez! What's wrong with you?" screeched Twinkle—so high-pitched that Cosmo had to cover his ears.

"Uh…" Cosmo started.

Star, still perched on top of Crocker, giggled. "Whatsa matter, is your friend stupid or something?"

"What did you say?" Crocker growled.

"I said, is your friend stupid or something?" repeated Star, still giggling.

To Cosmo's surprise, Crocker pushed Star off of him, even more forcefully than Cosmo had pushed Twinkle. "Don't you _ever _call him stupid! Get out of here!"

"I think I will, you freak!" cried Star, grabbing her clothes and storming out the door, Twinkle right behind her. "You guys are losers anyway!"

"Get lost!" cried Crocker, flailing his arms at them… causing him to fall out of his chair.

Star and Twinkle laughed rudely at this, and, with one passing "Jerk!" they both left the apartment, slamming the door behind them.

Cosmo stood up, feeling a little guilty for driving Lieutenant Denzel's friends away. He knelt down on the ground and offered a hand to Crocker; Crocker shooed him away.

"No… I can get up…"

And to Cosmo's surprise, Crocker did. With all of that built up strength in his arms, Crocker was able to sit up, scoot himself over to his wheelchair, and even pull himself into it. Sighing, he wheeled himself to the window and gazed out of it, avoiding Cosmo's eyes entirely.

Feeling ashamed, Cosmo said, in a guarded, hushed tone of voice, "I'm sorry for ruining your special plans, Lieutenant Denzel… but… she tasted like cigarettes," he finally said, a bit lamely.

Crocker remained silent.

"_I thought it was so strange," said Cosmo thoughtfully, reflecting back on the incident, "that Lieutenant Denzel got so angry when she called me stupid. I mean, he called me a moron all the time! But I suppose… I suppose he realized right then that it hurts when someone makes fun of you, and he just wanted to make sure no one ever called me stupid… he realized that I don't like it when people call me stupid. Just like he doesn't like it when people call him crippled."_

Crocker finally spoke, in a short, rough voice.

"Happy New Year, Uhsmith."

O.o.O

(AN: Perfect timing for a seasonal chapter, donjathink? A few little things I want to say here at the end—I don't recall which of Mama Cosma's potential robot wives for Cosmo was Star and which one was Twinkle, although the purple-haired one had a star on her shirt, so I went ahead and said that one was Star.

Also, I'm having a real struggle with typing the entire movie word for word here. (What can I say, I guess I've seen this movie too many times!) Some lines need to be put in word for word, but not the entire fanfic. That would be A. ridiculous, and B. plagiarism. So I'm trying to change some lines around. I really am. It's just that the dialogue in the movie is so perfect… (Rather unrelated note—John Lennon's few lines were so much fun to write!)

This chapter was another hard one to churn out. All of my brainstorms for this story are in later chapters—yes, Cosmo and Wanda fluff. Duh! Remember who's writing this! Unfortunately, that's not for awhile yet. Oh yes, and to those of you who are wondering, I would guess we're about halfway through the fanfic now, because I'm about halfway through the DVD. (I watch the corresponding scene before writing each chapter.)

This author's note is way too long. Sorry. Review if you liked the chapter, review if you didn't like, and see you next chapter if you decide to stick around. :) )


	8. Broken Wings

(AN: Do you know that, when I re-read this story, I think of characters I could have used from the FOP universe rather than the actual Forrest Gump characters. I wanna smack myself! Oh well. Hmm… normally this is the place where I apologize for the wait, but I'm sure you're all used to it. Actually, I've got some great news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance… wait, wrong news. (laughs) Seriously though, I finished one of my stories on here, which means I have only two that need updating. Thus, updates on both of them should hopefully be quicker. Party, everyone!

(cough) Here's chapter eight, and thanks again for all the reviews. You have no idea how much I appreciate each and every one of them.)

O.o.O

Thinking about the next chapter of his saga, Cosmo smiled to himself, opened up his briefcase, and pulled out a very well-worn ping pong paddle. He twirled it in his hand skillfully as he turned back to his companion. "The army kept sending me places to play ping pong, so much in fact that I even got a special services award from the army that the president handed out in the Capital." Cosmo suddenly sounded a bit bored. "So I went… again… and I met the president of the United States, again…"

O.o.O

But this time, a different man was president of the United States, as Cosmo soon discovered. He was shorter, his face was droopier.

"Are you enjoying your stay in our nation's capital, young man?" Richard Nixon asked Cosmo as he shook his hand.

Cosmo shrugged. "I suppose so…" He quickly figured that telling the president that his own city was nice and all that, but three times is maybe a bit too many to visit, would not be very well-mannered.

"That didn't sound very enthusiastic," said Nixon. "Where are you staying?"

"Holiday Inn! Where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's okay, they're clean!" Cosmo sounded ecstatic.

"Oh, no no no, I know of a much nicer hotel," said Nixon, cutting Cosmo off. "It's brand new. I'll have my people take care of it for you."

O.o.O

Cosmo had to agree, this new hotel was a very nice one. However, some of the guests apparently didn't have sleeping in mind.

"There's some people in the room across from me, probably the fourth or fifth floor, and the lights are out and they're shining flashlights all over… and they're keeping me awake! Could you go help them get their lights on or something?" Cosmo pleaded to the hotel front desk over the phone.

"We'll look into it," said the voice on the other end.

"Thank you!" said Cosmo, sounding relieved, as he set the phone down and, deciding that he wanted to doodle something, pulled a piece of paper out of the desk drawer, with "Watergate Hotel" inscribed on the top.

O.o.O

"Therefore, I will resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow…"

It was two years later but not much had changed with Cosmo—he was still in the army, playing ping pong. In fact, that's where he was when Nixon made his fateful resignation message, not even watching the TV, just sending his ping pong ball back and forth against the wall, like always, pretending that the wall was Juandissimo's face… hey, it certainly improved his game when he did that!

Cosmo suddenly became aware of the fact that an army general was standing right next to him.

"Private Uhsmith!"

Slamming the ping pong ball and paddle down, Cosmo stood at attention and hollered, "YES SIR!"

"As you were."

Cosmo immediately relaxed, but refrained from picking up his paddle. He had long since learned that if a general interrupted him, it was usually because he had something important to tell him.

But to Cosmo's surprise, the general didn't say anything (at first)—he just handed Cosmo an envelope. "Here are your discharge papers. Your service is up, son." He turned and headed for the door.

"I… I can go home now?" Cosmo asked incredulously.

"You sure can."

"Does this mean I can't play ping pong anymore?"

"For the army, it does."

As if in a trance, Cosmo opened up the envelope, but hardly read the papers. He knew what it was about anyway… and he couldn't be happier.

Picking up his paddle and ball, he walked… then power-walked… then ran… then sprinted to the door.

He was going home.

O.o.O

And in a few hours, he _was _home, running across that familiar lawn to his house, his comfort, his mama…

"I'm home, Mama!" he shouted at the top of his lungs as he tore open the gate and sprinted to the front door.

In a nanosecond, Mama Cosmo was out the door, on the lawn, and crushing Cosmo in a hug. "Oh, my dear little Cosmo-lolo! You're back to me safe, unharmed, and single! You've made your mama very happy, did you know that? I'll go and make some "I rather dislike Wanda" cookies to celebrate!"

Cosmo, although happy to be home, fidgeted a bit at that. "Mama, I'd rather have some cheese cookies… please?"

"Normally I would object to your blatant unconcealed desire of Wanda, but since you're back after all this time I don't care! Cheese cookies it is, sweetheart!"

Cosma grabbed one of Cosmo's bags with one arm and took Cosmo's arm with her _other _arm. "Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you," she said. "A few weeks ago we had this man come to the front door… a manufacturer of ping pong paddles." By this time mother and son were inside, and Cosmo had to stop to gape at all the ping pong merchandise that was in the entrance hallway. Cosma continued, "He promised to pay us twenty-five thousand dollars if you'd agree to using his paddles. I said yes, of course—"

"But Mama," protested Cosmo, "I like my own paddle!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out his trusty well-worn paddle.

"Come now, Cosmo," said Cosma. "It's twenty-five thousand dollars! I'm sure you could get used to a new one if it means that kind of money!"

Cosmo pouted. "Aw, Mama, I don't know…"

Apparently Cosmo inherited his pouting ability from his mother, for Cosma's lower lip jutted out and her eyes grew wide with tears. "My own son… so ungrateful to his poor mother… even after all this time you've been gone… after all I've done for you throughout the years… you won't consent to my one, insignificant request… all I'm asking is that you use a different paddle…"

"Aaw, but Mama—!" Cosmo began.

Cosma's lip quivered for a second or two… and then she started bawling.

"Oh, alright, alright!" cried Cosmo. "I'll use it!"

O.o.O

"_Actually," recalled Cosmo, "it was a good idea that I decided to use it. I got the money—well, about half of it, Mama wanted the rest—and with that money—well, what was left of it; I bought a cheese sandwich and a new suit and a haircut and a little plush monkey—I went down south to start shrimping! I made Timmy a promise and now that I had money, I was going to do it! First I stopped in to talk to his family…"_

Cosmo had met a lot of strange people in his travels… but Timmy's parents almost took the cake.

"We'd love to stay and talk, strange little green-haired man, but we have to go play bingo!" Mrs. Turner said to Cosmo as she and her husband were walking out the door.

"But all I wanted to tell you is that I made a promise to your son that I'd start up a shrimping business with him, but since he's dead I have to do it myself. We were gonna blow all the competition out of the water, but now I have to do it alone."

"Heeeyyyy!" cried Mr. Turner. "You know, if you in the name of my dearly loved and sorely missed son made a profitable business, then I would finally have something to rub in Dinkleburg's face!" He suddenly scowled. "Dinkleburg…" he growled fiercely.

"_They left really soon," said Cosmo, "but that was fine with me. I still had to pay my respects to Timmy."_

"Hey, Timmy!" said Cosmo, trying to sound cheerful, as he looked at the grave in the churchyard—TIMOTHY THOMAS TURNER, JUNE 8, 1945-AUGUST 25, 1967 stamped on the grave, flowers and American flags flanking it. "Well, I remembered what you and I talked about, so I went and bought me a shrimping boat…"

O.o.O

"It's beautiful," Cosmo whispered, gazing lovingly at the dilapidated boat. He turned to the old man selling it. "I'll take it!" He deposited most of the rest of his money in the man's hands.

The man blinked at stared. "Are you stupid or something?" he finally asked.

"No, I'm just in love with your boat," said Cosmo in a dream-like voice.

O.o.O

"…and I'll be starting out tomorrow." Cosmo took a deep breath, trying to remember what else he was gonna say. "So… so there it is. If I see Trixie Tang—whatever she looks like—and she really likes me because I'm a shrimper, then I'll tell her that it was your idea and maybe she'll like you… even though you're dead."

Sighing again, Cosmo placed a single daisy on Timmy's grave, then turned around, willing himself to not look back. The past was a terrible thing, and Cosmo had other things to focus on.

He was going to go out fishing for shrimp.

O.o.O

Being out on the ocean in his beautiful (at least in his eyes) boat was an exhilarating experience for Cosmo. He had never imagined how free one felt out on the sea, breathing the fresh air, throwing out the nets and trying to catch some shrimp…

"Trying"—_that_ was the key word.

Cosmo admitted right up front that he knew next to nothing about shrimping. True, Timmy had told him all that he knew—which wasn't that much either, actually. And he _had _bought that "Shrimping for Dummies" book. But still…

"I only caught five," he lamented to the old man at the end of the day.

The man laughed. "Atta boy! You can make yourself a cocktail with that!" He chuckled and made his way to his car. Glancing at Cosmo's broken-down boat, however, he turned back to the green-haired mariner. "Maybe your problem is that you haven't given your boat a name. Don't you know it's bad luck to have a boat without a name?"

Cosmo looked at his boat. "What do you name a boat?" he asked, having never given that matter any serious thought before.

The man laughed. "In your case, a name like 'Garbage' comes to mind—"

Cosmo scowled. "My boat's beautiful! You're just jealous!"

"Alright, alright! Lots of people give their boats poetic type names… like 'Blue Horizons', 'Starlight Starbright', 'Restless Wanderer'…"

Cosmo could feel himself blush. "I'm not really very poetic," he admitted. "In fact, I'm really stupid. I could never come up with a pretty name!"

The man shrugged. "Well, some guys like you name their boats after their wives or girlfriends. I hear the ladies find that quite an honor to have a boat named after them… with a boat like yours I wouldn't swear to it however…"

But Cosmo had ceased to listen. He stared, open-mouthed, at his boat, marveling at why he hadn't thought of that before. _"Wanda!" _he breathed to himself. "A beautiful name for a beautiful boat!"

"There ya go." The man smiled at Cosmo and left the dock.

_Cosmo's voice grew softer. "It was the perfect name for my boat, because Wanda was the only thing in the whole wide world that was more beautiful than my boat! It had been years since I'd seen her, but I still thought about her all the time… wondering where she was…"_

O.o.O

Cosmo, since he had last seen Wanda, had had an almost complete life upheaval, going from the army's international ping pong star to a down-on-his-luck shrimp boat captain. But Wanda's life had remained nearly the same. Different boyfriend, different drugs; both worse than the last time.

This time, Wanda hardly noticed that her boyfriend had passed out on the bed—he could have been doing a song-and-dance number and Wanda still would have wanted _out of there. _She couldn't stand being with him. She couldn't stand being with herself. She just wanted to break free. Free from this whole damn world.

And she could do anything if she wanted to.

She flung open the door to the balcony and climbed up on the railing, looking down at all the cars driving below, four stories down. Idiotic people. All in a hurry to go to work. Selling their lives so they could make money to send their kids to college so they could get jobs so they could make money to send their kids to college… didn't they see how terrible it was? You work your butt off your whole life, and then you die.

But not Wanda. Wanda was different. She knew it, in the most confused, clear way she'd ever known. She was different. She had always wanted to fly, and now she could. She could fly away to heaven.

She stood on the railing, holding on to the overhang on the roof, but only just long enough to get her bearings… yes, she would fly. She would fly away from everything terrible in the world, because she could. She could do anything.

One foot slid off the railing.

And Wanda, finally coming back to earth, gripped the overhang tighter, pulled her foot back, and climbed back down to the floor of the balcony, sitting on a chair, gripping her knees, crying, crying, crying…

She couldn't fly. What was she _thinking? _She never could. If she had been able to, she would have flown away long ago. When she was a child. God would have turned her into a bird like she asked.

But she wasn't a bird, she could never _be _a bird, she was just a pathetic human being, a pathetic, messed-up person who probably _should _have jumped off—the world would be a much better place without her…

Wanda raised her eyes and stared at the moon, letting it be witness to her shaky tears.

O.o.O

Cosmo gazed at that same moon that night, thinking of her.

And he, too, wished that he could fly. He wished he could fly away.

Fly away and find her again.

O.o.O

He was still thinking of her the next day, silently steering his boat through the calm shore waters.

It was stupid to keep dwelling on thoughts of her, Cosmo sadly thought to himself. When was the last time he had seen her? 1967? 1968? Sometime around there, and what year was it now? 1974… that was quite a long time. She had been right, of course; their lives were so different. It hurt too much to think of her. Cosmo knew he should just give up. He'd probably never see her again anyway.

But that was the problem—he _couldn't _stop thinking of her. He'd probably still be thinking of her when he was dead and every other part of his body had stopped working.

No, she was in California and would very likely stay there forever. And he was on his shrimp boat down in the Gulf of Mexico, on a fruitless search for shrimp, Lieutenant Denzel was sitting on the dock…

Lieutenant Denzel?

Cosmo blinked; rubbed his eyes; looked again; no doubt about it, that _was _Lieutenant Denzel sitting on the dock! Waving like the happy idiot he was, Cosmo laughed and… jumped off the boat.

Crocker had at first returned the smile, but seeing Uhsmith's next action, he merely rolled his eyes and sighed to himself.

In mere moments, a soaking wet Cosmo climbed up the ladder and ran up to his old friend. "Lieutenant Denzel! What are you doing here?"

Crocker, to Cosmo's surprise, shot a grin back. "Would you believe that I'm out hunting for FAIRY GOD PARENTS?" he asked, doing his trademark convulsions on the words of the ever-elusive creatures.

"Yeah," said Cosmo.

"Me too, which is why I'm surprised that I'm not!" Crocker chortled at his own joke. "Well, anyway… I'm actually here to try out my sea legs."

Cosmo cocked his head at Crocker like a confused puppy. "But you don't have any legs, Lieutenant Denzel."

For an instant, it looked like Crocker was a few seconds away from throwing something at Cosmo. But the moment left as quickly as it came, leaving Crocker to just say, rather sarcastically, "Yes, Uhsmith, I KNOW!"

Crocker reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter. "You wrote me a letter, you idiot. Saying that you were a shrimp boat captain. And if you remember, I told you that if you were ever a shrimp boat captain, I'd be your first mate. Well, I honestly didn't expect you to actually go through with it, but I am a man of my word… usually." He shot a quick glare at Cosmo. "But don't you think that I'm going to start calling you 'sir'."

"No, sir," said Cosmo quickly, shaking his head.

Those words had scarcely left Cosmo's lips when his boat, having floated on unguided this whole time, crashed into the adjoining dock with a deafening splinter of wood.

Cosmo and Crocker both winced.

Jerking his thumb to the damage, Cosmo said sheepishly, "…That's my boat."

O.o.O

"_I was real lucky to have someone as smart as Lieutenant Denzel help me with my shrimping!" recalled Cosmo. "He always made great executive decisions about where we would get our shrimp…"_

"I have an intuition!"

Crocker, perched on the mast of the boat, pointed to his left. "I have an intuition that if we head due east we'll find some shrimp!" he hollered to Cosmo, who was at the wheel. "So take a left!"

Cosmo, of course, turned right.

"I said LEFT! Your OTHER left!"

"Oh!" cried Cosmo. "My other left! Why didn't you say so?" He turned the ship in the appropriate direction.

"That's where we'll find those shrimp!" cried Crocker confidently.

O.o.O

"This doesn't look like shrimp," said Cosmo dubiously. "It looks like a few dirty seashells, an old boot, and a toilet seat."

"Okay, so I was wrong," muttered Crocker. "But I'm still giving you—A SUPER F!"

"You're not a teacher anymore, Lieutenant Denzel!" Cosmo reminded his friend.

"Oh… right…"

Cosmo sighed and sat on the railing of the boat. "How are we going to keep this up if we never find any shrimp?"

"Well," snapped Crocker, "maybe you should just _pray _for shrimp."

"_So I went to church every Sunday," said Cosmo; "I even joined the choir! Sometimes Lieutenant Denzel came too, although I think he left the praying up to me. But… I guess it wasn't enough, because we STILL weren't getting any shrimp."_

Cosmo opened the nets, revealing a watered-down side of a cardboard box, a vinyl 45 with a big crack down the middle, and a McDonald's Happy Meal bag.

Crocker, seeing the booty for the day, rolled his eyes and threw his arms up in despair. "Where the hell's this God of yours?" he demanded.

It seemed that he was preparing to complain some more, but right at that time, a powerful gust of wind tore out from the evening sky.

"_It's funny that he said that," said Cosmo, "because right then, God showed up—with a vengeance!"_

God—also known in some cases as a hurricane.

Cosmo was in a panic—he had only skimmed the chapter in "Shrimping for Dummies" on what to do in case of hurricane; besides, he didn't know some of the words used in the book. As the ferocious waves crashed against the boat, Cosmo tried to run through everything in his mind—but the only thought was, "AAAAAHHHH! HURRICANE!"

"_I've never been so scared in my life!" cried Cosmo, sounding horrified. "But Lieutenant Denzel… he was MAD!"_

Mad in the sense of crazy, of course.

"BLOW, YOU SON OF A BITCH, BLOW!" Crocker screamed to the storm—and the power behind it—still perched on top of the mast. "IS THIS ALL YOU GOT? IT'S TIME FOR A SHOWDOWN—YOU AND ME! YOU CALL THIS A STORM? YOU'LL—NEVER—SINK—THIS—BOAT! HA HA!" Crocker made an offensive hand gesture defiantly.

O.o.O

The next day, a national news crew was on the sight.

"Last night Hurricane Carmen ripped through the Gulf Coast, decimating everything in its path," said a newsman to the camera. "This area of the coast, which was mainly a shrimping port, will likely feel a blow! In fact, according to witnesses this reporter has asked, only one boat survived!"

Three guesses which boat it was.

O.o.O

"After that, shrimping was easy!" said Cosmo happily to the man in the checkered suit. "And since the competition was literally blown out of the water, and we were the only boat left, but people still wanted their shrimp—Timmy Uhsmith Shrimp Company is what they got! We've got a whole line of boats—twelve Wandas—stocks, and lots and lots of MONEY!"

"Hold it." The man held up his hand to silence Cosmo. "You're telling me that you're the owner of the Timmy Uhsmith Shrimp Company?"

Cosmo grinned and nodded. "Yes sir! We've got more money than Uncle Scrooge!"

The man laughed as if Cosmo had just told a hilarious joke. "Boy oh boy, I've heard some whoppers in my time, but that one takes the cake!" Still laughing, he stood up to walk away, but made a parting remark to the old lady who had been sitting on the other side of him—"All this time we were sitting next to a millionaire!" His laughter could be heard long after he was out of sight.

The old lady scooted closer to Cosmo. "I think it's a lovely story," she said in a maternal way. "And you tell it with such enthusiasm!"

"Yay!" cried Cosmo happily. "Uh… what does enthusiasm mean?"

The lady chose to ignore Cosmo's small vocabulary. "Do you have a picture of your Lieutenant Denzel?"

"I sure do!" Cosmo unlocked his briefcase again and pulled out an issue of FORTUNE magazine, he and his legless friend smiling on the cover, hoards of shrimp behind them. "And let me tell you something else about Lieutenant Denzel, something that will probably require a flashback and make this horribly long chapter even longer!"

O.o.O

It was evening on the Wanda One.

Cosmo was counting up the shrimp intake for the day—a hard task for a man who could only accurately count up to seven—when Crocker, sitting on the edge of the boat, said quite suddenly, "Cosmo… I never did thank you for… saving my life."

Cosmo turned and stared at Crocker, surprised that he called him by his first rather than his last name, and also the calm seriousness his voice took on. Realizing Cosmo's confusion, Crocker smiled at him; then, as if taken by a sudden impulse, swung his leg stumps away from the boat, and jumped off.

"Whoa!" cried Cosmo, rushing to the edge and peering over, wondering what on earth had taken Lieutenant Denzel over.

He wasn't drowning. He didn't look like he was attempting suicide either.

Instead, Crocker was, with his arms, swimming in the golden sunset water, his eyes closed and his mouth smiling in an expression of pure peace.

"_He never said anything… but I think he found his peace with God that day," said Cosmo thoughtfully. "Either that or he just felt like swimming. It's hard to tell. Did I just ruin that moment?"_

O.o.O

A few days later, it was lunchtime on the Wanda One.

The walkie-talkie buzzed, and Crocker, pausing from his cheese enchilada (it had been Cosmo's turn to choose lunch), answered. "This is Wanda One."

"There's an urgent phone call for Mr. Uhsmith," said the voice on the other end.

"How urgent is it?" asked Crocker irritably. "He's in the middle of a cheese enchilada."

"His mama's sick."

"_What?" _gasped Cosmo.

Abandoning his enchilada, Cosmo dove off the Wanda One, swimming frantically to shore.

O.o.O

And soon, he was tearing his way through the gate, through the front door, and up to his mama's room.

"Oh, Cosmo, you're here! I knew my little boy would come." Cosma's voice was its usual overbearing affectionate self, but it was weak, shaky. Cosmo gulped.

The creepy doctor with her sighed. "I _said _no visitors. Oh well, there's nothing more to be done today. I'll be back tomorrow, Mrs. Uhsmith."

"You do that, Dr. Bender," said Cosma.

Making his way past Cosmo and to the door, Dr. Bender paused to inspect Cosmo. "My, what lovely teeth you have!" he said with a creepy, evil smile.

"Uh… all the better to eat you with?" said Cosmo.

"Sure, whatever," Dr. Bender shrugged. Soon he was gone from the room.

Cosmo immediately plopped down in the chair that Dr. Bender had been sitting in. "What's wrong, Mama? Did you catch ammonia?"

"Pneumonia," corrected Cosma.

"Oh no!" cried Cosmo. "Even worse!"

"No, no," snapped Cosma. "I'm just sick… I'm dying, Cosmo, there's no point denying it." Pouting, she turned and looked out the window.

Cosmo felt his throat contract. "Mama… Mama, you can't die. You just… you can't leave me, Mama!"

"There's nothing I can do about it," said Cosma irritably. "Which… which is why I've just decided to accept it."

_That _surprised Cosmo. He knew his mother just as well as he knew Wanda and Lieutenant Denzel—and that was _very _well. And though he might not know much, he knew that his mama wasn't one to give in like that, even to things that she had no control over.

"Why?" Cosmo asked, his voice hardly above a whisper.

"It's just my time," shrugged Cosma. "It has to happen to everyone sometime. I guess it was destined for me to go now."

Destiny. There was that word again. Cosmo gulped. He still had no clue about destiny—he knew that he had messed up Lieutenant Denzel's (although it seemed he was creating a new one for himself) and completely destroyed Timmy's, but still…

"Mama… what is destiny?"

"Destiny?" Cosma cocked an eyebrow at her son. "It's when you're old and on your deathbed, and you look back and think, 'Now what did I do with my life and where did it lead me?' That's destiny."

"Is it set in stone?" asked Cosmo.

Cosma shrugged. "I think you create your own destiny. We're all just floating along on the breeze, trying to do the best with what we have." Cosma closed her eyes in contemplation. "I guess… I guess I was destined to be your mama." She opened her eyes and smiled at Cosmo. "I know now that I wasn't always the best mama to you…"

"You did good, Mama," Cosmo managed to choke out, tears running down his face.

"I've always loved you, my little Cosmo-lolo. I always will. Even… even if you do something utterly stupid, like go with that awful Wanda girl."

Cosmo felt his hand shake as he took his mama's hand in his own. "I love you too, Mama."

O.o.O

(AN: Wow, that last scene was hard. How can you make Mama Cosma likable? I hope I did okay…

I'm sorry that this chapter is so insanely long. But really, there was no place before now to cut it off. What can I say, the movie just picks up and doesn't leave many chances for bathroom breaks. (laughs) Oh yes, and the Wanda scene in this chapter? With that particular scene in the movie, it's rather open to interpretation. My brother thinks that Jenny's just plain suicidal, while I think she's taken too much LSD (which, if taken in large doses, can implant false beliefs, such as thinking one can fly). I went with my take on it, obviously, although I do admit it can be seen another way too.

If anyone caught the lyric from a Weird Al song in here, then… you win the white carnation. (And if anyone caught the white carnation reference, then you win two white carnations.)

See you next chapter, which is the Cosmo/Wanda moment that you—and I—have been waiting for!)


	9. The Wingless Angel

(AN: This is actually a very short section of the movie, but it's very important—and it's the main reason why I wanted to write this fanfic in the first place. What can I say, once a Cosmo/Wanda nut, always a Cosmo/Wanda nut! So, again, we have a veeeeerrrry long chapter. I've gathered that you guys don't mind that, however. ;p

Some parts in this chapter—and the whole story, for that matter—are definitely not for a younger reader, I will admit. In fact, if I were writing this as an original story, I would probably rate it R (M, whatever…). I'm probably paranoid, but there you go. Still, this is quite a level up from all my other PG-13 (T, yeah, I know) stories. But as the movie is rated PG-13, and I'm trying to not get anything too much worse in this fanfic… I think I should be okay. I hope.

Here's chapter nine, dedicated to all you Cosmo/Wanda nuts out there. You know who you are. ;) )

O.o.O

"…And that's all I have to say about that," Cosmo finished, taking a shaky breath after finishing his tale about his mama.

The woman next to him was dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. "Oh, you poor dear," she moaned sadly.

Cosmo shrugged it off. "Well, anyway, I didn't go back to shrimping after that. Lieutenant Denzel told me that he could manage things by himself, and besides, the people in my hometown offered me a really fine job, since I was a war hero and ping pong star and shrimping tycoon and all that. I got to mow the grass! And oh boy, was it ever fun!" Cosmo laughed. "And not too long afterwards, Lieutenant Denzel wrote me and said he invested in some sort of fruit company, and said that we didn't have to worry about money anymore! Which is good, you know! I never was very good in my college finances class," Cosmo admitted. "But anyway…"

O.o.O

"…_Mama always said that there's only so much money a man needs—the rest he should give to his mama. Well, since Mama was dead now, I had to give all my extra money to other things, like hospitals and churches and stuff. And since I was a gazillionaire, and felt bad for taking money for my mowing job, I mowed it for free!"_

"La la la, cutting the grass, CUTTING THE GRASS!" Cosmo sang at the top of his lungs, perched on his rider mower, cutting crazy patterns in the lawn.

Two passerbies watched the crazy man at work. "I thought you said one of the owners of the Timmy Uhsmith company worked here!" one snapped to the other.

"He's probably around here somewhere," said the other, looking confused.

"_Life got lonely, though," Cosmo admitted. "I had Mama's big house all to myself, which was good for some things—like roller-skating through the hallways—but with no one but my plush monkey to talk to, I sometimes went a little crazy! So then I bought a dog! I named him Monkey! Which got a little confusing, especially when I started calling my plush monkey "Dog". And…" Cosmo sounded a bit embarrassed. "You'll probably think I'm crazy, but there was one other thing that kept me company…"_

Cosmo first noticed it one night as he stood on his balcony, holding Monkey the Dog—more specifically, Monkey the Chihuahua, as Cosmo thought that breed had a hilarious name—in his arm, talking to him about cheese, pudding, monkeys—anything that came to his simple mind. That is, until he first caught sight of someone walking across his yard.

Cosmo nearly dropped Monkey from the shock. "Monkey—Monkey, that's _Wanda!"_ Cosmo cried. Setting the startled dog down, he climbed over the railing, shimmied down the drainpipe, got a rather nasty bruise as he fell that last six feet down, got up, and—

She was gone.

"I _know_ I saw her," Cosmo said, feeling crushed, as he went back to his room—this time wisely choosing the stairs.

But the next night, at around the same time, he took Monkey out on the porch and continued to wait for her, and again, there she was, walking across the lawn! This time, however, Cosmo stayed on the porch, watching her… and watching her fade into nothingness.

By the third night, when the exact same thing happened again, Cosmo figured out that he was just seeing things—Wanda wasn't actually there, which, when Cosmo finally realized this, caused him to flop on the balcony and sob the tears of a broken-hearted man for nearly ten minutes.

As the tears finally began to subside, Cosmo picked up Monkey and pet him fondly.

"I… I suppose it's actually _good _that I'm seeing her in my mind," said Cosmo to Monkey, although it was more to console himself. "Because I'll probably never see her again in real life—and—" Cosmo felt his body stiffen, as if trying to resist what he was trying to say—"and—and that's a _good_ thing! She deserves better than me, Monkey. You'd understand if you knew how wonderful she is. She needs someone smarter, someone who can love her more than I do. I don't know how that's possible," he admitted with a half smile, "but then again, I don't know much anyway."

Cosmo hugged Monkey tightly. "But at least I have her for a few seconds each night, and at least I have you too, Monkey. At least _you're _real."

He continued to hold Monkey, and Monkey, being the loyal dog he was, affectionately licked Cosmo's face.

Cosmo wondered, as Monkey comforted him, if the Chihuahua really knew what Cosmo was actually thinking. True, he knew that everything he had told him was right—Wanda deserved so much more than Cosmo could even think about giving her! He knew this, and that led to the logical conclusion that Wanda was better off with someone else—except people like Juandissimo; come on, even Cosmo could do better than that! But still… during the years since they had last seen each other, Cosmo loved her more and more, and it hurt more and more each time he thought of her—which was very, very often. He knew it was wrong, but he _wanted_ Wanda all to himself. He was selfish—he was more concerned with what would suit _him_ best rather than what would suit _her_ best.

But what was wrong with that? He didn't have much to give her, but he did have his love—probably not in the same capacity that a smarter person could offer, but it was still love! And Cosmo loved her with every nerve in his body. Didn't that count for something? He had never been able to show her how much it was—it probably wasn't enough for her, but still… did she know? _Could _she know?

O.o.O

Actually, Wanda _did _know.

"Wanda, _mi amor,_ I'm so very happy to hear that you left that awful Stellar character," said Juandissimo, for Wanda, not knowing where else to turn to after she left her deadbeat boyfriend, had sought out Juandissimo—who she had never actually officially broken up with.

"_All _of my boyfriends have been awful," Wanda mumbled.

"Except me," said Juandissimo smugly.

"You leave a lot to be desired," Wanda snapped.

Juandissimo took Wanda in his arms—Wanda felt herself flinch. "My love, my sexy goddess, out of all your boyfriends I alone have treated you with respect—of course, except for a few minor instances—"

"Minor instances?" Wanda snapped, although, feeling tears spring to her eyes, she realized that Juandissimo, even with his ego, his viewing of Wanda as merely a sexual plaything, and the occasions in which he had resorted to physical abuse, had been the best lover she had.

The best one.

"Care to hit the sheets, my love?" Juandissimo purred into her ear.

My love. What a thing for him to call her! He didn't love her—well, he loved her body, and her sexual abilities. But what did he know about real, true love? Hell, what did _Wanda _know? In her younger days, Wanda had never been with a boyfriend long enough to fall in love, and now, love seemed like something out of a myth—something that could never be attained. Juandissimo claimed to love her, but he didn't. No one ever had.

But as Juandissimo was kissing her neck and sliding her blouse up, Wanda heard a whisper from the past—the voice of a little boy, blurting out his true feelings before reason could get in the way—"But Wanda, _I _love you!"

Wanda's tears stopped flowing.

It wasn't that no one had ever loved her… it was that she had never allowed the one person who actually DID love her to show it.

"Let go of me," Wanda growled.

"I like it when you play hard to get," said Juandissimo, in his own lustful growl.

"I mean it, bastard!" Wanda forcefully pushed Juandissimo off of her and on to the floor.

Juandissimo was outraged. "What—what was _that _for?"

"I want to be loved, just once, I want to know what it feels like to have someone love me unconditionally, for who I am!" yelled Wanda, picking up her bag and heading for the door. "And the only person in the world who can give me that isn't _you."_

"Are you crazy?" cried Juandissimo, getting to his feet and glaring at Wanda. "Who is it?"

Wanda gave Juandissimo an icy stare. "The guy who did this to you."

And, without warning, she gave Juandissimo a hearty punch, right in the eye.

Falling back yet again, Juandissimo yelled in pain and clapped his hand on his bruised eye. "That fucking little green haired moron?" he gasped.

"His name's _Cosmo,"_ snapped Wanda, "and he loves me more than you love yourself. And that's saying something."

Without another word, Wanda was out the door, slamming it behind her.

O.o.O

"La la la, cutting the grass, CUTTING THE GRASS!"

Cosmo was, as usual, mowing the lawn, but it wasn't at the park, the football field, or any of the other places where he usually worked for free. He was mowing is own lawn, his own large lawn in front of his own large house.

Monkey the dog was sitting on the porch, with Dog the monkey plush sitting next to him. The two made a comical looking pair, as they—or at least as Monkey—watched their master ride back and forth.

"I'm sure glad you don't need a driver's license to drive this, Monkey!" Cosmo called out to his tiny dog. "Because, you know, I never did pass the driver's test!"

Monkey, however, wasn't looking. With one high-pitched yap, he spun his head around, looking at the pink-haired newcomer who was climbing over the fence, one small bag holding all her possessions.

"Monkey? Why did you—" Cosmo stopped the mower and hopped off, seeing Wanda walking across the lawn. He grinned. "Hey, Monkey, I'm seeing things again, although this time it's during the day! Isn't that—"

He stopped short and looked at Monkey—Monkey was staring at Wanda too. Cosmo knew he wasn't very smart, but still he had no idea how a dog could see someone else's hallucinations.

"Monkey," he asked, almost fearfully, "do you see what I see?"

Wanda, watching the whole thing, couldn't help but be a little confused at Cosmo paying more attention to his dog than to her. The Chihuahua, as if answering Cosmo's question, jumped off the porch and trotted over to Wanda. Chuckling, Wanda picked the dog up.

"You're a tiny little thing," she murmured to the dog, who was happily licking her fingers. "Maybe Cosmo should feed you more." She set the dog down at her feet and smiled at Cosmo, who was now staring at Wanda, completely transfixed.

He took a step towards her… she took a step towards him… and suddenly they were both running to each other—

—but then they stopped.

Feeling awkward, Wanda gave Cosmo a small smile. "Hello, Cosmo," she said.

"…Hello Wanda." Cosmo lifted up one arm, visibly trembling. "Are you… are you real?" His hand hovered near her face, but made no move to get closer. Cosmo didn't want to try to touch her, only to find out that this was just another hallucination—a very real one, but still not real enough.

But Wanda suddenly took his arm in her hand and pressed his hand against her face. Cosmo was so shocked, so relieved, and so full of love that he nearly fainted.

"I'm real enough," said Wanda. She gazed into Cosmo's eyes for just a second, before she suddenly threw herself in his arms, hugging him tightly. Cosmo returned the hug, still completely shocked that this was happening to him.

"You _are _real!" he whispered, silently vowing that he'd never, never let her leave him again.

Wanda found herself smiling at this strange new sensation of someone loving her. Why, oh why did she keep leaving Cosmo? Nothing had ever felt so good. "I'm real as long as I'm with you," she said, still hugging him, rocking him gently back and forth.

"Then you have to stay with me forever!" cried Cosmo. "Promise you'll stay with me forever! Promise me!" He sounded almost pleading. With good reason, Wanda thought to herself. She had never stayed in his life for very long.

"I'll stay," she said, giving him one last squeeze and letting go. Monkey was at her feet, and, laughing, she picked him up. "So I see you have a dog?"

"Yeah! His name's Monkey!" cried Cosmo. Still laughing, Wanda scratched behind Monkey's ears. Monkey smiled—smiling in the way only dogs can—and licked her check.

"That means he likes you!" said Cosmo. He took Wanda's free hand in his. "Then again, I don't think it's possible for anyone to _not _like you."

"Oh, Cosmo…" Wanda stroked Cosmo's hand and gave it a squeeze.

How could someone as good as him be so sweet to someone like her?

"_After Wanda met Monkey, she slept. And slept. She slept like she hadn't slept in ages! But once she woke up, I took care of her in the best way I could—I made her breakfast in bed, even though I'm not a good cook, and I put flowers in her room every day, although sometimes I accidentally picked poison oak—my hands get sore just remembering that! And we took walks every day, and I told her all about ping pong, and shrimp, and becoming a rich guy… I did most of the talking. Wanda usually just listened."_

"…we kept on getting really weird stuff, like a toilet seat, and once we got this old army boot, and…"

Cosmo's voice trailed off when he became aware that Wanda wasn't listening to him anymore. Looking ahead, he noticed where they were—the house where she spent her earliest years. Her uncle's house.

It had been years and years ago, but Cosmo still felt a chill run down his spine as he recalled her uncle's terrible voice. Actually, he felt _worse _than he had back then. He was older now and understood things better—not much better, but there was still a small improvement as the years went by. And he knew, maybe not how, but he knew that Wanda's uncle had hurt her, both physically and emotionally. He felt his blood boiling—it was a good thing her uncle died years ago, otherwise Cosmo would have had a hard time controlling his urge to find him and punch him.

Wanda stared too, feeling even more chilled than Cosmo. It had all started here. Every terrible thing about her, it was all HIS fault, damn him, _damn him, _he made her scared, he made her run away from Cosmo, he hurt and terrified that innocent little girl, he offered no stability, thanks to him she wasn't able to accept stability—dropped out of college and resorted to drugs and sex—her life had gone to hell and HE caused it!

She reached down, grabbed a large rock, and hurled it at the house so quickly that Cosmo jumped back from shock. She hurled another, and another, and soon she had run out of rocks.

"More rocks, Cosmo!" she shrieked. "Rocks, boulders, anything, I don't care, help me destroy this house!" She fell to the ground and wept in frustration and anger.

Cosmo fell to his knees and took Wanda in his arms, trying his best to comfort her. "It's not the house's fault, Wanda, it was your uncle and he's dead now…" _Oh God, please don't cry, I can't stand seeing you hurt… _"Look, it's old anyway! It'll probably fall down pretty soon!" _How could anyone ever hurt you like this?_

"It's all his fault," Wanda choked, "my whole life has been crap and it all started with him. He hurt me, Cosmo…"

"I know… Oh God, Wanda, how _could _he?"

"I was young… everything he did to me back then has made my life what it is now… why couldn't I have had my parents there, people who actually cared about me?"

"I was there," whispered Cosmo, stroking her hair as Wanda continued to shake and tremble against his shoulder. "I always have been… even back then… but I didn't stop him… I should have helped…" _No, no, you dummy, don't cry! You have to help Wanda feel better—you can't start crying yourself! Don't cry—_

Cosmo began to shake with tears as well. "I didn't help you at all…"

"Yes you did," whispered Wanda, crying freely into his shoulder.

"I didn't help…"

"Yes you did…"

"_I guess," said Cosmo in melancholy recollection, "I guess sometimes there just aren't enough rocks."_

O.o.O

A few evenings later, Cosmo was watching the bicentennial parties on the TV, waiting for Wanda to come back. She had said she was going out to get something, although when Cosmo asked what that something was, she had just said, "No, no, it has to be a surprise!" That left him to talk to Monkey, who was sitting on his lap.

"Do you know what today is, Monkey?" he asked his Chihuahua. "It's July 4th, 1976! America's two hundred years old today! That's really cool, isn't it?"

Monkey made a whimpering noise.

"Yeah, I wish Wanda would come back too," said Cosmo unhappily, slumping down in his chair. "I wonder what she's bringing back? Maybe another Chihuahua?"

Monkey growled.

"Don't worry, I wouldn't replace you!" cried Cosmo. "Just maybe a little girl Chihuahua to keep you company. I wonder what I'd name her? Monkette? Nah, that's too weird. Maybe Chimpanzee?"

Monkey made a moaning noise and covered his paws over his eyes.

"Hey, you try naming a Chihuahua! It's harder than it looks!" cried Cosmo.

Suddenly, both Monkey's and Cosmo's ears perked up as they heard the front door opening and closing. "Cosmo! I'm back!" called Wanda.

"Ooh! Ooh! What did you get, lambchop?" cried Cosmo, leaping to his feet. Monkey got out of harm's way just in time.

"Come over here and see!" said Wanda playfully.

Cosmo ran to the front door—Wanda was standing in the doorway, grinning as if she was keeping the world's juiciest secret.

"What is it? What is it?" cried Cosmo, bouncing up and down.

"Well, after… after that episode a few days ago, at my uncle's house…" Both Wanda and Cosmo grew a bit more melancholy at the mention of the house. "It really upset me there, but I didn't mean to upset you too, and… and I wanted to apologize," said Wanda with a shrug.

"But Wanda," said Cosmo, "I'm here to take care of you—don't you know that? If you're upset, than I'm upset too, and when you're happy, I'm happy!"

"I know, I know, and I can't thank you enough for that!" cried Wanda. "And so I wanted to get you something in return for all you've done for me these past few weeks." Grinning, she stepped aside to reveal…

"_A unicycle!" _Cosmo was ecstatic. "How did you know I've always wanted a unicycle?"

"I seem to recall you telling me that you wanted one when we were ten years old," said Wanda, still grinning. "I figured you would probably still want one."

"Thank you, Wanda!" cried Cosmo, playing with the pedals on his new plaything. "You're…" His gaze grew soft with love. "You're so amazing."

Wanda smiled as she let Cosmo look at her like that—Lordy, why had she never let Cosmo love her before? These past few weeks were better than the rest of her meaningless life.

But…

Wanda felt her face drop a bit as Cosmo returned to his unicycle. Was it really fair to drop in on Cosmo like this? He had such a better life, he had such a potential to go on and do great things, but with Wanda there and interrupting his life just because she wanted love—a love that she really didn't deserve in the first place, what _did _Cosmo see in her anyway?—seemed so unfair to Cosmo.

She very suddenly felt a bit sick.

"I'm kinda tired, Cosmo," she said, feigning a yawn. "I think I'll go to bed now."

"Okay, goodnight, angel!" said Cosmo, still playing with his unicycle, not even looking back.

Despite herself, Wanda grinned. "Goodnight, sweetie."

She turned around and began to climb up the stairs.

Cosmo suddenly stopped spinning the pedals around on his unicycle—_what was happening to him?_ Wanda had just given him one of the best presents in the world, and he was hardly acknowledging her. He was—what was the term?—taking her for granted.

What if she was feeling unloved?

What if she left?

No! She couldn't! Cosmo _needed_ her, and she needed to be happy, and Cosmo was bending over backwards to keep her happy—but what if it wasn't enough? What if she left? No, no, no! Not after she finally came back into his life—she couldn't leave him! He had to make her stay. He just had to. But how?

"Wanda!" cried Cosmo, nearly tripping as he scrambled to his feet. Wanda, halfway up the stairs, turned around.

"Yes, Cosmo?"

"Will—will you marry me?"

Wanda's hand clutched the railing a little tighter.

There was a long silence—_too _long.

"Why not?" whispered Cosmo, correctly interpreting the silence as a negative, tears beginning to stream down his face like water running down a glacier.

Wanda turned her face away, the sight of Cosmo's tears making her want to throw up from guilt. "You… you don't want to marry me, Cosmo."

"If I didn't want to marry you, I wouldn't have asked you!" cried Cosmo. "Why don't you love me, Wanda? What… what have I done wrong?"

"Cosmo—"

Trembling, Cosmo spun around and walked towards the door, stopping right before he got there. He turned around and looked Wanda in the eye. "I may not be a smart man, but I do know what love is." With that, he opened the door, walked outside, and slammed it shut behind him.

Wanda, her vision blurred by fast-springing tears, ran up the stairs to her room.

O.o.O

That night, Cosmo laid awake in bed, staring at the ceiling.

"I almost wish I never fell in love with her at all," he mumbled to Monkey. "It's a good thing you don't know any girl dogs. Monkey?"

He looked down on the floor, at the foot of the bed, where Monkey always slept. He was sound asleep.

"Lucky," he mumbled. "Lucky you don't love anyone. Lucky you don't have to listen to me talk. I wish I'd never seen her at all. Because there's no possible way I could ever stop loving her now." He looked down at Monkey again—still asleep. "Aw, why am I even talking to you? Even if you were awake you can't understand me!"

Something white moved past his window.

Shooting up like a rocket, Cosmo looked at the visitor—it was Wanda, in that white nightgown of hers that made her look like an angel. An angel without wings. Well, that's what she was, anyway.

And Wanda looked at Cosmo, that wiry body of his, his ruffled hair, those sleepy yet still wide-open eyes, that expression that was attempting to be angry but failing miserably—there was no way he could hide that love.

She couldn't hide it anymore, either.

Hardly giving any time for Cosmo to fake a protest, she climbed in on top of him and wrapped her arms around his neck, although they didn't stay there for long—his hair was just begging to be stroked. "Cosmo, I _do _love you," she whispered.

Cosmo's eyes grew wide. "What?" he gasped.

Wanda smiled and, clearing his confusion, she pressed her lips against his in a soft, sweet kiss. Cosmo felt his brain, his heart, everything in him explode.

This… this… this could not be happening to him!

Wanda pulled away and nearly laughed—Cosmo's eyes were still the size of baseballs. With one arm still around his neck and the other still stroking his messy hair, she felt her eyes sting with tears again. "Why didn't I tell you sooner?" she whispered, shaking her head.

Seeing Wanda's tears seemed to shake Cosmo out of his trance, and now, having convinced himself that this WAS actually happening to him (and if it wasn't, he might as well take advantage of this anyway, because she sure FELT real), wrapped his arms around her waist, and…

Wanda rolled over to Cosmo's side—she was tired of taking the initiative, she wanted to know what it felt like to really, truly be loved—no hindrances, just real love, something that only Cosmo had ever given her. And even then, Wanda had only let him show a tiny portion of it—but now she wanted, more than anything, ALL of his love. All of it.

She got her wish when Cosmo kissed her—never had she been kissed so tenderly and at the same time so passionately. She felt like she was melting in his arms.

Cosmo pulled away, breathing heavily, as if he still couldn't believe this was actually happening to him. "I never did stop loving you, Wanda," he whispered, kissing her damp cheeks. "Never, not for one second—not for one millisecond!—not for one—What's shorter than a millisecond?"

"Oh, I don't know," whispered Wanda, giggling.

"Well, however long that is…" Cosmo's arms slid up and down her back as he gazed into Wanda's moist eyes, their faces millimeters away. Soon they were together in a kiss again, although neither of them knew who had initiated it. Perhaps they both did.

Wanda felt like her whole mind, heart, body, was on fire—she had never imagined what it was like to be so completely in love like this—she had never fathomed that someone like _her, _who had been so hurt in her life, could feel anything like this!

All her life she had wanted to fly away—fly away from the world and everything in it. Nowhere had she felt wanted, like she belonged. But now she didn't want to fly—she knew where she belonged, she knew where home was—it was Cosmo's arms and nowhere else.

"I love you so much," she murmured as their kiss pulled away.

"I love you more than… more than all the money I've made from shrimping!" said Cosmo, feeling dumb—it was far more than that, you couldn't assign a number to his love—but he didn't know how to say it. He didn't know if there WAS a way to say it.

As if she knew what he was thinking, Wanda whispered into his ear, "Show me how much you love me."

She pulled away just long enough to pull her nightgown off of her. And, unlike that time all those years ago in college, Cosmo didn't feel ashamed to look at her body—this time completely bare. He had never, ever seen anything so beautiful, so… so…

O.o.O

The next morning, Monkey was the first to notice the taxi, as he gave his characteristic yaps at the intruder.

Wanda bent down and scratched behind Monkey's ears. "I'll miss you, Monkey," she said quietly.

As if knowing what she had said, Monkey gave a sad whimper and nuzzled against her leg.

"Take care of Cosmo for me," she whispered. "I know you'll do a better job than I could…"

She picked up her small bag and walked towards the taxi, don't look back, _don't look back…_

How on earth could she do this to Cosmo?

He had such a good life without her—what right did she have to go and ruin it? What right did she have to fall in love with such a perfect, sweet, caring… And since he was in love with her too, she just _had _to use that to her advantage!

She wasn't being fair to Cosmo. He deserved someone much better than her. She needed to get away; she had to stop breaking into his life all the time.

The taxi driver held open the taxi door for her. "Where are you running to?" he asked.

"I'm not _running,"_ snapped Wanda. "You're _taking_ me away."

"Whatever. Get in."

As the taxi drove off, Wanda watched house disappear, and she felt those tears return—she shed them for the life with Cosmo that she wanted so badly, but could never have—she had no _right _to it.

Why hadn't she accepted his love sooner?

O.o.O

(AN: I love sad endings to chapters. Cuz if it was a happy ending to a chapter, you'd all feel happy and have no need to continue reading the stories, right?

Anyway, I should probably add in a note of explanation about Monkey—I honestly wasn't planning to give Cosmo a dog. It just happened as I was typing—I couldn't stand to see the poor guy so alone. He did help the plot along in some places, though, at least I think so. In fact, I wonder why Forrest didn't have a dog in the movie.

The big chapter One-Oh is comin' up next. So stay tuned, stay cool, and see you then, all my fine peeps!)


	10. The Cycling Tour

(AN: Not much to say this time, actually, except the usual thanks for reviewing and here's the next chapter! I hope you like it.)

O.o.O

Over the next few days, Monkey had to dig through the big bag of dog food if he expected to get fed.

Animal neglect? Well, yes, in most cases, that would definitely have been what was going on. But the little Chihuahua knew that there was much more than that going on—that he had to not only take care of himself, but take care of his master, in the most bizarre of role reversals. Because if Monkey didn't tug on Cosmo's pant leg, Cosmo wouldn't have remembered to get up to feed himself. Day after day, Monkey tugged and whined, trying to get his happy master back from the depths of his depression.

Of course, that day came when Monkey had eaten the entire bag of dog food, and Cosmo still had barely moved. With a whine and whimper louder and more pitiful than he had ever attempted, Monkey jumped up on Cosmo's lap and nuzzled his hand.

"I think… I think I know why she left, Monkey."

Monkey nearly jumped at the sound of Cosmo's voice. After days of neglect, his voice cracked and sounded dry, hoarse. Or maybe it was just from his state of mind?

Cosmo absent-mindedly stroked Monkey behind the ears. "You see, Monkey, I've been thinking a lot these past few days—more than I've ever thought in my life, and—oh my gosh! Are you hungry, Monkey?"

Monkey nudged Cosmo, as if asking him to continue with his thoughts.

"I can't even take care of a dog," moaned Cosmo, hugging Monkey. "No wonder Wanda left. I should have known this would happen… it's so obvious, even to an idiot like me. You see, Monkey, that night… that night I finally showed her just how much I love her. I was never able to _tell _her, but that night I thought I finally _showed_ her all of my love… well, most of it," admitted Cosmo. "I think I could never possibly show all of it, because… because it's such a part of me, if I let it all go, I might… die. I can't give it all up—aw, heck, Monkey, what am I talking about? I hardly showed her anything that night. And that's why she left. I didn't love her enough. She finally knew how much I did, but it wasn't enough." He sniffed back incoming tears. "And that makes sense. She deserves so much more than what I can give her… I only hope… she can find someone who can love her like she deserves."

Monkey whined sadly.

"Of _course_ it hurts! It hurts so bad I can hardly move—well, I guess you know that," admitted Cosmo apologetically. "But I'm going to make it up to you, Monkey, I promise. Do you want to go to town and get something to eat?"

Monkey yapped his happy assent.

"Alright! Let's go!" Cosmo got up very unsteadily—"Wow, I just heard my bones crack!"—and went outside, Monkey running right behind him. "Ooh, Monkey! Let's take the unicycle to town!"

Monkey barked indignantly.

"Oh… right… you don't have a unicycle, do you?" Cosmo frowned. "Darn it, I wanted to try this thing out… wait, I have an idea! Wow, that's a first!" Cosmo ran off to the shed and pulled out a very old unicycle. Monkey cocked his head. "My daddy used to ride unicycles, I guess," explained Cosmo with an embarrassed smile. "And Mama said he was an inventor—a really smart one! Of course, that was before he went on his vacation that he never came back from. And he invented a basket for a unicycle, 'cuz Mama always had him go to town and get her things from the market, and he liked his unicycle better than walking or driving." Cosmo lifted the unicycle up and Monkey saw that there was an L shaped piece coming off from the unicycle, with a basket firmly attached to it. Cosmo picked up Monkey and put him in the basket; the basket was large and Monkey had plenty of room.

"There! You fit perfectly!" Cosmo grabbed a large screwdriver that quite conveniently happened to be lying around, removed the basket-thing from the old unicycle, and reattached it to his new one. "Perfect! Now that the author's done writing this hugely coincidental scene that quite conveniently lets you come along with me, Monkey, let's go and find something to eat!"

O.o.O

"So what happened then?" the woman on the park bench next to Cosmo asked.

"Funny you should ask," said Cosmo with a grin. "So we went and got some fast food, and then I said, 'Well, Monkey, what should we do now?' He couldn't answer, of course, so I thought to myself, 'Why don't we just ride around on the unicycle all day?' Well, we did, but I don't think either one of us wanted to go home, so we went across the state… then we got to an ocean, so I figured we might as well just turn around and go the other way! And when we got to _another _ocean… I figured we had nothing better to do, so we turned around and kept right on going!"

The woman laughed. "And so… you just… _pedaled!"_

Cosmo considered this for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah!"

O.o.O

"Isn't this the life, Monkey?" said Cosmo, sharing a bit of his turkey and cheese sub sandwich with his Chihuahua companion. "We've been gone for months, we have no worries, my hair's really long and I've got a beard… isn't this fun?"

Monkey was devouring his sandwich, but wagged his tail in response.

"I should have done this years ago," said Cosmo with a sigh, leaning back against the tree in the woods where they were spending the night.

"_I thought about a lot of things while I was riding my unicycle, and while I was resting, too," recalled Cosmo. "I thought about Mama, and Timmy, and Lieutenant Crocker… but most of all, I thought about Wanda."_

Cosmo gazed up at the mountains from his spot in the woods, wondering.

O.o.O

About a year later, Cosmo was still cycling… and people were beginning to take notice.

"Hey, look at that, Frank!" a woman in the café said to her husband, pointing at the TV located by the window. "There's that man I was telling you about—the guy who's been riding around on a unicycle for about two years now."

"That's nice. Excuse me, waitress? Could I have some more coffee?"

The waitress nodded and approached Frank with the coffee pot, while his wife scoffed. "Come on, Frank, it's a huge human interest story!"

On the TV, a rather short news reporter, standing on a bridge, announced, "Good morning! This is Chet Ubetcha, and I'm reporting live from the Mississippi River, where a man named Cosmo Uhsmith, who has been cycling across the nation for nearly two years now, will be crossing the river for the fourth time! And here he comes now!"

The waitress gave the oddest smile at the TV screen. "Oh my God! Cosmo!"

Another waitress who was working at another table raised an eyebrow. "You know that guy, Wanda?"

Wanda smiled as if in a daze. "Yeah… you might say that."

"Hey!"

"Oops! I'm sorry, sir!" Wanda grabbed a rag and cleaned up the coffee that had overflowed Frank's cup while Wanda had been distracted by the TV. Frank scowled.

The TV now showed a man with long green hair and a long green beard riding a unicycle over the bridge, a strange sort of basket holding a Chihuahua attached to the support rod. And Chet Ubetcha and about six other reporters were all crowded around him, running to keep up and shoving microphones in his face, asking a thousand questions.

"Are you doing this for the environment?"

"World peace?"

"Civil rights?"

"_Women's _rights?"

"How about the animals?"

"_Why _are you doing this?"

Cosmo, expertly balanced on his unicycle, just shrugged. "I just felt like riding my unicycle!"

All shocked by his answers, the news reporters all stopped dead in their tracks, giving Cosmo time to pedal on by, leaving them in the dust.

O.o.O

Cosmo, in his current clean-shaven self sitting on the park bench, looked as if he were at a loss of words. "I thought," he finally said, shrugging as if apologizing to the woman that he couldn't quite think of how to put his next thought into words, "that riding a unicycle around would be the kind of thing that only an idiot like me would do, but after I got on the news and all that, people… people thought that I was doing something right, that I gave them hope or something like that! That's when I started to get company… other than Monkey, of course…"

O.o.O

"It's you! Oh my God, it's really you!"

Cosmo, unicycling though a park in downtown St. Louis, turned around and saw a man on a bicycle following him.

"Yep, it's me!" said Cosmo cheerfully, slowing down a bit so the man could catch up. "I couldn't be anyone else!"

"I can't believe it!" the young man cried. "I mean, when I saw you on the news, I thought to myself, 'Now here's a man who's got it all figured out. Here's a man who's got his act together!'"

"Where?" asked Cosmo, turning his head around.

"I'd follow you anywhere, Mr. Uhsmith!" cried the man.

"Really? Even off a cliff?" asked Cosmo. He looked down at Monkey. "What do you think, Monkey? Do you mind if we have another companion?"

Monkey panted, barked, and wagged his tail, a sign that Cosmo understood to mean "yes".

"Okay, Monkey says you can come with me!" said Cosmo with a smile.

"_First it was just him—his name was Mike, he's a really nice guy—but then there were more… and more… and more! Some had bikes, some ran, some had unicycles like me, and there were even some kids on tricycles! Some only stayed with us for awhile, but some stayed for the whole trip! And then there were those people who wanted help with their problems… There was this one guy in the bumper sticker business…"_

"…and you don't know how competitive this business can be!" The bumper sticker man said, running alongside Cosmo's unicycle down a small city downtown street. "And I was thinking, Mr. Uhsmith, that you've been such an inspiration to so many people, that maybe you could help me—JESUS! You just went through a big pile of dog shit!"

Cosmo shrugged. "It happens."

The bumper sticker man blinked. "What, shit?"

"Sometimes. Actually, you should see how much Monkey here has to go when we stop! Poor guy. Anyway, it was nice talking to you!" Cosmo had to turn around and yell over his shoulder, for the man had stopped running, thinking.

"_Later I heard that that guy actually did come up with a bumper sticker, and it sold very well, too! But anyway… after awhile, my unicycle started to get worn out, and I missed my house, and… I was ready to go. I had ridden my unicycle for three years, two months, sixteen hours, forty-three minutes, and eighteen seconds… give or take…"_

Cosmo and his huge band of followers were in Utah… going through the stark beauty of Arches National Park, actually, when Cosmo abruptly stopped pedaling and climbed off his unicycle, turning around to face his followers.

"Shh, quiet, he's about to say something!" cried one of the group.

Cosmo was quiet for a moment, as he picked up Monkey out of the basket. Holding his dog in one hand and holding the unicycle upright with the other, he said, "Monkey and I are getting kinda tired now… and we miss our house… so I think we'll go home now."

With that, he picked up his unicycle and began walking back, through the crowd of followers, who all, with dumb shock, pulled back and left a path for him to go through.

"_Now_ what are we supposed to do?" one shouted angrily.

O.o.O

"I've been at home since then, not doing much for these past few years, cutting the grass and all," said Cosmo, feeling strange with the knowledge that he was finally wrapping up his life story. "But a few days ago I got a letter from Wanda—she told me that she was living here and told me I could come up and see her when she got off work—and that's what I'm doing here," he finished with a small smile. "I left Monkey with a pet sitter and came down here as soon as possible! She told me to take the number five bus to Hartman Road and walk from there to her house on 1395 Henry Street—apartment four."

"Why, you don't need to take a bus!" laughed the woman.

"Excuse me?" asked Cosmo.

"Henry street is only about five or six blocks, down that way!" The woman pointed in the appropriate direction.

"Down that way?"

"Down that way."

There was a moment of silence.

"It was nice talking to you," said Cosmo hurriedly, scrambling to his feet, grabbing his box of cheese and his briefcase, and running down the street in the direction that the woman had pointed.

Running—to _Wanda!_

O.o.O

(AN: Well, that chapter was short and sweet. Uh… I mean… it was short. ;) It was hard to right—just like my other current story was hard to write—because right now I'm only thinking of another fanfic that I want to write. However, I know what happens when I try to work on three at once, so I'm trying to hold myself back until I finished one of these two, although that should be pretty soon. I think this story will only have two more chapters, and I can't see my US Acres story having too many more chapters either. So… a heads up for you, I'm just about done with this! Wow… I might just finish it in less than a year! That's a rarity. (laughs)

Chapter 11 will be up as soon as possible, but until then, take care of yourselves, and thanks for all the reviews! :) )


	11. The Most Beautiful Thing

(AN: Wow, I can't believe I'm nearly done—just one more chapter after this and it's all over! (sniff) But I won't dwell on that right now. Here's the next chapter—C/W, angst, fluff, all those things that apparently I'm well-known for…)

O.o.O

After dodging traffic and running up the stairs to the Wanda's apartment, Cosmo found himself hesitating at her door. True, she had _wanted _him to come—but was it just to yell at him? Was she still mad at him?

Cosmo gulped in apprehension, and, squinting his eyes shut in preparation for the worst, knocked three times on Wanda's door. He probably would have recoiled in horror moments after this action, but he never got the chance to—the door was opened in an instant.

"_Cosmo!"_ cried Wanda, throwing her arms around his neck. Cosmo, still overcome with shock and nervousness, slid his right arm around her shoulders—his left was still clutching his briefcase and box of cheese.

Wanda pulled away. "How are you?" she asked, grinning from ear to ear. Well. She obviously wasn't upset at him anymore.

"Wonderful!" said Cosmo truthfully. He couldn't look at her and feel otherwise. She did look different from the last time he had seen her, however. Her hair was shorter now, and she was wearing her waitress uniform. But she was still gorgeous.

"Come on in!" Wanda motioned for Cosmo to enter. Timidly, Cosmo stepped inside.

"You have a nice place," he said, looking at her living arrangements.

Wanda blushed and shrugged. "It's nothing much, but thanks, whatever works, right?"

"It's nice!" Cosmo emphasized. Suddenly remembering the box he was carrying, he handed to it to Wanda awkwardly. "I got you some cheese…"

"Oh, thank you!" Wanda opened the lid to find a box only about half full of various cheeses.

"I… I ate some," said Cosmo sheepishly, mentally kicking himself and his cheese addiction. Great way to win her back, doofus. Now all she thinks of you is that you're a greedy slob who loves cheese more than her!

But Wanda just laughed. "You and your cheese," she said, shaking her head fondly. She set the box of cheese down on a shelf and pulled out a scrapbook. "I actually have something for you, too. I made a scrapbook of all the magazine and newspaper articles about you when you were riding your unicycle… remember?"

"Of course I remember," said Cosmo, as Wanda flipped through page after page of covers from "CYCLING MONTHLY" and other magazines like that.

Seeing one of the pictures, with Monkey eagerly poking his head out of the basket, Wanda laughed. "How is Monkey these days, anyway?"

"He's fine—he likes to help me mow all those lawns."

The two were silent for a few moments, the only sound the rustling of each page Wanda turned.

"I was gone a long time…" said Cosmo faintly.

Wanda closed the book and looked at Cosmo, almost sadly.

Another pause.

"I'm sorry—" both Cosmo and Wanda began, then laughed at their unison.

"Sorry," giggled Wanda. "What were you saying?"

"You go first," said Cosmo. Whatever Wanda had to apologize for probably wasn't as bad a crime as Cosmo's, at any rate. She had to go first!

Wanda rubbed her arm distractedly. "Well… what I want to say is… I'm sorry for anything I ever did to you that… that hurt you," she finally managed to say. "I was messed up for a real long time, and… I'm sorry."

Cosmo was shocked. Well, okay, so Wanda _had _hurt him, but she had a perfectly reasonable excuse for leaving—she just wanted to be loved by someone who could love her more than Cosmo, right? Who cared if Cosmo was hurt by that—he had his Monkey—but Wanda _needed _someone to love her the way she deserved—something that Cosmo could never do!

He opened his mouth, about to say all this (or at least try), but a sharp knock on the door interrupted him.

"Knock knock!" said the woman who opened the door, with pink hair and pink eyes just like Wanda, although noticeably different. She was holding the hand of a small girl, whose white hair was in pigtails.

"Heeeyyy!" Wanda said fondly, picking up the girl. To the woman she said, "My schedule's changed, so I don't need you to pick her up next week."

"Okay. Gotta go, I'm double parked."

"Alright, bye, Leslie!"

"See ya!" The woman shut the door and was gone.

Smiling, Wanda walked back towards Cosmo, still holding the girl in her arms. "This is my very good friend, Mr. Uhsmith," she said to the girl. "Can you say hello?"

"Hello, Mr. Uhsmith!" said the girl with a smile, showing off all her brilliant small teeth.

"Hello!" said Cosmo, looking at the girl in wonder. Was that… Wanda's _daughter?_ No, she couldn't be…

"Can I go watch TV now, Mommy?" asked the girl.

"Yes you can, just keep it low." Wanda placed the girl on the floor and watched her trot off to the living room, flopping down in front of the TV and turning it on rapidly.

"You're…" Cosmo stammered, "you're… you're a _mama!"_

"I'm a mama, alright," said Wanda, gazing lovingly at the girl.

Cosmo's mind swam. If Wanda was a mother, he was painstakingly deducing, that meant either one of two things. One, Wanda was married, which totally killed the ghost of a chance Cosmo had at winning her back. And two, nearly worse than the first option… Wanda was _not _married, but a single mother.

He could remember when he was a child, and he was playing with a kid he knew from school. Mama Cosma had talked about Cosmo's new playmate to him that night—in a small town, you know everything about everyone.

"I pity that poor boy, and do you know why? His father might as well be non-existent. With your father it's a different story; it's not like he had a _choice _in leaving us… dynamite does that to you… but that boy's father left his mother all alone to raise her child, without any help at all! I swear, sweetie, if I had my way, all the men who get women pregnant and leave them to be single mothers would be arrested."

If Wanda was a single mother, then that meant that some low-down guy had abandoned her to raise her daughter all by herself, and that made Cosmo angry at that guy—whoever he was—for doing such a thing. He would much rather have Wanda married than that—if she was married, at least that meant that she had found that man who could love her like she needed to be loved!

"Her name's Castle," said Wanda quietly.

"Castle?" Cosmo repeated. "…I like that!"

"I was hoping you would," said Wanda, giving Cosmo a rather strange look. "I had no idea what to name her—if she had been a boy, I would have named her Cosmo."

"Like me!" said Cosmo, smiling with joy.

Wanda also smiled, one of the strangest, saddest, most loving smiles that Cosmo had ever seen. "Like her daddy."

Cosmo, despite himself, laughed. "Her dad's named Cosmo, too? I never thought my name was very common!"

Wanda still had that strange smile on her face. "You're her daddy, Cosmo…"

Cosmo's limbs turned stiff.

WHAT had he DONE?

It was _him!—HE _was that lousy guy who had done such a terrible thing to Wanda, had left her alone to take care of her daughter—HIS daughter—THEIR daughter!

He was a daddy! All this time—how old was she, anyway? Three, four—he had been a daddy all this time and had had no idea!

How could he have done such a thing—

His _daughter! _He had a _daughter! _

"Cosmo—" Wanda laid a hand on his shoulder.

"What—what—I've done something terrible, haven't I?"

"Oh God, no—if anyone's done anything wrong, it's me." Wanda turned and looked at Castle again. "Besides, look at her. Isn't she beautiful?"

Cosmo stared, opened mouthed, at the child. Her bright silver eyes were glimmering with excitement as she watched her TV show, her lips parted in awe, creating a slit in that perfect, chubby, childish profile of hers. She sat there, in front of them—the visual emblem of Cosmo and Wanda's love, for she was of both of them.

"She's… she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Cosmo choked out, tears filling his eyes. Realizing what he said, he added hurriedly, "Besides you, of course!"

Wanda laughed and shook her head. "No… she's far more beautiful than I am. She's… she's my angel."

She _was _an angel—Cosmo couldn't believe it. Now he had _two._

But…

"But tell me," Cosmo managed to choke out, trying to talk through his tears and his contracted throat, "tell me, is she smart or is she…" Cosmo pointed to himself, finally smiling almost abashedly. "Or is she stupid like me?"

"Oh, Cosmo." Wanda looked so gentle, so caring, but Cosmo didn't know if that was because Castle was smart or… not. "At her preschool… you should see her. She's so curious, always asking questions. She's got a short attention span, so sometimes her mind wanders, but when she does stay focused… yes, she's very, very smart."

Cosmo began to cry again, this time for relief and joy. Thank God his daughter wasn't a moron like him! She was smart, and beautiful, and _PERFECT._

Wanda noticed that Cosmo was leaning towards Castle, hesitantly, as if he were about to enter a prohibited zone, so she motioned to the living room—"Go on! Go and talk to her!"

And Cosmo, as if treading on eggs, approached his daughter.

"What are you watching?" he asked her, softly, as not to startle her.

"Bert and Ernie," replied Castle, not even taking her eyes off the TV. "They're fun to watch… but my favorite shows come on later." She turned and looked at Cosmo, smiling—if she noticed the remnants of his tears she chose to ignore them. "They're violent! Mommy doesn't let me watch them that often, but she says now that I'm four I can watch them every so often. And eat candy."

Cosmo smiled. "Candy and violence! Yay!"

Wanda, watching them, shook her head in mock despair.

O.o.O

Later that day, Cosmo and Wanda took Castle to the park.

Castle ran off to the swings right away, catching sight of some of her friends instantly. Cosmo and Wanda watched her from their park bench, not saying anything for awhile.

Finally, Cosmo turned to Wanda. "Wanda… I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for—"

"Cosmo, you have _nothing _to be sorry about. I'm the one who should be apologizing, a thousand times over."

"No, but Wanda, really, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I didn't love you enough—I guess I'm too stupid to—"

"_What_ are you talking about, Cosmo?"

Cosmo hesitated. "When you left… you never said anything, but I know why. That night… that night I was finally able to show you how much I loved you, but it wasn't enough, and you left. I could try harder!" he added hurriedly. "I love you more than I could ever know, but I just don't know how to tell you, or even show you—"

He was silenced by Wanda's slender hand touching his mouth.

"Cosmo, listen to me. Of all the people I've ever known, of all the people who have claimed to love me, none has loved me with a fraction of the love that you have. There's no way I could ask for anything more—I don't deserve what you give me, Cosmo! That's why I ran away. I didn't want to ruin your life. I didn't feel like I deserved your love… you needed someone better. I still think that," she admitted.

"I don't want anyone else," said Cosmo simply.

"I know." Wanda stared at her feet, not looking upwards. "Which is why I'm the one who should be apologizing here. I was scared and so I ran away, and I hurt you in the process, even though I was trying to protect you."

"Do… do you still love me?" Cosmo's voice was hardly a whisper, as if he were afraid of the answer.

"Yes," Wanda answered without hesitation.

"Then why have you—"

"I was scared, Cosmo. Scared and stupid." Wanda still wasn't looking upwards, so Cosmo cupped her face in his hand and lifted up upwards. Trembling, she said, "The real question is, after all I've put you through, do _you_ still love _me?"_

"I could never stop loving you, Wanda," said Cosmo, feeling himself tremble as well.

"You deserve so much better than me, Cosmo," whispered Wanda.

"I told you, I don't want anyone else but you. _You're_ the one who deserves better."

"I love you," said Wanda quietly. "I'm still scared to admit it… I don't want to get hurt again, but I know you won't hurt me, Cosmo. And I really need you right now, more than ever."

"Why is that?" asked Cosmo, absentmindedly running his fingers through her hair.

"I… I'm sick."

Cosmo sat up straighter. "You're sick? Have you taken Tylenol?"

"It's not that kind of sickness," sighed Wanda. "Tylenol doesn't help it. It's… it's some sort of virus, and the doctors don't know what it is. They say that five years or so ago, this virus was non-existent, but now…" Wanda laughed starkly. "Now people who make really stupid choices, people like me, are starting to get it. Anyway, the doctors don't know how to fix it."

Cosmo grasped Wanda's hand, a wave of panic and alarm overtaking him. "Will you get better?"

Wanda instinctively squeezed Cosmo's hands, looking down again. "I don't know," she murmured.

"You _will_ get better," said Cosmo firmly. "You can come back home with me, you and Castle. I'll take care of you, and you'll get better, I promise."

"You asked me to marry you," said Wanda. "Would you still marry me now? You have every reason in the world to say no, but if you did… we could take care of each other. Would you marry me, Cosmo?"

Cosmo froze, his eyes bulged, and he began blurting out nonsense syllables, going into complete shock at what Wanda had just asked him.

"Cosmo?" asked Wanda, growing worried.

Cosmo's mouth shut as he gazed wonderingly at Wanda, trying to get the word of assent out of his mouth. _Now _he was asking even more questions in his head—like what had he done _right_ this time? Why was he wondering? Why didn't he ANSWER her before she changed her mind?

Finally, Cosmo's head slowly went down, then up, then down again, and his mouth formed the word "yes".

And Wanda understood completely, and smiled as she laid her head against his shoulder.

O.o.O

(AN: I can't believe I have only one more chapter of this story! (Did I already say that?) Just to warn all of you who haven't seen the movie, the last chapter will be sad. Well, sad, but it will have some happy moments, so… bittersweet. There we go. Bittersweet. I'll probably have a really sappy ending author's note too.

Of course, the wait will be a bit of a long one (although it's probably normal coming from me). I won't be able to update until after March 25, as I'll be on a mission trip for the week before that. And when I get back, I've got my other story to update first.

See you all come chapter the last… sniff… I'm gonna miss this l'il parody…)


	12. Destined To Be?

It was a simple wedding.

Wanda had wanted it that way. Cosmo hadn't cared either way—just so long as it was a _wedding._ Of course, even if they had wanted a big wedding, it would have been downright impossible—neither of them had any family left, except obviously Castle. And Castle, for her part, completely reveled in being both the flower girl and the ring bearer. Cosmo had suggested that Monkey be the ring bearer, but Wanda shot that idea down like a ton of bricks. Monkey could watch, but he couldn't be part of the wedding party.

"Aw, Monkey, I know you wanted to be part of the wedding, but Wanda said—"

"I don't want a dog peeing on my shoes when I'm saying 'I do'," said Wanda gently but firmly, adjusting Cosmo's tie. "Cosmo—your tie's a bit crooked. Put Monkey down so I can fix it."

"I thought you _liked _Monkey!" Cosmo protested, clinging to his Chihuahua defiantly.

"I do like him, but don't you want to look good for your wedding day?" Wanda made the finishing adjustment on Cosmo's forest green tie. "There. You look perfect."

"So do you," said Cosmo in quiet awe. Wanda wasn't wearing your typical wedding dress—she was wearing a light, off-white summer dress—but Cosmo couldn't imagine her wearing anything else on their wedding day—she looked absolutely gorgeous.

Wanda blushed. "I'm not trying to look flashy—"

"I didn't say you were flashy, I said you were _perfect."_

Wanda smiled, the type of smile that one only gives when they are feeling completely and uninhibitedly loved. "Would it be completely unorthodox of me to kiss you before the actual ceremony?" she asked.

"Uh…" Cosmo hesitated. "I don't know. Actually, I don't even know what unorthodox means, so…"

Wanda smiled. "It can wait, dear."

Cosmo smiled and nodded, part of him wondering _what _could wait, the meaning of the word "unorthodox" or the kiss; and the other part of him not really caring. There was one fact and one fact alone this day that made everything else meaningless—when the day was done, Wanda would be his wife, and he would be her husband. He was going take care of Wanda as well as he possibly could—he would do everything in his power—and then some!—to make her get well again. If Wanda suffered under his care he'd never forgive himself. Cosmo wasn't sure how, but he just somehow _had _to get rid of her virus! He just—

Wanda's head turned and looked at the front gate. "Who's that?" she asked.

Cosmo turned his gaze to be parallel with Wanda's… and gasped.

"Lieutenant Denzel!"

Frozen with surprise, Cosmo only managed to take a few steps forward. The fact that Crocker had come at all was surprising in itself, but he was doing something that he hadn't for years.

He was walking.

"Hello, Cosmo," said Crocker, with that strange calmness in his voice.

"Hello… Lieutenant Denzel…" Cosmo could still hardly believe his eyes. "You… you've got legs again!"

"That's right!" Crocker grinned. "I had them custom made." He pulled up his pant leg and showed one of his new legs—a black metal joint. "Titanium alloy," he said, batting it with his cane. "That's what they make the space shuttle out of! And damn, they did a good job on me! A FAIRY GODPARENT couldn't have done better!"

Cosmo, enraptured with joy, continued to stare. "You can walk again…" he breathed.

Crocker smiled. "Yep. Oh yes…" He motioned to the woman who was with him. "This is Geraldine, my fiancé."

"I'm going to marry a loony," Geraldine moaned to herself.

"I'm not a loony!" Crocker cried defiantly.

"Yes you are!" Geraldine retorted. "But I love you that way… loony!"

"Hooray!" Crocker cried like a little kid.

"This—" Cosmo took Wanda's arm and pulled her up to Crocker, as she had taken a few steps forward as well to examine the newcomers—"this is my Wanda!"

"It's nice to finally meet you—" both Crocker and Wanda said in unison.

Then they both laughed, and Wanda gave Crocker a quick hug.

"You're sure that you're not a FAIRY GODPARENT, right?" Crocker asked.

"Pretty sure," Wanda grinned.

"You could be!" said Crocker. "Because do you know what FAIRY GODPARENTS do?"

"They… fly?"

"They grant wishes!" Crocker cried with exuberance. "And you're definitely granting Cosmo's wish today! Trust me on this one, a guy doesn't name twelve boats after a girl and _not _want to marry her!"

And Wanda laughed again, and Cosmo couldn't stop smiling from bliss.

O.o.O

The months that followed were a bittersweet blur for Cosmo. Spring grew into summer and the mornings were filled with long walks with Wanda and Castle, exploring the woods around the house, Cosmo and Wanda talking, while Castle picked up various rocks and started a rock collection. In the afternoons they'd watch TV—Castle liked to pick the show, thus it was often either Sesame Street or something completely violent—and in the evenings either Cosmo or Wanda would read Castle a book, put her to bed, and then spend an hour or more by themselves, just talking. Cosmo was the housekeeper of the trio—he cooked meals, he made sure the house was tidied up, everything.

Pretty soon, Wanda began just want to sleep through the morning walks… then she would be too tired, too sick to watch TV in the afternoons… and soon the only way she could read to Castle at night was if Cosmo brought Castle into Wanda's room.

Cosmo tried to not let Wanda know, but he was panicking.

One morning, after opening the door, holding a breakfast tray for Wanda, he stopped short—Wanda was usually awake at this time of day, but her eyes were shut, and she was laying nearly motionless on the bed—she couldn't be—

Wanda's eyes fluttered open. "Hey," she said weakly.

Somewhat relieved, Cosmo managed a "Hey" in return and sat down at her bedside, setting the tray on her lap. Wanda smiled at it.

"Mm, oranges. Thanks Cosmo, these'll really hit the spot." She picked up an orange slice and bit it contemplatively.

Cosmo watched her, trying to remember things that the doctor said when he came, nearly every day now—"She's just weak, her strength should be coming up soon. It's just pneumonia, that rarely kills anymore. She's got the best medical treatment available. In a few days she should be coming around."

Cosmo knew next to nothing about medical procedures, but Wanda certainly didn't seem to be getting better. In fact, despite Cosmo bringing her all of her meals (and carefully consulting the food guide pyramid to make sure that she was getting the exact amount of servings that she needed), getting her anything she asked for, doing anything, ANYTHING he could do…

…she looked like she was getting worse.

"Wanda?" he suddenly asked.

"What?" Wanda replied, noting Cosmo's worry.

"I… I don't want you to lie to me, not like I think the doctor is. …I need you to tell me the truth."

Wanda bit her lip.

"Okay," she finally whispered.

But Cosmo couldn't speak again—he was just staring at her weak body, her body that was failing despite everything that Cosmo was doing for her. She wasn't getting any better, and it was all Cosmo's fault, in fact it would be his fault if she…

"Are you dying?" he finally blurted out.

Wanda took a deep breath; gulped; her eyes fluttered to the door, away from Cosmo… but finally she looked at him again. "I think so."

Her voice was a bit firmer there, more sure of herself, but it brought tears to Cosmo's eyes, even though he was trying desperately not to cry. "…I _tried," _Cosmo finally managed to squeak out through his now heavy sobbing, "I _tried _to make you better but I must have done something wrong, I'm too stupid to take care of you… You're going to die and it's all my fault…"

"Cosmo, I've been dying for _years _now," said Wanda. "There's nothing you could have done to stop it now… there's nothing anyone could have done…"

"No, if you had a smarter husband he would have helped you get better!" Cosmo insisted, now shaking with tears.

"How many times do I have to tell you this?" With great effort, Wanda sat up in her bed and grabbed Cosmo's hand, holding it tightly. "You are the _greatest _thing that ever happened to me. Cosmo, if it weren't for you, I would probably already _be _dead by now. I probably would have killed myself. I would have felt that nobody loved me, because nobody ever did besides you. Are you listening to me?" she asked gently, as Cosmo stared at her in shock. "I'm dying right now because of what _I _did—my death is going to be _my _doing and nobody else's. I'm dying because I was stupid—but I've lived this long because you were smart, you knew what I needed, even when I didn't know."

"Wh-what do you mean?" Cosmo stammered.

"Love was so absent from my life that I didn't know that's what I needed—I thought my life was just destined to be a living hell, and there was nothing that could be done about it—but _you _knew what I needed! You loved me, no questions asked, and that _saved _me. Somehow, Cosmo, you're able to see past all the terrible things I've done and become, and still see something beautiful, and I _love _you for that—oh Cosmo…" For the first time, Wanda's voice broke. "You'll never know how completely, how wholly, how madly I am in love with you—and with everything you've done for me! I don't deserve even a tenth of it, but I don't care anymore—and I know it's not fair to you," she added quietly. "You're doing everything for me, while I just sit in bed and sleep all day and wait to die. I'm a terrible wife," she whispered.

"No you're not," Cosmo said quickly. "It's not your fault you're…" Somehow, he couldn't get the word "dying" out.

"It is my fault," said Wanda. "Cosmo… promise me that you'll make sure Castle doesn't make the same stupid choices I made."

"How… how do I do that?" Cosmo asked, bringing her hand to his lips and kissing it without even realizing it.

"Just love her," said Wanda gently. "If she feels loved, then she won't do what I did."

"Oh… no problem then… I already love her just as much as I love you!" Cosmo tried to smile, but turning the corners of his mouth up hurt so bad under the circumstances that he gave up and let his face fall into heartbroken sorrow. Wanda looked at his face and her own face bunched up, ready to cry.

"Cosmo… were you scared in Vietnam?"

"I… yeah, sometimes," Cosmo admitted, leaning in on Wanda's bed and gazing into her illness dimmed eyes, stroking her face. "But it wasn't all bad. Sometimes it would stop raining for a few moments, and the moon would come out, and it was nice then. It was pretty.

"So's the sunset out on the shrimping boat," he continued. "It's so beautiful, when the sun goes down underneath the water and the water sparkles with all the different colors.

"And this mountain lake that I unicycled by… I'd never seen anything so fantastic, Wanda! It was so clear, the reflection, that it looked like there were two different mountains, one upside down and the other rightside up—it was like two different skies!

"But one of the prettiest skies I've ever seen is in the desert, at sunrise… with all the blues and the pinks in the sky, with the gold and brown of the desert… oh, Wanda, it was so beautiful! I couldn't tell where heaven stopped and the earth began!"

Wanda lifted up an almost limp arm and ran her fingers through Cosmo's hair. "I wish I could have been there with you," she murmured.

"You were," said Cosmo simply.

Wanda smiled. "I love you."

Cosmo returned the smile, but felt it suddenly fade. "You know… you know I've done everything for you, Wanda… if I could have saved you, I would have, even if that meant me dying… I love you too…"

"I know." Wanda took Cosmo's hand, the one that had been caressing her face, and kissed it, and then picked up her orange slice, eating it quietly.

O.o.O

Autumn was nearly upon the trees now—everything was still green, but a rather washed-out green, a tired green—the leaves were just waiting to break free and splatter color on the ground.

One particular tree, with its tired green leaves, reflected the evening sun off of them, and the leaves danced, as if they knew what was to come.

Standing underneath that tree, Cosmo watched the leaves dance, he watched them reflect their light on the biggest, widest branch of the tree, a branch where, many years ago, a pink-haired angel had taught him how to read.

Cosmo closed his eyes and turned his head away from the tree, as if it were too painful to look at. With effort, he opened his eyes, and put on a smile.

"Hi, Wanda!" he said, nearly cheerfully. "I'm sorry that I… oh, cheese pudding!" His face contorted and his body collapsed, as if in pain. "I… _knew_ I couldn't do this!" he cried, constricted tears running down his face, as if they were a slow leak. "But I have to—I know I do—it's been two months…"

He was holding a single flower—a zinnia—and reverently, he placed it on Wanda's tombstone, which sat alone under the tree.

"Yeah… you never really said where you wanted to be buried," said Cosmo, with a half-chuckle. "So I thought you'd like to be under our tree… the cemetery was too… sad." Cosmo sniffed, then continued.

"Anyway… I have lots I have to tell you. That house of your uncle's—I had it bulldozed!" Cosmo laughed again, although this time it was almost a crazed laugh. "Castle was with me—we watched it fall to the ground—it was great! I should have been a construction worker!" He cleared his throat. "Anyway… Castle starts kindergarten tomorrow. And I've been taking good care of her, just like you said. In fact, I've even been teaching her ping pong!"

O.o.O

"Alright, Castle, I'll hit the ball to you and then you bounce it back with your paddle, alright?" Cosmo served a small, slow serve to his daughter.

"Like this, Daddy?" With a fierce swing, Castle sent the ping pong ball flying back at Cosmo. Desperately, Cosmo tried to reach for it, but wound up diving to the right and falling flat on his face.

O.o.O

"She's really good, but I'm going to have scars on my face for years!" Cosmo laughed again. "And I've been fixing her hair a lot lately—she says that I don't ponytail as well as you did, but since I'm a boy and you're a girl she says that's alright. And I read to her every night—and she's _so smart!" _Despite himself, Cosmo was crying again. "You'd be so proud of her, Wanda… well, I know _I _am, anyway…" Suddenly remembering something, Cosmo reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope with the word "MOMMY" painstakingly written on the front. "She told me to give you this, but she told me I can't read it… so here, I'll just put it by this flower."

Cosmo set the letter at the foot of the tombstone, then stood up and took a few steps back, staring at the grave in almost disbelief. "You know," he finally said, with effort, "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about destiny—I don't know if it's what Lieutenant Denzel says, and that we've each got a specific one, or if it's what Mama said and we're all just floating accidentally on the breeze… but I think… I think it's maybe sort of both."

Shaking himself out of it, Cosmo shrugged. "But what would I know, I'm just a moron… I guess you really _can't _know, can you? I mean, were you destined to die like that? Or… or…" Cosmo heaved a heavy sigh. "I miss you," he finally whispered, his voice falling dead in the air.

He turned and walked away, not attempting to blink away his tears, just letting them flow.

O.o.O

"Aw, are you _sure _I can't take Monkey with me?"

Cosmo gave an apologetic shrug to Castle. "I remember that my school said that we couldn't have any pets with us."

"But you went to school a billion years ago!" cried Castle. "Things are different!"

Monkey whined, as if pleading Castle's case.

"But I need Monkey here to keep me company while you're gone!" said Cosmo. "You'll have your classmates—and Dog—"

"That's right." Castle grinned and hugged Dog, the plush monkey. "And I'm taking your Curious George book with me too." She yanked it out of her bookbag and showed it to her father.

"Where did you get this?" asked Cosmo, opening the book. The feather fell out and onto the ground.

"You have it in your room, silly," said Castle. The bus pulled up. "I gotta go." She took the book, gently pushed it into her bookbag, and skipped up to the door.

"Castle, wait!" cried Cosmo.

Castle turned around. "Yes, Daddy?"

Cosmo hesitated. There were a million things he wanted to tell her—like if you happen to see an angel of your own on the bus, you'd better love him and not be afraid to, if kids don't let you sit next with them they're lousy doo-doo headed meanies and you'll find a real friend to sit with anyway, a friend who will sit in trees with you and read and teach you how to jump off, if you're ever sad just hug Dog, and…

"I just wanted to tell you that I love you," Cosmo finally said, which basically encompassed everything else.

Castle smiled. "I love you too, Daddy."

She climbed up on the bus, the door closed, and the bus pulled away.

Cosmo reached down, picked up Monkey, and sat on a stump by the side of the road, stroking Monkey's ears. "She's gonna do so great in school, Monkey," said Cosmo with a smile. Monkey wagged his tiny tail in agreement.

"I wonder… I wonder what's happening to her right now, on that bus?" Cosmo said quietly, remembering his first trip on a school bus, how much that had changed _his _life.

What would Castle's life bring her?

The wind unexpectedly blew strongly, picking up the feather—and it danced on the breeze, free, and uninhibited, whether it was meant to or if it just wanted to go that way—

Either way, it just did.

O.o.O

(And now the really sappy ending author's note.)

Wow, I can't believe I'm done with this! As I mentioned in chapter one, this was really a labor of love—blending one of my favorite TV shows with one of my favorite movies. I think other authors could have done a far better job than I did, but I gave it a good run, and coming from me, for the most part I'm pretty pleased with the overall outcome. (Right now, anyway. Wait a year and I'll hate it.)

I want to thank you all again for reviewing—you're all just plain awesome, you know that? I've loved reading your reviews—like most human beings I like praise, but I also feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that _my _writing has made YOU feel all warm and fuzzy inside! You all deserve a shout out:

Skyhiatrist, Shizzle, WLiiAfanatic, Fairy1234, Trixie21, Band Geek 727, Ronna-chan, Live2Write4Ever, Faye Lunacorn, (no name), Lilylynn, almostinsane, Sasha Jay, dArkliTe-sPirit, Aerinsoul, EvilspyAchacia, Growly Genet, Amras Felagund, MistressMoonDemon, Spiritual Magic, Wanda Wish, Lara Luna, Horses4Ever, and timesofdarkness.

If I ever rule the world, I will divide up the world into twenty-four chunks and make you the governors of each chunk.

…I have some more bad news here… well, I don't really consider it bad news, but you might. I don't watch TV anymore, and I've been drifting away from FOP for a very long time now. That means, you guessed it, I have no new ideas for an FOP story. One stupid one-shot idea, and that's it. Now, I'll always love FOP, don't take that the wrong way. It's just that my interests wax and wane repeatedly. FOP has been waning for quite some time now. If we ever get season boxed sets on DVD however (hint hint Nickelodeon!) I will probably be re-obsessed and re-inspired.

But if you guys like Disney and SpongeBob, then stay tuned, because those are probably the fandoms that I'll be tackling next! Muah ha ha!

I've rambled on far enough—again, thanks to you all times a million for all your support. I've loved writing this, and I hope you've loved reading this. Cheers to you all and God bless. :)

-Commander


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